REVEALED: How To Join The Illuminati!!!!

Are you having trouble paying your rent? Is your land lord terrorizing you like ISIS? Are you tarmacking till your shoe sole is no more? Do you lack money to even buy ‘nyama quarter’? Do you want to be famous and have pantyless groupies lining up at your door? Do you want to be famous like Albert Einsten after he discovered ‘The Theory Of Relativity’? Do you wish to have a mind like his? Do you want to drink Malibu with Rihanna in the Bahamas. Well, don’t suffer anymore. Join the Illuminati today.

The illuminati will change your life completely. By joining the Illuminati, you could build an empire that increased your personal holdings while further subjugating the uninformed masses of humanity. As your trusted sheriff, I have uncovered the secrets and determined the exact procedure for joining the vile cult.

But first, what is the Illuminati? Let me at least explain it for the common man in ‘Pungoma’ who thinks it’s an organization formed by Jay Z

According to the urban dictionary in reference to paranoid conspiracy theorists,

“The Illuminati is a secret organization of the most powerful and influential elite who control the world. They consist of international bankers, musicians, billionaires, actors, sportsmen, top government officials, leaders in the energy cartel and media monopoly owners and have control over most industries. Members of the Illuminati enjoy life fully. Their subdivisions reach into everyone’s daily life without most sheeple even being aware of it. They also have ties to the freemasons, skull and bones, and the knights Templar. Their ultimate goal is for a one world government which they will control. They also aim to gain control and ownership of all land, property, resources and people.”

Wow. Interesting isn’t it? Anyway, that’s a flawed definition. There’s a true definition which I will let you know later.

So without wasting time, let’s delve into the requirements that are expected from a normal citizen in order for him/her to be inducted into the society. Chilling stuff. Get ready for the bits of unpalatable truths that I am about to deliver. If you are faint-hearted, don’t read on:

‘Sacrifice your friends’

If you happen to have those friends that like idling and lazing around, you ought to sacrifice them to the Illuminati. Yes, the Illuminati needs them. The Illuminati doesn’t want their secrets to spill to lazy people. So dump those friends and only keep the ones that are bright and focused. Find people who share and support your ambitions. Strategically find your way into the social circles of the elite. Most of them are ‘Illuminati’. Hang out with the best. Then watch how quickly your life will change. Isn’t the Illuminati amazing? Goddamn.

‘Perform daily rituals’

If you want to join the Illuminati, you have to perform daily rituals, This means, waking up early, getting to meet and know successful people, working for longer hours than you are used to, Display all your talents. These rituals of ‘hard work’ will push you closer to the cabal of mysterious forces that make up the Illuminati. Work extra hard and be patient. After all, the secret society is patient with their goal of world domination, so why should you not be? Keep it going. You can only join the Illuminati after months of consistently demonstrating your worth. Now to the final chapter

‘Be secretive”

Only fools yap about all their plans. Since the Illuminati is a secret occult group, they will only admit you if you are secretive too. If you want to start a business, don’t tell people. Just start it. Appear to always know more than what you are revealing. Be judicious with what you tell people. They will start guessing and they’ll start making up stories.

Kill Your Mother’ (with love)

Yes, kill your mother (with lots of love). Hahaa.. Jamaican singer Alaine told us that ‘blessings come raining down when mama prays’ So ‘kill’ your mother with love. Shower her with gifts, call her everyday, send her money etc. In the words of Chris Martin, “Buss a blank fi your mama.” Love your mama. The blessings will come and you will be successful in life, just like members of the Illuminati. Then jealous people will say you are in the Illuminati. Then you will be in the Illuminati by word of mouth. Donge?

There you have it folks. That’s how to join the illuminati or in other words, ‘How To Be Successful And Make Jealous People Say You Are In The Illumnati.’

And as promised, here is the true definition of Illuminati:

“The Illuminati is an imaginary secret organization that exists in the minds of lazy, ignorant and jealous people who want to find a justifiable reason why other people are so successful while they themselves languish in mediocrity. “

So yes, there’s no Illuminati. In fact, it’s just a quirky piece of Internet lingo that gained cultural traction from idle minds. And if you keep on believing in it, you are only doing yourself great disservice by focusing on the lives of others instead of building your own.

If the Illuminati really existed, people wouldn’t know about it, because it’s supposed to be a secret organization. And even if it exists, it’s just a business organization for a few white folks, not a global evil force that makes people rich and famous. WORK HARD