MASAKU 7S MADNESS: The Wild Trip To The Greatest Party On Earth! The People…The Girls…The Booze…The Cars…The Traffic…The Madness…(Exclusive Photos)

By on July 6, 2015

Masaku 7s has just happened. And If you have any idea of the Glastonbury Festival in England, this was our own Glastonbury. Complete with the hype, the girls, the noise, the cars and the booze.

WELCOME TO MACHAKOS…Was the huge message that invited is to what is easily the GREATEST PARTY IN EAST AFRICA.

I traveled from Nairobi to Machakos on Saturday… We left the City at around 15.30pm. That is after we had raided Nakumatt Lifestyle and bought as much alcohol as we possibly could.

Nakumatt itself was buzzing with activity… Tens of youth had camped at the alcohol section… Browsing the drinks menu and picking bottles off the shelves with sheer glee. And much gusto.

I wanted Bavaria. There was NO Bavaria. I wanted Faxe… No Faxe. I wanted Tukser Light. Well,Neither that… No luck still. I settled for Pilsner cans and bought 2 six packs. That’s 12 Pilsner cans.

One of my boys bought 12 Guinness cans… Another bought a Flirt Vodka mzinga, Another bought a Smirnoff Vodka mzinga and One of my girls made away with 12 Guarana cans, too. As for the sodas? Two 2-liter Coke sodas will do. No?

On our way out, some really sexy promo girls convinced us that DESPERADOS was much better than Pilsner. Desperados is some sort of Beer-cum-tequila beautifully packaged in a bright,colorful can. Straight from Netherlands.

We bought a six pack… Not because we were convinced but because the girls promoting the drink were too dangerously hot. And no one says NO to a bunch of hot girls…Light-skin hot girls,Right? Good job,Desperados. I liked the girls. The drink? Not so much.

From Nakumatt to Hazina Towers… Right across Alliance Franchise where we had packed our car. We piled the drinks into the car,but not before everyone had opened a can for the moment as we waited for two other friends who were stuck in Westlands. They came. And, 30 minutes baadaye… Safari started.

Uhuru Highway was satanic…. Traffic was tough as hell. Cars were packed up from around the University Way roundabout wayyyy down to Nyayo Stadium roundabout.

An hour later… We are still stuck in the maddening traffic. People started getting tired and impatient.. And that’s when almost ALL drivers started hooting. Incessantly. We hooted and hooted and hooted… We got tired of sitting in the cars and, one by one, vehicle occupants started walking out of their cars to stretch a leg…still, traffic was insane.

I wanted to pee… So did Sue, one of our girls. Trouble is; We are in traffic… There are no rooms around, no bars. You have to walk across Uhuru Highway.. And pee into the bushes across the road. And we did exactly that.

Hey, don’t look at me like that! You wouldn’t have an option either! Plus we are drunk!

All this time,I am on Twitter… Closely following @Ma3Route for traffic updates… And I wasn’t liking any bit of it.

Soon enough, traffic opens up. And we hit the road… Big time…

Jim,the guy behind the wheel tore thru Uhuru Highway like a Greek demon…We swerved and screeched and overlapped and took mad detours…Squeezing our drunken way around any and every little available path…Hitting the road again,revving up the engine,blasting up the music,rolling down the windows,fastening the belts,grabbing one more beer can and,ready for the mad drive,going all wild and ratchet…Down the road…Hooting and hollering and flashing signs…All manner of gang signs with our fingers.

We are not even out of Nairobi yet and Charles, one of my companions, is drunk as a dodo.

We screech past Capital Center and drive even harder…There’s no traffic now…It’s all good and clean and safe…Still,hundreds of cars are speeding across the road….Tens of youth can be seen…Heads bopping from their cars…Heads stuck out of the cars…And Yes,Loudest car music Mombasa Road has ever seen…Other youths can be seen flashing the two-finger salute from their windows, others are throwing up Illuminati signs and yet others,even dreaded California Gang signs…We are on a roll…A mad roll…I lose count of the number of cars we overtook…The number of people we hooted at and the number of sexy girls I hollered at from our very squeezed car…

We stop at Mlolongo to kula nyama..and ummm,Yes…We do do kula nyama. But real talk,the nyama is as horrible as the food they probably serve at Shimo La Tewa Prison. So poorly cooked your grandmother would disown you for eating it. But we are hungry…What’s the choice…Plus these Kambas flood your car even before you shuka, enticing you and coaxing you and almost sucking your d*ck just so you buy their meat…Meat that would qualify as poison in Canada.

