HOLD UP…. THE TEN RAVE COMMANDMENTS? ACCORDING TO WHO????
One of the articles I was immediately drawn to once I started writing for Ghafla was “The Ten Rave Commandments” by my colleague Chimwani Obiajulu. I was of course drawn in by its popularity, so decided to check it out.
Well at first glance with my top notch skimming ability, I discerened this article was anything BUT boring. And I thought it had some pretty neutral tips. No fights, No passing out, no fights with bouncers. UNTIL I read the whole article in depth…. Seemss to ME like our dear uncle Chim Tuna has been clubbing with one too many ratchet ladies to even write a neutral list!!! Even the commandments that started out neutral ended up bashing ladies (ref commandment #2)! By the end of the article it was all out war on all women clubbing in Nairobi.
So, being that Ghafla has FINALLY got some much needed XX onto the writing team, I’d love to show the ladies some love too. And finally show guys what also runs through girls’ minds. Not according to uncle Chim Tuna (whose sanity is still debatable), but straight from the source. Tongue-in-cheek, I am going to write the SAME commandments, from the complete opposite side.
Mmmmmmmm here we go…. *camp mulla voice*
#1 Thou shalt not rave with thy boyfriend!
I can’t say this enough; there is no need to hit the town with your boyfriend. You’re gonna dress AMAZING, and you’re boyfriend will love it AT FIRST. Then you’ll get to the club and he will realise that everyone else loves it too. And for some strange reason this never results in a “Yeah, look at her and weep, cuz thats MY lady” proud moment, but always results in ” WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER? DO YOU KNOW SHE IS MY LADY?” jealous moment. So to avoid such a scenario, let him roll with his boys, and you can paint the town red, guilt free, with your girls!
#2 Thou shalt come dressed to impress
Guys, leave your jeans, your work suits and ties, your brand T-shirts (Tusker, Ghafla), your Steve Hightower trousers and your cargo pants/shorts at home. No one wants to see your ugly fashion! Bring out the straight leg or tapered pants guys, come out looking sexy and grown and branded tees just don’t cut it! Infact if you were trying to rave anywhere other than in Kenya, your branded tees would get you frozen.
#3 Thou shalt not fight
I dont understand this, why do ppl come to fight? I have been around some ladies and had to duck a glass or two. Ladies, who goes out and fights? What are you, a Kenyan guy? NO ONE should fight. Walk away, be the bigger person. Classy people dont fight, trash does.
#4Men, thou shalt buy ye lass/prospective lass drinks
I cannot stress this point out enough. You can’t try to hit on me in a club and expect me to stand there till my throat spontaneously combusts from dryness. If that is your plan, then you sir are what I call TRIFLIN! You are foolish! F2 Jam Session is more up your alley.
#5 Thou shalt not pass out
NEED I REPEAT WHAT HE SAID?
#6 Thou shalt not mwaura
AGAIN, NEED I REPEAT WHAT HE SAID?
#7 Thou shalt not damsel in distress
I believe in being a lady. I believe in being feminine. I however draw the line at being a damsel in distress. Stop starting drama then waiting for your male companion to finish it off for you. Like said before, classy girls do NOT fight. Handle your alcohol. And shame on all you lasses that pull a hold-me-back-from-this-b***h at the expense of everyone elses fun. Especially if everyone else has already started rolling their eyes and acting like you are a total stranger yet you know them VERY WELL.
#8 Thou shalt not hit the club with a jacked up weave/kitambaa
Unfortunately, this irks me as much as it does men. DON’T step up in here with your hair looking like a clay helmet, with a weave that reeks of four week old cigarette stubs, with uzi dreads, with those half-lines/half-weave, half-spikes/half-lines, half-curly/half-straight or any other hybrid hair do-s.
And for the lasses who appear in the club in vitambas, I’m thinking of starting a mass movement where we just yank off those things on the dancefloor in protest. And let it disappear in all the sweaty bodies and moving feet.
#9Thou shalt not fight bouncers
AGREED
#10 Thou shalt ignore the lads
Let’s face it girls, Kenyan guys are the most unappealing waste of time in the world! In the Europe, West Africa, Central Africa, South America anywhere else, the lads are LUSCIOUS. In Kenya however, lads go out to subject the lasses to the Danaidean task of suffering their lame pick ups.
So lasses, ignore these fools! Go out and have a good one with the girls rather than wasting your money on exoensive shoes, outfits and hairdo-s for men who never appreciate your effort and expect a one hour chat after purchasing a single glass of wine.
And just to prove this particular point, listen to the SAME track “Chokoza” by Marya and Avril.
#BOOM #mwanaume ni effort
And lastly, If you are 27 or older, GO OUT!!! You my friend are an independent young person who is better suited for the club scene. Not in daddy’s car, not using pocket money, not in silly undersized clothes, you my friend have reached the perfect age to really enjoy yourself. Treat yourself. Don’t stay home, take trips to party for just the weekend. Close out clubs so those youngins won’t bother you and have a private party for you and your friends. Have a midnight pool party at your apartment block and…. (the rest would be NSFW). Get to a club and purchase drinks by the bottle for you and your crew. Book a flight and go to all the famous world party destinations you’ve wanted to. Avoid those youngin sufferers and go to more high end establishments. You’ve earned it. Enjoy it.
And THAT my friends, is how the cookie crumbles.
