A Love Letter To My Jamaican Celebrity Crush Alaine

Dear Alaine

Or should i say ‘Wassup gyal’. I know you’ve been looking for Wafula for a long time. No need to despair. I am the 2.0 version of him. I offer myself unto you today. Do whatever you please with me wonderful woman.

Mi haffi let yah know that I am nothing special; except for the 8 inches under my pants, i am just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name doesn’t get echoed across multiple mouths. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve fallen for you.

You know what I am going to say. I love you. What other men may mean when they use that expression, I cannot tell; what I mean is, that I am under the influence of some tremendous attraction which I have resisted in vain, and which overmasters me. You could draw me to fire, you could draw me to water, you could draw me to the gallows, you could draw me to any death, you could draw me to anything I have most avoided, you could draw me to any exposure and disgrace, but i would never denounce my affections for you Alaine.

Gyal you are Me darlin love, me lickle dove. Me dumplin, me gizada,

You are a mortal danger to all men. You are beautiful without knowing it. You possess a charm that you are not even aware of. You are like a trap set by nature – a sweet perfumed rose in whose petals Cupid lurks in ambush! Anyone who has seen you has known perfection. You instil grace in every common thing and divinity in every careless gesture. Venus in her shell was never so lovely, and Rihanna in ‘work’ never so graceful as you when you took strides on that Churchill Show stage and paraded your thighs in all their fine form. The thirst that tortured me is hard to document. I drank so much water that i fear i might have caused a water shortage in my residential estate.

But i have a good feeling . You and I, it’s as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven and sent down to earth together, to find each other and see if we know what we were taught.

I dream of leaning forward and kissing you at a beach in Jamaica, and you kissing me back with more fervor than I had before. I dream of us just standing there kissing and kissing between a coconut tree and a huge rock. The sand and the crabs and the moon all around us, making it feel like the nicest thing in the world. My hands running slowly up into your smooth hair and down over your thick shoulders and along your arms and around to your delicate back, holding your gorgeous female body against mine. There hasn’t ever been a time that I haven’t remembered all over again how much I love you Alaine

You are just too beautiful Alaine. Your Amazonian figure sits well on your body. You have a magnificently shaped waist and your complexion has an impeccable hue. Your pencil-thin eyebrows ease down gently to your eyelashes. A sculptor could not have fashioned your wavy ears and pixie’s nose any better.

Every time you break into a smile, your beguiling, oyster-white teeth light up the room. You jolt me like an electric current every time you unveil that megawatt smile. I can’t help but pay full attention to whatever you have to say. I like how your fingernails run through your ebony black hair whenever you explain something. How, with the aid of your fingers, they move around your photogenic face and hide a swan’s neck, elegant and smooth.

I love your nebulous, eyes, especially the pupils which sparkle with immortality. They are like two berry-dark jewels melted onto snow.

You sing in a dulcet voice as sweet as any songbird. Your voguish clothes still keep captive an aroma redolent of cinnamon and meadow-fresh mint. It lingers in the room long after you have gone.
So Alaine…..from the heart of Kenya to Jamaica…allow me to table a proposition.

I am not greedy. I wont ask for your hand in marriage or a lifetime of companionship. I just ask you to give me one more night, Busy Signal style, that is enough. Mi wanna tap that you know. I shall ask nothing further. There is no other valuable pearl to be found in the dark folds of life. Only the pearl you posses

Yours 

Philip Etemesi

Kenyan Writer