GHAFLA EXPLORES: The Obama Dinner At State House Was a ‘Hotbed’ Of Poor Dancers, Inflated Egos And Snobby Ladies…Here’s What I Learned After Attending The Exquisite Gathering

I was lucky enough to be invited for the State Dinner on Saturday night, headlined by the most powerful human on earth, President Obama. Oh yeah. To all those who thought I’d never amount to nothing, look at me now bishes……whoop….whoop.

Of course one of my main agendas as a respectable Luhya man was to network with food and enjoy all the fine delicacies in the house. Especially the western inspired chicken-and-waffles dish with macerated cherries that’s famous for its sweet-and –savory flavor combination

Some people were fun to chat with but others were just waling bags with over packed egos. Thin slicing was the order of the night. To define this, thin slicing is when someone analyzes your status, intelligence and promiscuity within the first few minutes of talking to you. Then they decide whether to give you a portion of their time or not. Consequently, no one was immune to some the powerful snobby women in the room. Talk to the hand – that’s the message most of them conveyed

Apart from getting to interact with some of the most influential people, It was amazing to see the most decorated Luo throwing formality to the winds and joining guests in an impromptu dance. I could have made my way to him and taught him a few moves but I was elbowed by a secret service agent and ordered to either sit down or maintain my ground. Maybe I was too soft on him too. I should have used the ‘Unanijua wewe kweli” phrase on him.

What felt uneasy was watching Sauti Sol steal all the glory because I had criticized them in an article a few days earlier. I did that in good professional faith but it seems they took offense.

Earlier on, during the pre-dinner handshakes, one of the band members (I’ll pretend I don’t remember his name) even refused to greet me. He stopped, peered at my hand like I had final-stage leprosy, stared ahead for a couple of seconds, shook his head then marched on. It was the snub of the decade.

You can understand my ‘waru in the throat‘ feeling when I had to watch the US President getting serenaded in English and Swahili by the afro-pop band. I bet Obama left knowing this group was the hottest musical act in Africa. Well, they can be the hottest if only they stop collaborating with Kenrazy and Visita

Dear Sauti Sol, nothing is personal between me and you guys. I don’t harbor a visceral loathing for you. I just hate everything you’ve released after Sura Yako. That’s it

I thank God though for giving me the ability to not give a monkey’s cuss whether someone hates me or not,

All that time, I was networking. I was disappointed that my favorite Shark Mark Cuban was nowhere to be seen and everyone was scrambling for Daymond John, the FUBU founder.. Sycophantic media stars disgraced themselves by pestering him for photos as he circled menacingly around the venue

The highlight of the night had to be when, Mr. ‘Presi-dance’ Obama stood up, buttoned up his coat and joined in with the Lipala. Soon, the entire top table was up, including the Kenyan president and first lady Uhuru and Margaret Kenyatta, and the US national security adviser, Susan Rice. When it was done, the laughing president hugged his half-sister, Auma.

Our president needs to take dancing lessons. He was way off in co-ordination. Not him alone. Several other guests were moving like they had back pains. It was all too funny

The Nairobi youth orchestra did well too as they performed next, accompanying Kenyatta’s niece, Kavi Pratt, who was on vocals. When she offered a rendition of At Last, POTUS sang along, but without a microphone.

It was hilarious when Obama unleashed a biting comedic barbs against his critics and political adversaries, claiming some of them believe he came back to Kenya to look for his birth certificate, adding, “That is not the case.”

The US president would make a great stand-up comic, not because he’s the funniest president ever but because he uses jokes the same way many comedians do: as a weapon. Obama’s humor is often delivered the way a comedian dealing with a heckler would do it. He tries to undermine his opponents with it and get the crowd — in this case the public — on his side

After the event, I was waiting for cab to take me home when a familiar jocular bearded face sprang jauntily into view. It was that of a popular TV anchor. Again, I just couldn’t remember his name. Problem is, he knew me very well. Blame my slight amnesia on the way I had gobbled the vintage pink champagne at State House like it was chai.

We chatted for a few minutes, as he bemoaned the horror of what we Ghafla guys write, then a very excited young lady interrupted our conversation.

‘Excuse me! I would LOVE a photo!’

Now, when two ‘celebrities’ are standing together and someone comes up and does this, the unspoken thought process is: ‘Please God, don’t let it be for the other guy…’

We both stared at her intently. In my heart though, I felt it wasn’t me she was referring to. Logically speaking, he was a real celebrity while I was a semi-celebrity. There was no way…..

Then the magical words came forth from the woman’s lovely lips: ‘Etemesi, I’m your biggest fan!’ 

The anchor’s omnipresent smile froze into instant abject shock.

‘Of COURSE!’ I replied, trying to hide my jubilation.

‘Who can we get to take it?’ she asked.

Ask my friend here,’ I suggested while pointing to Mr. Anchor. ‘He’s a very good photographer.’

His eyes creased like a Gikomba T-shirt. The lady shoved her phone into his hands, utterly oblivious to his identity. ‘Thanks Sir’

‘Yes, thanks Sir!’ I winked, pouring several pounds of virtual salt into the gaping psychological wounds of the TV anchor. I could see the tiniest twitch of irritation develop around his nose. He took several pictures as my fan continued to coo about how ‘brilliant’ I am.

Then he muttered ‘You b*****d Etemesi!’ under his breath, before slopping off down the road with his shoulders hunched sorrowfully and what I thought to be a small tear flowing from his left eye.

What an amazing night. KARIBU TENA POTUS