We make sure that we tell these Wakoras that their meat tastes like filth. And that their culinary skills are poorer than themselves. Baada ya hapo,We hit a ka-pub hapo kando to tafuta more beer…

AND HALLELUYA!!!!!!!!!! We find Faxe! Yes,the Almighty FAXE…And more Tusker cans. We nunua beer worth around 3,400 or 4,300…Can’t remember the figure properly…But that’s after every one has changad…Hehe…

We beba the alcohol and walk,nay,stumble-into the car. Still,around our car,we have like a billion hawking jamaaz who want to sell us stuff…Some Jamaa wants me to buy a BELT! A freaking belt! Yeah,Congrats,Clueless fellow! Who buys a belt on their way to a festival!?? Heck,who even needs a f*ckin’ belt!?? When you won’t even be keeping it strapped all night??

Safari iendelee…

Zoooom! We swoosh off…Music even louder,Noise even more and hollering even better. Kwani iko nini!

Belindah is almost dead…Drunk like a little German sailor on a random Pacific voyage. I ask her to place her head on my shoulder…Bit I am afraid she might wanna puke…And oh shit,Belinda pukes! Ok,Not on me…Relax…We had to park the car and let her do her thing….

Girl pukes so hard,so much I am afraid we might have to take her to a clinic first…She them smiles and asks for more pombe…And kwa kweli,hii watoto ya Uhuru wanataka maombi…

We are approaching Macha…Quite close,actually.

We stop somewhere…Sikumbuki ni wapi…To take photos across a plain land…It’s a whole picturesque plateau with beautiful Mountainous backdrops and sandy soil and such-like nature.

Haiiiyaaa,other cars stop too. One,two…Three…Four…Six cars stoop in total…We all step out to take photos…And brother,picha tulipaga.

We take all manner of photos…In the cars, outside the cars, standing ON TOP of the cars, sprawled across the bonnet…It’s a whole new photography festival!

And while we are taking photos…More and more cars are passing us by, slowing down,rolling down the windows and hollering at us…Flashing us the ‘I-Love-You-Buddies’ sign,girls hollering at us,super drunk guys saluting us and the drivers of the respective cars hooting loudly and endlessly….

Kazi ya picha imeisha…Belindah has already changed to fresh clothes…No bra and I assume no panty either…Brenda,the other girl,is not sooo drunk…Jim is almost dead..Charles is an international waste…Peter’s pants are falling off…Sue is as ratchet as a purple-haired Ghetto girl in a Chicago Barbecue party,I am not doing so bad myself…But I swear I need some water…Any water…

Safari iendelee…

Aaaaaaaand,Here we are! Machakos Hoyeeeee!

Traffic is mathafakin craaaaizy! Boss,gari hata haziendi, But who even cares? The crazier the better…We follow the lead…And park too…

There are like a billion police officers all across town…And a million police vans and land rovers and whatnot. But they’re nice cops,by theway. Not the sort of douche bags we are accustomed to in this City.

Wasichana ni kama majani…Allover the place! Looking as resplendent as Hollywood Playboy bunnies…And acting like they’re just fresh from a Porno shoot. Or auditioning for a role…

Their men are holding them close. Real close. And tight. Real tight. Ni sawa….Hata sisi tumeshika wetu…

First stop? Club Hornbill…Where THE REAL PARTY is really goin’ down! Like for reeeeeallll….Y’know warrraaammsayyying!?

Outside Hornbill,there are like 24 million people…And 45 million cars….And Yes,I did spot a Lamborghini. Ora Ferrari. Or something close to that…If I wasn’t too drunk already.

All manner of cars around Kobil Petrol station…The station is packed and so full,You cannot move an inch.

Some jamaaz with a car as huge as Waiguru’s problems drive upto us…They are now trying to bully us off the way…Because kagari ketu ni kadogo kama Mashahara ya Mudavadi.

I step out-Ok,I was already out-and try to engage the occupants of the machine that is now threatening to sweep us off the parking lot.

And for a machine that big,You can expect the occupants to be as big. If not bigger…The driver hoots like a deranged Russian teen on an August gay parade. The girls are sitting atop the car…It’s a tourist-sort of car…With an opened roof from which I can see girls struggling to squeeze their empty heads out….Spoiling for a row…

We exchange a few bitter words…They curse at us…We curse back…They swear at us…We swear back…It’s about to be a pandemonium before someone from my side tosses a beer can at the girls in the other car. A whole beer can…And it’s not even empty!

All hell goes down! The girls holler and scream and chant some real serious Ukambani war cries…And their men? They go wild….and step out…It’s ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

The madness is too much…I don’t know who gets beaten or not. I don’t remember whose car gets crashed or not. But Belindah flashes her middle finger so hard I am afraid she might lose it….

Crowds form around us…Agitated crowds,confused crowds,know-it-all crowds,Drunk crowds…

“Wacehni ufala…” someone yells at us, squeezing his boorish way into the mad scrum…

‘F*ck You!” Peter ,the insane boy amongst us,yells at him…

30 minutes later,we have been forced to move our car. And we have been BANNED from accessing HORNBILL Club. For life! Haha!

Wait,What’s the time? Ummm,let’s see…7.36pm. Hata saa mbili bado…