The Secret Of Ghafla
There are countless advantages of working at Ghafla. There’s a string of disadvantages too. I like going by the classic Hollywood cliché, ‘‘Give me the bad news first’’. So let me paint the dark picture first
While working for Ghafla, you get to have beef with lots of celebrities, especially if you enjoy slaying their characters like I do. Someone like Huddah Monroe would be tempted to spit on my face if we ever met one on one. Rabbit would land a Lennox Lewis jab on my face if only such a move wouldn’t ruin his reputation. Octopizzo would definitely hurl incomprehensible sheng insults at me. Anto Neosoul would strangle me with his bare hands if they weren’t soft like those of a girl. Corazon would sit on my face and try to suffocate me with her butt the way the legendary wrestler Yokozuna used to do. The list goes on
But for us it’s never personal. One day we praise you, the next day we throw you under the trailer and rejoice in ululations as you’re crushed to minced meat. For me especially, if you do something silly, I have to launch a well-constructed literal assault on you. The word ‘mercy’ isn’t in my vocabulary. It has never been
Another disadvantage is that you get to be hated by people who would be better off learning from you than actually hating. There are some mainstream guys who feel we are responsible for killing journalism. Yes, they call us ‘gutter press’. A guy who earns 20k at Nation Media for example, will still hate on you despite the fact that you earn five times better than him and can afford to hire him as your houseboy.
There are the ‘decent’ writers and bloggers too who have put themselves in the literature cocoon. It pains them that people like Etemesi, Cabu Gah and Njoki Chege are so popular yet they don’t incorporate literature elements in their writing. They dream of writing books that will only end up selling 20 copies. They own blogs that only get 50 hits or less per story. Their story titles consist of three words or less. Absurd titles such as: The Woman, Maasai Mara or Eating Ugali’ are what make them smile. They don’t understand that successful blogging lies with the power of the title and the sweetness of the story. Maybe they’ll never understand and it’s all to their detriment..
I used to be in that ‘decent writing’ cult too. I was brainwashed into believing that Ghafla was the worst thing to ever happen to humanity. I was made to believe that Ghafla was like ‘The Antichrist’- a horror story. About two years ago, i joined a blog called Niaje.com. They were impressed by my work at Capital FM (I was a contributor on their website). The first thing I was told at Niaje was ‘DON’T EVER TRY TO WRITE GHAFLA-ISH STORIES HERE.’ Ghafla was the enemy. Yet we had no choice but to check Gahfla for breaking stories because we had no solid sources of our own
The first three months at Niaje were good. We had a boss who would yell at us like a primary school headmaster and read results for who had the highest hits. I was happy that I always topped. I was contented until the company started having financial difficulties and we went for two months without pay. I remember going for two weeks straight without breakfast and lunch. I only ate supper. The good thing was my mama mboga loved me. When I bought ‘sukuma ya 20 bob’ she would add me some more for 10 bob. That’s how I survived.
Everyone left eventually and Niaje fell apart. Then it was revived again this year after a long hiatus. But the Niaje of today isn’t the Niaje I worked for. It’s a shell of its former self. The Niaje I worked for almost toppled Ghafla as the best entertainment blog. The Niaje of today is just another entertainment blog. I still don’t understand why they’ve never been noble enough to pay me the two months salary they still owe me from over a year ago.
There’s a small number of fans who think we are shit too. It’s okay. I can never say anything bad about the fans. A consumer has the power of choice. If Ghafla isn’t your cup of tea, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are things I also don’t like and no one can convince me to like them
On to the brighter side of things now. At Ghafla, there are several benefits like getting to go for exclusive events without having to pay a dime for them. We also get plenty of groupies and financial bonuses. No one tells you what to do either. You are expected to be responsible enough to know your job and do it well. Basically we are spoilt but awesome grown ups
At Ghafla I get to work alongside the most exciting and craziest colleagues ever. Everyone here seems so have superhuman qualities.
Take Tony for example (The Ultimate Playboy and fashion icon) who has been visited in the office by over 200 girls from all races ever since he joined the team. Then there’s Martin (The Godfather Of Clickbait) who’s amazing titles can make you read a story about Jua Cali eating Githeri. There’s Sheila too, the most decent lady I have ever met. When I came to Ghafla, she thought I was a jerk but now we are good friends.
There’s another human called Goga, who I think is at the wrong place. He’s so good at his job that I think he should be doing Data Analysis for the CIA instead. How about Cabu Gah? The social media celebrity who only shows up at work for one hour daily. He spends the first 20 minutes writing a dope article and the next forty minutes making people laugh. He loves women more than food too – an amazing guy. Asher Omondi is another strange being. He’s the guy who knows everything about east African celebrities. He hates all foreign things. In fact, he’s so African that he knows everything about Gor Mahia and the Kenyan Premier League but still thinks that European football is waste of time.
Not to forget the beautiful Sue Watiri who is known by everyone I guess. Her work email is always overflowing with offers from thirsty men. She’s never intimidated by anything. There’s Munyu too, who allegedly got a first class in Journalism school. He’s as effective as an oasis in the Kalahari. Now make way for Mutuma, the tech savvy guy who has watched all movies ever made. There’s Sean – the man who never sits down. I cannot forget Omega, the serial snack-eater. He’s the only person I have failed to beat in FIFA 15.
There’s Irari too, our editor. He’s blessed with the confidence of Thor and a girlfriend that fell from heaven and landed on his arms. Uuuum… who else? Salim, the only guy who doesn’t use curse words in the office – the gentleman in here. Moree is the Larry King in here. He has interviewed more celebrities than Larry Madowo and jeff Koinange combined. There are four other ladies who roll together and call themselves the Powerpuff Girls. Their stories are so intense that they’d need a different article. And how could I forget Lewis, the sales guru and wisest guy in the office who’s gift of the gab lures thousands of advertisers to our lair. He’s the reason why we are all living comfortably. Finally, there’s the boss Mr.Majani who gives us all the freedom to nurture our craziness
So yes, we are a huge family. We are not just a mere blog as some people tend to think. The collective contributions of us all are what makes Ghafla a threat. And of course Ghafla would never have been a threat without the good work of the founding employees. People like Uncle Chim Tuna, The Pope of Pissing off People, Vincent Omondi and Jeff Omondi who went on to greener pastures at radio Africa and Multichoice respectively.
So yes, Ghafla is our home. We have challenges but we never fear or despair because all of us want to be great in life. We don’t conduct a witch hunt on anyone, Neither do we pamper, we just do our job. I don’t think I would have grown so fast as a writer if I hadn’t joined Ghafla. And of course, none of us will work here forever. At one time, each one of us will move to the next challenge, just the way Chim and company did. Other people will replace us. But the pride comes with striving to be the best we can ever be – individually.
When I am not dissing celebrities at Ghafla or narrating my escapades, I am busy lying to people about love on a blog called mwalii.co.ke
