5 Things Vera Sidika Needs To Do To Make Herself The Queen Of All Ratchets

A colleague of mine who happens to be a staunch Vera sympathizer always insists that the popular socialite with a big derriere from Luhyaland is a genius. Apparently, he studied her like fossils from Lake Turkana and came up with the conclusion, “If you want to play, why not be the best player?”He even supported her after that furore which erupted over those astounding photos of her damaged skin. The sheer enthusiasm in his demeanor whenever he talks about Vera always raises quizzical eyebrows. Maybe in another life, she’ll drop ‘them’ goodies for his enjoyment. But I shall choose not to name him for now. Hahahaa

Anyway, let’s go by the assumption that Vera is actually a genius. Why has she seemed so devoid of ideas of late? She hasn’t come up with something special for our amusement. So let me help her out and In case she decides to actualize any of my theories, I can as well demand royalties. Here are 5 things Vera Sidika should do to make herself a legendary socialite and symbol that shall be taught in schools 100 years from now.

Release a s*x tape

Blistering bernacles in a thundering typhoon. This could be YouTube gold if those Google guys let it stay. Views would reach an old time high (Gangnam Style figures). Even our grandparents and uncles would line behind us in our computers to watch Vera’s s*x tape. She can just do it with a normal guy from Kabartonjo or ‘Pungoma’. A kawaida raiyaa who is blessed with heavy artillery down there so that the video not only becomes a hit internationally but also among the locals. But then again we know that Vera’s standards are as high as the Burj Khalifa itself. So maybe we should just hope for one with a wealthy Saudi prince in it

Get in a recorded catfight with Huddah or Zari (Uganda’s queen of queens)

I used to think Vera is the queen until I went to Uganda. Vee gat nothing on Zari. That Ugandan babe is the real queen and she has the money. Her own money not bank notes from an Oga at the top. Wherever she goes, she always leaves her Mercedes Benz or Chrysler right outside the entrance as a brand enhancing visage for guests to coo over – the real boss lady

Vera needs to get into a physical catfight with that bish right there. She doesn’t really need to have a reason, She should just look for an opportunity to punch the sexy Ugandan socialite then ask “Iko nini?” I’m sure Zara will respond and we’ll see the catfight of the year – Love and Hip Hop style. Ladies in the US make careers out of pulling weave and scratching each other’s faces on national TV. Leave alone Huddah. I don’t know why I even mentioned here.

Appear in a Konshens or Juicy J video

Oh yeah…I know the riddim lovers have now put the ganja ina di table to pay attention. Ever since ‘You Guy’, Vera has never dipped her foot into serious production waters. She ought to hook up with Konshens so that he gives her a role in one of his steamy videos. If Vybz Kartel wasn’t in prison he would have loved to work with her more since they have so much in common. But I don’t think Konshens would refuse either. Just send the damn application Vera. Juicy J might prove a bit elusive but just try. As I always say ‘maisha ni kujaribu’

Star in a reality show

Hundreds of morally upright people hurled insults at Vera after the bleach and boob-job. But the ever smiling omukhana deserves to be lauded for the stubborn refusal to allow the pressure to break her resolve. Many of those who talk trash about her secretly thirst for her in secret or at least tolerate her. The problem with placing yourself on such a lofty plinth of moral and ethical probity is that you have to practice the values you espouse. So I doubt that her critics will resist the temptation of seeing her apply lotion to her fake boobies in the confines of her bedroom, on camera, in the name of Reality TV.

Number 5? Kenyan social etiquette dictates that the ‘advisee’ pays the advisor a visit to say thank you, So i am waiting for you Vera

Cheers.