10 TYPES OF LASSES FOUND IN KENYAN CLUBS

If you’re a young lad of acceptable raving years of between 21 to 26, you meet lasses all the time aye?

And while a good number of lasses we meet at night are balanced folk, there are a couple who aren’t quite as normal as the layers of make-up would have you believe!
Uncle Chim Tuna is here to help you decode members of the female species. Young nephew,  to undertake this dangerous study of the Kenyan raving female’s behaviour, you must clear your mind of any and indeed all of the assumptions and misguided notions you hold as truths.
With that said, let us begin this perilous journey into the psyche of the raving Kenyan female!

Time Waster
This breed of female should be avoided at all costs! She appears normal at first glance but upon further inspection, she displays signs of leading men on often luring them with the promise of something more in store. Avoid these. They are just like the black widow spider only these feed off destroyed self esteem and shattered dreams!
They are often spoted in groups or as your uncle Chim Tuna calls them, witch covens. Ignore these pretentious breed altogether!

Ms. Ratchet
This particular breed of ravers is associated with habits such as engaging in physical violence and/or encouraging the same and this i believe is it’s mating ritual. This particular breed of female is characterised by bad weaves, torn clothes or a bad attitude that is meant to be gangsta and/or natty!
Avoid this breed of raving lass like the plague! This specie will either end up getting you beat-down or engaging in ratchet behaviour. They are also the vampires of the female world because no self respecting man wants to be seen with one of these when dawn rises!

Ms. One-Drink-Too-Many
This breed is a rather sad one! They are characterized by an acute inability to handle and contain their liquor and often end up either throwing up, passing out or both simultaneously! And what’s really sad about this specie is that they are often between the ages of 18 and 23 and if you’re in a relationship with one of these, i pity you enyi: they often wake up in strange men’s beds or worse still, they end up making you look like a rap*st as you and yer comrades carry her home or to the car.

Ms. The-Make-Up-Isn’t-Working
This one is plain out ugly. The members of this breed share an uncanny resemblance to a warthog! They have loads of make-up on that does little to help them. Even in badly lit clubs and after imbibing copious amounts of alcohol, they are still really aesthetically unappealing.
Funny thing is that these are the lasses with the most bile and pride! They seem to forget that hitting on them is doing one’s service to humanity (nee charity). I am taking one for #TeamMankind to keep everyone happy and content.

Ms Independent
These lasses are of the obstinate breed that is 27 to 30, still at the club and complaining about how men these days cannot handle women of her mettle. I am here to perform my civic duty and let you know that men choose not to approach you because you are a pain in the… uhm… Let’s just say you are a pain and leave that rounded off!
It’s not that men can’t handle you; your “love-handles” would actually make that easy… Nay, my nephews leave you alone because the point of imbibing is to get drunk then deal with a hang-over the morning after; not right there at the club!

Ms Gold Digger

Nephews, i need you to listen to uncle Chim Tuna carefully when he says that most Kenyan women fall into this category save for two: one mentioned previously (directly above) and one that we’ll be looking at later…
And if a lass at the club expects you to keep buying her and her guzzling ogre friends rounds, run for the hills! Do not compete with these ones! It is actually easier and cheaper to entertain a mistress of the night (though i do not advocate for this).
Members of this breed order for drinks they cannot pronounce let alone afford to drink when they are on their own. This lass will order for chh-a-m-pa-g-n-i instead of champagne and they will do so at Skyluxx (do people still go there? Well, who knows, it was this lasses choice afterall!)

Ms Issues

This breed are the type to imbibe an iota of alcohol then breakdown and amid sobs tell you about their cheating boyfriend or their abusive ex! Nephew, do not white-knight! Walk away enyim! This lass will only ruin your chi and your night! You aren’t Dr. Phil so by all means, do not take on her burdens!

Ms Cockblocker

This is the ugly lass whose sole purpose that night is to ensure that none of her friends have a good time! Gels, this breed is an enemy to both the lads and the lasses because her sole purpose is to sap the fun right out of your night!
Leave this accessory at home! This breed is notorious for setting high standards for the men who approach her friend yet when my nephew sets his nkita (mongrel) looking friend on her as a wingman, she is game for whatever… Problem is, boys hunt in packs, men hunt alone!

Ms Cougar
This one doesn’t need your money and infact throws pints your way just to get you inebriated enough to find her 32 year old self attractive and nimble enough to explore but nephew, avoid these types unless you have no self respect and/or you want alot of drama in your life. When her husband finds out (which they all inevitably do), you enyi are a dead lad!
The perks however about this breed is that there is no beating about the bush. They say what they want and do what they must to get you home with them… only to kick you out at 5:30 in the morning and ye left ye car at Volar and yer current location is somewhere in Lavington! True Story bro!

Ms. Perfect
Nephew these do not exist in the club and seeing her simply means you should either switch to water or stop drinking altogether! Yer drunk and that is not in the good way!
Your friends should actually slap you sober!

Feeling this list? How about you check out the TEN TYPES OF ‘LADS’ FOUND IN KENYAN CLUBS too!