More Than Enough Thigh, Behemoth Booties, Thirsty Men, Dead Batteries And Foolish Fights…..Here’s Why The 2 Chainz Concert Rocked

The Jameson Live Party went down this past Friday to widespread acclaim. The star of the show happened to be American superstar 2 Chainz.

I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. Even a booty call from Miss World wouldn’t have stopped me from going to the show. The grammy nominated artist provided an empowering evening of entertainment at the sold out Ngong Racecourse concert. As expected the show was rich in ratchetness. Who are we kidding? This is Titty Boi we’re talking about. His music bequeaths the joys of lovemaking whether it’s in a foreign car ‘Ridin Around’ or on camera (Netflix)

We left the CBD at around 9 after some binge-eating at KFC with one Mitch. He is a Ghafla employee but rolls like he owns the place…Lol. Baba Ghafla picked us up in an old bust sleek Mercedes and I was dying to get my hands on the wheel. Despite my efforts to persuade him to let me drive, he insisted on being our chauffeur. I must admit he’s the slowest and most cautious driver on planet earth. He’s no Jeremy Clarkson. Trust me, even the person who finished last in the Boston Marathon could have arrived there by foot faster than us. Mores so, he forced us to listen to Marvin Gaye and Lionel Richie ballads all the way.

Funny enough, our German machine broke down in the traffic jam at the entrance. Phewks. The battery was dead. Seems even the gods were getting bored of the soul music. Time to turn up and trap up. We offered to help but ‘Mr.Chauffeur’ refused and decided to call the insurance company. “No trial and error on my car”, he bellowed.

So we walked through the jam as rich kids from Karen closed their windows fearing we might be some carjackers. Hell no

VIP was our destination. Inside, DJ Bash was spinning records and doing a fine job getting the crowd revved up for the star of the evening. Two basic bishes were already enrolled in a catfight over a man. They had to be carried out early by bouncers as their loaded derrieres dangled in the air. Oops.

Eye candy was in absolute abundance. As I was busy admiring the field of flesh and eyeing potential targets,, I spied a large unmistakably handlebar moustache walking past me, attached to a head with no hair. It was Joe Muchiri, the fashion-obsessed, narcissistic, oversexed twitter bigwig and radio producer at Capital FM. Then there was phenomenal actor Nick Mutuma. It was slightly annoying to experience the sheer volume of babes stampeding past, across and over me to get to the Shuga star

I bumped into an old friend and Ghafla’s former superstar, Chimwani aka Uncle Chim Tuna. He was so excited to see me. For a moment I thought I was Angel Gabriel himself. Given that I am allied to his bête noir, it was no surprise that his boys spontaneously choked with disbelief on their ‘Jemisons’ as we shook hands and engaged in mild story telling. .

Minutes past midnight, the main n***r showed up and he really did give fans a lot of bang for their buck. First, he began by spewing venom at what he considered to be a lack of respect for those who bashed him for missing the original show last November.

“I have never missed a show in my mother f***n life”. He clarified

But that was not to spoil the show. Mr. Chainz is a complex character with ferocious energy and a quite extraordinary command of the crowd. The rapper quickly displayed his knack with slinging rhyme, spitting out contagious versus as the bass-heavy beats boomed through such offerings as “Bandz a Make her Dance”, “Rich as F#ck” and “Dresser”. His stagecraft and showmanship were truly astounding.

As I was trying to concentrate on the performance, my favorite moment arrived. A sexy momo came charging towards me and said she was my biggest fan. I smiled. I didn’t know I brought put them thirst in them ladies like that.

“Hey Philip Etemesi. Congratulations on being nominated for the African Blogger Of The Year. I love your articles. My favorite article was Why You Should Date A Momo. I liked the way you compared sleeping with a plus-size woman to being in a battlefield. It was funny. It kinda reminded me of the movie, the 200”

I think she meant the 300. Perhaps she only watched 2/3 of it. I told her so and joked that she must have watched it at some guys’ place just before lungula. That’s why she remembered it as the 200. We all know you never finish a movie when you are with a chic at your place.. But the guy must have been slow. If it was me, she would have remembered is at the 100, because I’d have let her watch only 1/3 of it. She laughed at my witty jokes and surprisingly gave me her number.

“Call me, I have to get back to my BFFs” she said, before thumping away.

Moments later, there was a roar from the 5000 string crowd as the rapper fondled his iconic gold chains while giving a short speech on why he loved strippers. He also made sure to brag that his home town Atlanta had the best strip clubs in the universe. The blaring screams blended perfectly with the cloud of sheesha smoke that ruled the air. It was a wild atmosphere as Titty Boi continued to churn through abridged versions of “I Luv Dem Strippers” “Twerk Season” and “Birthday Song”. There was no stasis in performance. He simply spit one track after another in a laid back but cool manner. His gigantic bouncers were keen like the secret service and ensured that no potential Huddah Monroe would pull him from the stage and smoother him with kisses. The ladies were well familiar with the lyrics. Men were lousy and only interested on potential chips fungas. Smart phones were all in the air recording and I’m pretty sure lots of them went missing

Tauheed Epps (his real name) would then remind fans of his lengthy resume as he took us back to where it all started, when Le struggle was real and performed a fine version of the Playaz Circle smash “Duffle Bag Boy” .Then two bonus tracks before closing by thanking the crowd.

He lied, the way every top artiste lies to fans – “This is my best show ever”. Come on! We know that’s the same thing you tell fans in London, New York and Toronto. Nevertheless, it was a scintillating performance that cemented my respect for the guy. But the party was not over yet. It was ‘Club ‘0’ clock as the spinmasters took over once again.

Elsewhere, Mitch was being strangled for taking inappropriate pictures of a damsel before Baba Ghafla pulled a Batman and saved the day.

As I was busy discussing the performance with one of my buddies, a very creamy chic, clad in black leather turned slowly and flicked out her tongue at me through slightly pursed lips in what looked like some form of mating call. I’ve been in this game long enough to know the signals so I gladly headed towards her. It was my lucky night. We found a place to sit as the stamina-laden Dj Bash took over the decks once again. To my surprise she sat on my laps and as Jeff Koinange would say, “Oh my wa mae”- thighs for days were all at my disposal.

But then the devil won’t let me have my way as the chic’s boyfriend showed up and spoiled my mini party. He nearly started a fight but I backed away. As the Swahili would say, “Alikua mtu wa miraba minne”. I was no march for him.. As her douche of her boyfriend whisked her away from my dangerous claws, she turned and waved the call me sign while pointing to the ground. This was strange indeed. She had dropped a paper with her number on it. Damn these ladies are smart nowadays. I winked and said T.R.U.U.U.U.U