Here Are Matatu Behaviors That Kenyans Need To Stop

Public transport is a necessity to our Kenyan society. Being in and out of matatus is part of our daily lives. It seems I enjoy writing about matatus. I wrote ‘How To Vibe A Hot Chic In A Matatu’ and ‘Why Young Ladies Love Makangas’. But I’m not done yet. There are matatu behaviors we don’t condone but won’t admit. Forget the usual hiking of fares that commuters are now used to, let’s get to the really annoying things.

The conductor overstaying with your change (balance)

Have you ever noticed the look on the face of that person seated next to you after they give the conductor a 500 shilling note and the conductor just moves on without saying a word? It’s always a murderous look coated with impatience and discomfort.

Two days ago I sat next to this very beautiful girl on a CBD bound minibus. The lady appeared to be in a jovial mood so I decided to say hi. Just when I was about to do so, the conductor appeared, grabbed the 200 shilling note from her palm and moved on without saying a word. The fare happened to be 60 bob.

Suddenly the lady was all frowning. When the conductor reappeared a few minutes later, the girl launched a horrendously pompous, snobbish and offensive verbal assault on the poor guy. With her loud manly voice, she yelled, “Nipatie change yangu!” among other sorts of obscenities. I was even scared and decided not to say hi to her after all. I was expecting a gentle voice or an accent for that matter. The conda shook with terror and gave her the balance straight away.

The big guy shouting private matters on the phone

Once in a while, you’ll be In a matatu with this big guy who doesn’t have a clue what phone etiquette is. He’ll argue with his wife loudly over the phone, woo his mistress or pretend to be conducting some business deal. What’s annoying is how such people use lurid detail in their conversations, things you aren’t even supposed to hear. The rest of you just have to sit there and listen.

Such a guy will call some lady he’s dating then go all lyrical on her. “Beby, I’ll be taking you to the Tribe Hotel on Friday night. Yes, there’s a gala and we’ll be meeting some respectable CEOs. Please wear that silky dress I like.” After that he makes another business call then goes on blabbering.

If you are such a person, please cut the crap. If you are as rich as you claim, what the hell are you doing in a matatu? Shouldn’t you be in a Mercedes or something? You can’t prove a point in a matatu. You can only deduct points.

The persistent hawker and the preacher

I’m certain there are times you have been caught up in a church on wheels, mostly when you’ve boarded a bus. Just when you least expected it, a preacher with dreams of being a televangelist, shoots up from one of the front seats and begins shouting like an angry Teacher Wanjiku.

He tells the passengers that they don’t have to give any offerings but if they feel there’s a way they can promote the Lord’s work, they can contribute something. He stresses “Mungu hapendi wachoyo, peana kisha wewe utapewa!” Then the guilty ones dish out all the last coins in their pockets.

Then there are the hawkers. I love the ones who always sell Tropical Sweets. They have minimal hullaballoo. All they say is “tropicals, tropicals, tropicals…..tatu kumi.” then people buy. I have a problem with the ones who get into too much detail; like the one’s selling stickers for example. They take their time reading all the messages written on all the stickers then only one person ends up buying. Then there are the ones selling Herbal products…oh no.

Matatus playing old riddims and Trap music

This goes out to all the pimped out matatus. I love them but drivers, please stick to your professions. You can’t be a driver and deejay at the same time. I have absolutely no problem with mataus playing loud music, but it should at least be quality music.

The speakers should be in good condition too. You can’t continue spam us with music by Soulja Boy, Tommy lee, Chief Keef, and Wacka Flocka yet there’s a lot of good music out there.. You have no right to force bad old riddims into people’s ears.

Lastly, there are several other behaviors like eating fries and groundnuts in the matatu. Come on, you don’t have to show people how hungry you are. We know you didn’t have lunch at work. Then there’s the ladies who wear short skirts then keep pulling them to cover their knees, as if the skirt will magically lengthen. If you wanted a skirt that covers your knees, you should have worn one. And that sums it up. Thank you.

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