‘Nipatie Change Yangu’ (Inside The Unsavory World Of Dealing With Makangas)
Sometimes I enter a matatu and realize that my chances of later alighting without having had at least one major altercation with the conductor are severely limited. I’ve had heated exchanges with touts a number of times in my life but the worst it ever got was when I clobbered one like a burukenge. I was still in college and still broke. After I had entered the matatu from town, the guy clearly stated that fare was 80 bob. On the way I gave him a hundred bob. Five times I asked for my change and the jean-sagging frog-voiced fella told me to wait.
On arriving at my destination I stretched out my hand like a beggar to receive my change and instead of giving to Etemesi what belongs to Etemesi, he barked “Si nilisema fare ni soo moja (100 bob). Problem is, my 20 bob balance had been planned for. It was for chapatti madondo and I was hungry. Now this guy wanted to take it away from me just like that?
I asked him again politely and he gave me the same bullshit answer – fare ni soo moja buda. So with Hulk-like rage, I pounced on the guy, mayweathered him two or three times before concluding with the crisp finish of my boot on his balls. Moments later, his fellow makangas were raining blows on me too in defense of their colleague. I managed to slip away and run before I got seriously injured.
Yes I ran away like a puppy with my tail between my legs. There was an unfair tyranny of numbers there so retreating was the wise thing to do. And after all, some mzungu called Kenny Rodgers said you don’t have to fight o be a man.
See Also: How To Vibe A Hot Chic In A Matatu
For that reason and many others, I hate makangas……….
Nairobi touts can be really annoying. Like a witch straight from the Harry Porter Universe, they can transform your good day into a horrible day in an instant. And most of the time, there’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve tried hard to respect makangas and their trade. But I just can’t. This is mainly due to issues such as these:
Scramble for mankind
You are walking to the stage from your house wearing your well-ironed shirt. You are headed for a business meeting that could change your life and before you even board the matatu, a group of makangas find it appropriate to pull you left, right and centre and leave your shirt with creases. Tots will scramble for you like you are an uncolonized African nation in the 19th century and they are European countries. Dear makangas, we are not toddlers. Unless you are my girlfriend, do not touch me
The balance issue still…
You’ve heard of the phrase, ‘Kiendacho kwa mganga hakirudi?’ I tend to think that makangas coined this phrase. You give the guy a note then instead of giving you your balance straight away, he moves on to other passengers. Then you have to keep reminding the guy while he lectures you on the important virtue called patience. If you don’t pester him enough your 10 bob or 20 bob will go to their pockets.
Makangas are like the KRA. They will tax your heavily if you are not smart or whiny enough. They just have no problem abusing their positions for personal gains
Insults
And the award for the most foulmouthed inhabitants of the universe goes to………… You guessed it right –Makangas. Their mouths are septic tanks filed with filthy lucre.
Lack of respect for women
All the undressing fiasco that led to the #MyDressMyChoice campaign a few months ago was caused by makangas. They are way too disrespectful to women, They whistle, they mock and they openly harass females openly.
Outright discourtesy to customers
Analyzing the misdemeanors of Nairobi makangas might require several chapters. But to sum it up with the most relevant descriptors, they are cocky, egotistical, arrogant, abrasive, confrontational, uncompromising, irrational, stubborn, pig-headed, fiery and pinching pains in the a$$.
Closing Prayer
May God help me buy my own car soon….AMEN
