Telling It Like It Is, Without Mincing Words Nor Blinking An Eye: The Cabu Gah Way

First of all let’s agree on this; Cabu Gah is now a newsmaker, hate him or love him, you can’t afford to ignore him  especially when he unleashes his signature posts. He has just released one and for any sober minded person, you might want to take a look at it.

Here you go;

BEFORE inviting people for a bash,better make sure that it is WORTH coming to. Check Your Budget; Food. Drinks. Venue. Music. You had better be prepared. Put aside a good amount of money,buy some real amazing litres of beer,make some real endless acres of food. STOP inviting people to lame bash parties,where the food runs out before 3pm,the beer cant make a toddler drunk and the music is courtesy of your Nokia phone. Be Serious. Stop wasting people’s time!

BEFORE approaching a girl,make sure You REALLY want her. If You dont plan on loving her or being WITH her,then dont show your sorry ass up. Let her remain as she was. If You are going to approach her with your crap,BETTER be prepared to HOLD HER if she FALLS for You.

BEFORE breaking up with someone,Better make sure You really MEAN IT. Its stupid to send them a ‘Lets Break Up’ text at 2pm and then when they AGREE to Your suggestion,You send them a silly ‘I wasnt Serious’ text at 6pm. And start begging them back into your empty life. Have a fucking stand. Dont start a game You cant end. Some people take things QUITE SERIOUSLY. You dare tell them its over and they are gone. Immidiately. Weigh Your cheap words.

BEFORE You IGNORE wearing a CONDOM,Better be sure You are ready to be a father incase Your mannerless semen hooks up with that girl’s poor eggs. You aint ready to be a daddy? Fine. Then SHOVE a condom up that thing. Too many kids everywhere. Too few fathers anywhere. Control Your pleasure. Simple.

BEFORE You go to a club,Better make sure You do have a wallet. And that wallet ACTUALLY is loaded. Showing up to a club with sixteen shillings in your socks IS A SHAME. What Do You want to buy? People’s sweat? If You aint got no money,then save the World the trouble. Stay at home and watch Bull’s Eye. And then CNN later.

BEFORE You tell people how much money you have,who Your Dad Is,or used to be,Where You were brought up,how much cash You blow in a weekend,MAKE SURE THEY ASKED YOU first. No one cares where You schooled or how old You were when you got your first car or whether Your father worked for the Colonial Government. SHUT UP and smile. You should only Brag when You are asked to.

BEFORE You text Your Ex,Make sure that YOU ARE SOBER. Otherwise,No one wants to wake up to a sloppy text that was sent by their drunk Ex at 3.47am in the morning. And the text reads,”I STILL LOVE YOU”…Really? You had to Wake up at 3am to contact me?? Who are You?? A witch??

BEFORE You throw a BIRTHDAY party(Ladies especially),make sure You have FINALLY decided on how old You want to turn. Because for the last 5 years,You’ve been turning 22. Never grow old?? Who are You? Harry Potter??

BEFORE You jump onto a girl like a crippled rabbit and start humping her like a hungry rat and then fall over and start snoring away like a homeless Asian,TAKE YOUR TIME and turn that girl ON first….Lick her ears,tickle her,play with her goodies…drive her crazy first…make her super wet..and then You can jump onto her like a Tunisian City Council official……and pump her for the next 13 years…….

BEFORE You tag someone in your trashy,sleazy photos or add them to your lousy,dysfunctional Groups,Make sure that those people are ACTUALLY interested in being part of those cheesy photos and Good for Nothing groups………

BEFORE You give an opinion,make sure the person You are forcing it to ACTUALLY needs it. Or asked for it. And if they didnt,please SHUT UP and meditate. And If You must open your mouth,then use it to PRAISE God.

BEFORE You text someone,make sure You are Ready to chat with them. Not starting a conversation and when they reply,You text them back again 4 months later. Where were You? In a coma??

BEFORE You invite a pal/pals to a club for a beer,Make sure You have enough money to last the TWO of You or All of You and to even get You home. DONT ask a pal over for a beer and You are struggling with a Ksh.324 budget. Bro,thats NOT beer money. Thats SHUT-UP-AND-WORK-HARDER Money.

BEFORE You drink Yourself silly in a public place,Make sure You are NOT the puking/throwing up type. No one wants to be baptized in a pool of cheap puke from You…made up of the cheapest food ever eaten by mankind! You puke? Then DONT f**king over-drink. Problem solved.

Hey!

Gooday Peoples.