10 Reasons Why We Have Always Been Obsessed With Vera Sidika’s Big A$s

Ever since Vera Sidika’s a$s made its grand debut on the ‘You Guy’ video, it has been glorified to absurd extremities. Soon as the unusual butt popped up on our screens, thousands upon thousands of tweets were spilled over the issue. It ceased being merely an a$s and became “The A$s”. Same way Vera stopped being a woman and became “The Woman”

I love writing about Vera Sidika. I could write a best-seller about her. I could even come up with an original screenplay about her. It’s not that I like her. It’s just that there’s so much content I can drain from her. She’s like a well-fed Freshian cow from which you can draw plenty of milk, time and time again. So why are we so obsessed with her derriere as Kenyan men.

Her ass has ‘Monopoly’

In our entertainment industry, there are a lot of beautiful women. But most of them suffer from a$s-deficiency. They are a$s deprived. As a result, Vera enjoys monopoly. There are no real competitors and if there are not business savvy. Vera’s good controls the market. There are no viable substitute goods. The others e.g Corazon and Judy aren’t making enough profit to be considered real rivals

Lanes

People adore what they can’t get. Why does she have ‘lanes’ yet she is talentless? She doesn’t even have a definitive job. It’s not that Vera doesn’t work; it’s that her work is not recognized as legitimate within a sexist world that sees feminine culture and lifestyle as frivolous pursuits undeserving of any serious attention. So let’s just appreciate Vera’s behind before age catches up and it starts to sag.

She keeps spamming us with it

At this very moment, there is a campus dude somewhere in Kenya who is just staring at Vera’s pool pictures while waiting for his omena to get ready. That’s the sad effect. The internet goes bonkers every time the socialite uploads a photo on Instagram. And she keeps doing it. She’s like those facebook pages which share so much links onto your timeline that you just have to click on one. Then when you click, you wonder why you weren’t clicking before. Then you become an addict and waste your life going through stuff that doesn’t benefit you in any way .

Our society has been infiltrated by Team Mafisi

Why else would a ‘fat a4s’ woman become so famous? It’s because of Team Mafisi. I’ll tell you how the tale unfolded. It all started with one fisi who after seeing vera’s butt for the first time went on to describe it to his friend. “Wa wa wa. Umecheki hiyo video ya PUnit na Collo? Maze si kuna dem ako na haga hapo ndani. Maze enda tu ucheki.”. Just like that, a superstar was born.

Juju?

Vera keeps talking about her Nigerian lover, an oil tycoon. And what are Nigerians renowned for? Did she cast a spell on us? Ah beg oooh. Was she taken to Okechuku the jujuman? I don’t believe in black magic. I always get the urge to pull a ‘mscheeew’ like a pissed off Nigerian sisto whenever I hear about black magic, but is it time to smell the coffee? Many Kenyan women have big derrieres so why are we just fixated on her? Somebody call a pastor.

We are all trying to figure out if it’s fake

Like keen scientists, we are still conducting studies that will help us ascertain if this wonder of the 254 is indeed what it appears to be. There are a lot of fake things bumping around on our streets nowadays. What if her a$s is like a Michellin tyre? What if she pumps pressure into it daily? What if she had it all constructed at a hospital in Mumbai? Will we all beat ourselves for being taken on a ride?

It’s ASStonishing

It’s just beautiful to look at. She might be labeled a hollow, undeserving socialite but her butt still garners universal acclaim. We could close our eyes not to see it, but most of us will still peep through our fingers.

Maybe….. we hate her

It’s also quite normal to be obsessed with something you loathe. As the righteous dismiss her as a mindless product of celebrity culture, they still look. They say she’s a sign of ‘The Apocalypse’ but they still admire. They claim the gods did wrong. They made a mistake, They engaged in a misappropriation of assets by blessing this annoying woman with a marvelous b0oty. Why is life so unfair? – the say. But then they log into Facebook and see a link with Vera’s name. Despite their envy, they click – tongues out.

We wish our girlfriends/wives had it

Ooh…how we wish

We can draw a lot of ASSumptions from it

Like shrewd economists, we can draw a lot of ASS-umptions and conclusions from Vera’s a$s. It allows Kenyans to come up with all kinds of moshene. Wherever you go, you’ll here things like, “She must be a whore” or  “That a$s must be too heavy on her”