10 Things Kenyans Do To Survive ‘Msoto ya January’

Yes it’s that’s month. Worse still, we’re in the middle of it. We like to call it ‘Njaanuary’, Figuring out why we Kenyans are always broke in the first month of the year is not as hard as Aristotle philosophy. We spend like bawses in December then end up with losses when the new year checks in.

So what are the things most of us do in order travel throught he January jungle unscathed? Here are some of them

Switch to strungi (strong tea)

Sorry Tuzo, KCC and the rest of y’all milk creameries. Ati chai ya maziwa? Chai ya maziwa ni wewe. Chai ya maziwa ni nyinyi na watu wenu. Strong tea is always the preferred beverage among Kenyans during this dry month. And bread is not a must

Crackdown on debtors

Woe unto you if you owe someone money. In the month of January, people become as zealous as Zakayo The Tax Collector when it comes to re-acquiring what belongs to them. No matter how hard you try to avoid someone’s calls, they will trace you so quickly like you were some most wanted terrorist and they were the United States

Be-friending mama mboga

In January, people become friendlier to the mama mbogas and anyone else that they rely on for the maintenance of their stomachs. The reason for the unusual friendliness is so as to be accorded with statements such as ‘Chukua tu hizo nyanya utaniletea pesa kesho.”

No-nonsense attitude towards conductors

During normal months, an ordinary Kenyan will even let a fifty shilling balance in the matatu slide. But in January, even five shillings might create a war of Iraqi proportions between the conductor and a passenger. A few days ago, I witnessed a young lady digging her 3 inch nails into the face of a makanga just because he attempted to elude with her ten shillings balance. Or as we like to call it – ‘change’. And she roared like a Tigress in the process, frightening all of us.

Clingy

This is the month where people become parasites and cling to the skins of those who have money. Woe unto you if you are the first born with a good job. Or if you have a lover who earns much less than you. Or even friends who don’t have as much money as you do. They will all be nice to you in ways you can’t understand simply because they want a share of your monetary reservoirs. All your buddies will be hitting you up utoe mpango

Avoiding landlords

Beef with the landlord usually starts in the first week of January. Just when you thought you still had money after the December spending spree, the landlord knocks on your door and takes away the little you had left in the name of rent. As a result, you don’t want to meet this person again because he might stamp you with some more bad news of rent increments or bill ya stima.

Bargains

Almost every good and service is bargained for in January. And the bargaining processes usually take so long you would think it’s an FBI agent negotiating with a kidnapper for the release of hostages. Kenyans ensure they pay the lowest price possible for each item and task done for them

Improving the hustle

This is the time when you see workmates or classmates becoming entrepreneurs. Ladies start selling lipstick, make-up and weaves to their friends. Men become brokers for items and llook for all sorts of weird deals. It’s all good though

Staying indoors more often

This is the month where you find people heading straight home after leaving work. There’s no roaming around and spending shillings here and there. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Prayers

First is the ordinary prayer every Kenyan has, which goes, “Mungu saidia hii mwezi iishe haraka.” Second is the church prayer for heavenly manna and financial deliverance. In January, churches that preach wealth and prosperity are always full with spirited brethren. ‘Mbegus’ are planted in huge sums with the hopes of better returns. That’s just the Kenyan way.