The Most Definitive Things about Being A Nairobian

A couple of days back KOT had fun coming up with attributes and things that make one a Nairobian. In their usual selves, there was the hilarious, the stereotype and the outrageous. It got me back to my relatives and friends living in other town who are so ever critical of the place, or just never get to enjoy anything the beautiful hectic city offers.

For others this town whether born here or the hustle got you here, this City is home and even when real home calls you either leave part of yourself back here or take your Nairobism with you. So what defines a Nairobian, here are the attributes of the ultimate Nairobian

1.       Suspicion

The Nairobian is suspect of, and suspects everything and anything. Years of tales and experiences with con artists, police, kanjo, bosses and mboches , beggars and brokers have made the Nairobian suspect of everything that they have acquired similar characteristics themselves. Such suspicion makes him (am sticking with one pronoun) move houses at night and has him getting three friends in any deal not for witnesses but as security. It is also the reason behind crazy behavior like; struggling to get loose change just in case the conductor ‘forgets’ due change, rushing past any person approaching him on the street even if it is to hand back a dropped item, and the endless taking of selfies especially in the office just to be sure you belong there.

2.        Knows the importance of pesa ya macho

Of all the payments the Nairobian makes willingly and will even offer unasked is pesa ya macho. Whether it is in order to have, his car watched over or for someone who has spotted a deal, job or new house, ‘pesa ya macho is not something he will risk not to hand out.

3.       Image

The ultimate Nairobian knows that his image is the single most important investment in a city where the book is judged by its cover and reputation nothing else. There are people feared and those adored even without having interacted with most of the people from whom they elicit such reactions. Whether it in dating, work, church or within the neighborhood, the right image in Nairobi gets you places character and qualifications can only get you to the application stage. Hence, the investment in phones, clothing, accents, hobbies, vehicular means of transport and neighborhoods. No it is not consumerism it is survival.

4.       Networking aka Connections

The ultimate Nairobian understands without having gone to a motivational talk the importance of having the right connections. The emphasis here is on right. He will have the numbers and be in good terms with the local shylock, SACCO manager, watchmen, mama mboga, a couple of policemen, a number of brokers, doctors, someone at KRA , County council etc. the trick here is not having all these people’s contacts but knowing someone who knows someone who…

5.       Man eating tendencies

The late Julius Nyerere in describing Kenya as a man eat man society erred in the generalization. Sure all Kenyans are hustlers but Nairobians are on another level. A Nairobian will sell you what they understand is a poor deal blinking an eye not in trepidation, but as a seal and comfort you on your way to hell. Don’t deny when you can recall the couple of times you have bailed out on your friends and family…it is the name of the life and here you hate the players and praise the game.