A few weeks ago, I was in a resort in Kampala Uganda, a place that was supposed to give me a refreshing break from Nairobi and its women. I booked a two day trip for business purposes because I still bear the dreams of holding wealth portfolios that equate to those of Dangote and Ellon Musk. The back, center and front of my mind was filled with the idea of banging slutty Ugandan girls.
The environment of Kampala for banging, it turned out, was the worst I’ve seen. The negatives were real, they were serious and they were many. They included:
— Complete inaccessibility of young Kampala girls. They were continually guarded by men or family members.
— Girls like sex but the sex comes with conditions. There is little casual sex or dating. Instead of one-night stands you have six-month stands, where you commit before fornicating.
— Nuclear bomb of horny Ugandan men who approach any girl regardless of age and beauty.
— Loud, cheesy nightlife with 4 guys for every 1 girl.
Even worse is that I went solo. On the handful of interactions I made progress on, I couldn’t isolate in the end. Rolling solo in a regular city isn’t so bad, but in a foreign locale it was the death knell. In the end I couldn’t wait to return to the relative poosy paradise of Nairobi.
There were a lot of negatives in that trip, but the positive was being able to witness how Ugandan men work in groups to get laid. They attack like Real Madrid and defend like Chelsea hat means no other human has a chance. I must say that besides being mostly disgusted, i was duly impressed with their level of thirst, wingmanship and coordination..
1. They go out in groups of at least three, with defined roles for each member
One guy is the “translator,” meaning he has the best English (compared to the bad kisungu of other Ugandan men) and facilitates conversation with foreign women. Another is the “lead clown” with the best energy and dance skills. And yet another is the “bouncer” who keeps an eye on outsider men and informs the group of any possible intruders. Instead of all the guys in the group running game independently without accounting for what their wings are doing, Ugandan men maximize their individual strengths to ensure group success. There is no lone wolf game—it’s a team effort.
2. Approach targets simultaneously with overwhelming power
There’s not much subtlety about the Ugandan approach. They all go in simultaneously to announce to the women that they have arrived and are definitely in pursuit. They begin smiling, touching, and joking almost immediately, usually with a plan to get the girls dancing as quickly as possible. Their initial game is heavily based on the physical.
3. Keep targets primarily entertained with dancing
Long chats in the club are not what Ugandan men prefer. While they are actually able to run this type of game, their go-to weapon at night is the dance floor. Many of them dance surprisingly well, practicing for years as teenagers to the music of Chameleone and Bebe Cool until making the switch to more mainstream house and hip hop. Since women are in the club to primarily dance, their strategy yields results.
4. Immediately engage and neutralize any threat
Ugandan men keep an eye on other men just as much as the women. They fully understand that any fish they catch must be kept clear from the hooks of other fishermen. One thing they do is position themselves around women they are talking to in a way that completely blocks any other man who may want to try an approach.
If a man does penetrate through their defenses, they immediately re-group to eject him, either by distracting him (with the same energy they use on the girls), or getting the bouncer of the group to deliver a not-so-subtle admonishment of “these girls are with us.” It’s extremely effective since it doesn’t rely on the kindness of women to be cold to interloping men.
I’m in full agreement with their strategy here: if you’re just starting a conversation with a chic in a club, you must immediately shut down any attempts by strange men, even if it makes you look needy. Only when a girl’s attraction for you is solid can you be more aloof.
5. Make all girls in the group feel like princesses, no matter how ugly
There’s taking one for the team, and then there’s the Ugandan version of it. I have seen good looking Kampala men wing their brothers with horrendous women that look like a crossbreed between Oliver Mtukudzi and Chief Keef.
Kampala men take bros before hoes to a level I haven’t seen, and as long as one girl in a group is pretty, all the men will give it their all on each of her friends. It gets to the point where if the hottest girl wants to leave, the ugly ones will convince her to stay because they are being pursued so vigorously by men who are much more handsome than they are pretty.
6. Supply drinks without going nuts
Ugandan men aren’t so needy that they are buying drinks all night long, but they definitely do try to lock down girls with a strategic purchase of a bottle of liquor. Their funds are lower than that of Kenyan men, so they have to pool their money to keep the party going, which is why you tend to see them in packs. It’s another example of working in groups to minimize individual weakness.
7. No doesn’t mean no
They don’t accept the first no that a girl gives them, even if it’s absolutely certain to an outside observer that that no won’t be changed. This feature of their game, more than anything else, has given them a bad reputation as hyper-persistent, and even I don’t see its effectiveness.
While persisting past a no late in the game when you’re close to sex is important, Ugandan men ignore no’s that come right upon the approach, and once in a set with a girl, they will not leave unless the girl pushes him away or ignores him completely. This can be painful to watch, and even worse is that you know the girl will be much less receptive if you approach her afterwards because the dude put her in a more sour mood.
8. Victory is had if only one man of the group gets laid
Their goal isn’t necessarily for all men of the group to get laid—it’s just for one member to score. If he is successful, on the next night he’s going to sacrifice several hours with the ugliest beast in the bar so that his boy can get laid. They have a complete selflessness that I haven’t seen in other men, all because they see getting laid as a long-term team effort instead of a short-term individual sport. The sacrifice they make for their fellow man is admirable.
Watching groups of Ugandan men in a club is like witnessing a coordinated ditional tradance. If you’re solo in a club with a lot of Ugandan men, you should consider leaving. That’s what I did after making enough observations to come up with an article. The synergy they bring forth makes it hard to compete and they greatly increase the bitch shield of women they fail with. The only problem with adopting Ugandan game is that it clashes with a Kenyan man’s individualistic values. We’re too selfish to sacrifice entire nights for friends
Ugandan men get a bad reputation , but they do some things that are worth emulating when operating in a club with friends. Nonetheless, let’s count our blessings that we are not in Uganda and have to rely solely on group effort and extreme hard work to get laid.
