If Your Favorite Artiste Was an Alcohol Brand, This is What They’d Be

Had a light hearted chat with a friend yesterday evening where the lads from the office and i rated popular celebrities as alcohol brands.

Now, funny thing about this is that Baba Ghafla doesn’t guzzle so he was a bit out of it ranking some some as fruit juices and whatnot but naturally, i swooped in and saved the convo before it got off with comparisons of Octo to Orange juice. That would have been quite the disaster. Given his hassler’s spirit, Octo has to be a stiff drink!
Dallah was in on the conversation but i doubt she’d approve being quoted so i shall only quote one of her statements, “Uncle Chim Tuna, you are awesome!” But moving on swiftly, have a read and enjoy the comparisons we came up with.

Size 8 -Richot

Guys in the office say this drink is “kali” so i guess Size 8 is “kali”! Lass has a body for days and she is lithe. Just like Richot.

Avril -Viceroy
I saw a photo of Avril fishnet stockings and i instantly knew which drink Avril is best represented by. And i love how the bottle widens up from a narrow neck into a lower body you can grip. Reminds my of Avril’s curves. Oooh la la!

Grants -Marya
I love my Grants. It’s the only drink i used to consume last year when i was out painting the town red.

When you’re drinking this brand everyone can’t help but notice you. Self-same way Marya walking into a room arrests attention. I have no idea about this but i suspect she’s also smooth… Guess i’ll have to ask Colonel Moustapha about that.

Rabbit -Smirnoff
Smirnoff is deceptively smooth. If it were a human being, it would have a silver tongue. In his song with Man Njoro, Rabbit portrays a conman so in that regard it’s a fit.

However Smirnoff has a zinger and before you know it you are white-boy wasted! Rabbit is the same way. Laid back until he gets the spitting then boom shaka laka! plus i dare say he can collabo with anyone just as Smirnoff can be mixed with anything and taste good.

Octopizzo -Gilbeys Gin

This is a nice stiff drink! It apparently has a hint of citrus which i never can taste but what i know it for is it’s a kicker! This drink has quite the after-taste that lets you know you’ve just had a shot of a real man’s drink that will probably put some hair on your chest.

Why is Octo Gilbeys Gin? Well to get that you have to know it’s history. Gin was originally an illicit brew consumed by British soldiers but it gained acceptance and legitimacy.

Likewise, Octo was once a lanky kid from Kibera slums hassling to provide for his daughter and he broke through what is considered mainstream while maintaining his history and not feeling ashamed about anything. He is now the man we celebrate as Numba Nane’s finest.

Adelle O. -Skyy Vodka

Oh my word! This lass is quite the tall drink! My word! Think of the Skyy vodka bottle, it is so seductively built and is rather long.

Adelle has a body! Bless my heart, Adelle has a body! And Skyy is for Upper East Side kids dabbling in vodka same way Adelle is a classy lass dabbling in being sexy. Bless my heart nibling!

Tina Kagia -Famous Grouse

First time i met Ms. Tina, she was in our offices getting settled for an interview. At first she was in a sort of shell trying to read the lads. Famous comes in a box but when it finally opens up to you, you know you’re in for a good one!

Ms. Tina reminds me of Famous Grouse because i have had fun jamming with Tina and i have had fun drinking Famous. Shout out Fox, Xola and Juelz. This is their poison! But moving on, Famous is the grown-up’s drink but it has a flirty side to it. Kind of like that hot teacher you had a crush on. Didn’t she have a naughty side in your mind? I give you Ms. Tina.

Abbas -Johnie Walker

This is a mad drink! I had to acquire the taste. Abbas is a mad rapper. You have to decipher the method to his madness but when you do, it’s like magic.

Plus Johnie Walker has been walking for years and Abbas has been around for years ergo it’s a perfect fit.

Just A Band -Amarula

This drink is exotic. It appeals to my more sophisticated friends. Even the way they write liquor is telling: liquer. Just A Band is awesome but they are more appreciated internationally than at home. That is a sad tale but it doesn’t take anything away from the fact they are an awesome group who i hope will discard the notion of disbanding. Amarula livens up any party or so i’m told because it can be taken with chocolate. Just A Band are equally as versatile trying their hand at any genre.

Camp Mulla -Jameson

When Kenyans discover something, they tend towards it like a herd. They recently discovered Jameson which they are all calling “Jamie-son”. With that said, Jameson is quite the popular drink right now. Camp Mulla are the toast of the town. A perfect fit if ever there was one. plus i have an inkling that Shappaman is very fond of this drink. Coincidence? I think not.

Brenda Wairimu -Ciroc

This drink is not just a drink, it’s a statement in itself. Brenda Wairimu isn’t just another pretty face, she’s drop dead gorgeous. The drink is smooth and that is a bonus. The quality of content and packaging are prime.

Likewise, Brenda is a quite the Aphrodite but she is also a good human being and she’s smart to boot. Try buying Ciroc at the club, lasses take notice and lads hate. Walk in anyway with Brenda draped on your arm, the lasses hate while the lads take note. Paradox.

Juliani -Southern Comfort

My boyo George calls it So.Co and he loves it. So.Co has that “Southern comfort” -i said that so tongue in cheek but we move on- and Juliani has a down to Earth charm. He doesn’t drink nor does he endorse this comparison. These are my thoughts so the puritans should take up any issues with Uncle Chim Tuna.

Juliani has the class and he commands the pay to be as cocky as Ian Mugoya but he’s so down to earth you’d be forgiven for thinking his animal guide is an earthworm. Nice lad this. And So.Co it is.

Churchill -Belvedere

Crisp, smooth and downright classy. Churchill is but the drink is too. Churchill in a suit is like a black James Bond. Churchill infront of a crowd is like hydrogen to water, fluid.

Belvedere is the only drink you are allowed to order at a black tie event. Not Smirnoff unless you are Bond. No nephew, stop arguing, your dede has spoken.

Mumbi Maina -Snow Grouse

She plays Nandi in the show we all love Mali. This is the epitome of a lady. She is calm, collected and so very yummy! Pardon, where are my manners? This lady is breathtakingly beautiful. We met when she came over to our office and she was just the lady. So rare is such a find that she is only comparable to the Snow Grouse. How many of you have had even a sip of Snow Grouse? Show of hands.

None? didn’t think so because most Kenyan lasses are her inverse. Whereas Nandi is sophisticated, elegant, beautiful and collected, most Kenyan lasses are loud, belligerent, ratchet and tasteless. I can just here Nali grind her teeth at that accurate description of Kenyan lasses.

Maina Kageni -Glenfiddich

Single scotch malt whiskey. What was Maina going on about drinking at Jeff Koinange’s soiree? And Maina is the king sitting pretty atop his hill. I just hope he finds a queen to suit his stature. No single individual is as influential to Kenya’s entertainment scene as this chap.