Here Are Five Ways Of Identifying A Ratchet!!!

“Imagine a woman that wears skinny clothes, bad looking heels & fishnet stockings, blasts Konshens or Buzy Signal off her phone, would go out of her way as to buy music  from these artists, has a bad hairdo, looks immensely disgusting as a human being, and would rather spend her time maintaining her looks, communicating among her folk, and being a jobless, gold-digging bum for the rest of her days, not even bothering to get herself a good shower, a paying career, and a damned effort to earn a diploma.That, my comrades, is a prime notoriety of a ratchet…
Jesus Fix this.

I have had this beef with Nairobi ratchets for ages, they crawl,creep and fill in party spaces suffocating party life with their disgusting, vomit evoking demeanor, it is time to identify them in all their varying forms

So who is a Ratchet? Well..

Five Ways of Detecting a Ratchet.

I know you don’t have the expertise that I have, so I will take this column to break into palatable bits, five ways of telling a ratchet from other naïve wannabes!

1. She has chipped nail polish- if you see a woman whose  nail polish was last changed a month, run away my friend, run for the hills, it doesn’t matter where you will run to, just run for cover. Girls who have chipped polish are as ratchet as hell. She will bore you with, cheap talk of how she marinates her chicken and prepares caviar, which by the way, will be as fake as she is. Point is chipped polish is a Ratchet pointer.
2. She wears weaves- I have always hated weaves, for so many years I have harbored a deep-seated sense of resentment towards women who sport weaves, weaves are nauseating! It doesn’t matter whether it is human hair of tree hair or cabbage hair, weaves are weaves, cheap or high-end, they are to be found on average women who drink cheap liqueur while stalking gullible men in night clubs in a bid to spike their drinks and steal from them. If she wears a weave and you meet her in a club… she is a thief! Report her to the police. God knows what she hides on that hideous thing on her head!
3. If She listens to Riddimz, Ragga or any of its Variants- girls who listen to such kind of music are ratchets, if she enjoys such music and actually dances to it, whether twerk, waltz or whatever she is ratchet and she ought to be quarantined, she is a disgrace to the women populace, she should be culled, separated from the society and locked in some hidden facility in the Caribbean.
4. She loves speaking in sheng. If she speaks to you in a dialect that sounds like Swahili laced with endless hints of vernacular, then she is ratchet. Avoid her.. the only thing that she will be good for is throwing her ass about sordidly in a lame attempt at twerking to the kind of music I noted above.
5. The only dancing style that she knows is when her face is down and her bottoms up- don’t go near her! That’s the worst form of ratchet that could exist anywhere.