GHAFLA EXPLORES: The SOMA Awards Were Full Of Hot But Freezing Women And Egoistic Men Who Gave The Longest Speeches Ever …..In Summary, Here’s What Went Down

I attended the SOMA Awards held at the Safaricom Indoor Arena on Saturday Night. I was a nominee but I didn’t win. Sad right? Not really. Who cares? Even Rick Ross is a great rich rapper and he has never won sh****t. haha. But that’s just me being a bitter loser. I really wish I had won but there’s always next time.

The SOMA Awards a magnificently louche affair. Because it’s not televised the A-list crowd can all get wrecked, behave very badly and abuse each other in speeches. Chipukeezy for instance decided to distribute his shade to Muthama, Uhuru and Waiguru. Personally there are people I can’t joke about. I love my balls too much.

Unlike the torrent of nauseating, back-slapping award shows where famous humans queue up to pay unctuous tribute to themselves,, SOMA Awards is the one occasion where real people are saluted for outstanding achievements in social media.

Before the ceremony began, I met Jemo Ule Msee a funny, feisty, confident and highly intelligent comedian who has grown to be one of Kenya’s YouTube stars. He was glad to reveal all his future plans and I couldn’t help but laud the guy for his ambition. To him, it’s only a matter of time before he starts getting suffocated with groupies.

A few minutes later, I immersed myself in the red carpet photoshoot session where I almost got blinded by the camera lights. The frenzy was too much so I stepped out and bumped into Xtiandela. The last time we met was at the Social Media Africa awards in Lagos. Despite the fact that we are cool, he couldn’t help but smirk after seeing my fellow Ghafla colleagues. That’s understandable because we’ve published so many bad stories about him. Our company has spent plenty of blogspace branding him a cowardly weasel and berating him ever since he conspired to defraud Bidco.. Our barbaric thirst for scandal and mayhem knows no limits. Unfortunately, that’s just how things have to be done.

Next was a girl called Njeri, a feminist accountant in one of the media houses and hater of my work. I chips fungad her once last year and never called her again. That’s where the whole beef came from. My mistake was extending my hand to greet her. She lost control of both her brain cells and world famous breasts, which constantly threatened to burst out during her chaotic five minute conversation with me. I’ve never had a girl insult me so much in such a short span of time. Luckily, she has a really low voice so no one else heard her obscenities. Even I couldn’t hear what she was saying sometimes.

It wasn’t long before the ceremony started. The rule was to keep all speeches short, something the first guy on the stage promptly ignored. His name was Mr, Nzioka and he kicked off with a rambling anecdote about his government job. He left after realizing how disinterested the audience was in whatever he was saying.

Unfortunately, Ababu Namwamba didn’t get the ‘short speech’ memo either. He unleashed such a complicated Luther-ish speech you could think the elections were happening the next day.

Babu Owino stole the show. I had already left the arena to chill outside and hit on some girl when he was presented with his ‘Most Social Student Leader award but I heard thatas a show of might, he took his time on the stage. You can never really gag a politician. He exited the building with his entourage and sped off with in his three car convoy while I was outside listening to Jalango’s stories.I must say the guy knows how to show off.

All in all it was a great event. I just wish the organizers would give winners money or presents in future, Honestly, man cannot live on trophy alone.