CABU GAH DIARIES: Yesterday,An Angry Man Drew A Gun And Wanted To Shoot Shaniqua…But What Happened Next Will Shock You (PHOTOS)
When you invade the expansive farm of a wealthy, aristocratic tycoon,anything can happen. I mean,he’s wealthy. And he’s a tycoon. You seriously DO NOT want to mess with him….
Well,yesterday,KTN’s biggest television star,Shaniqua was busy filming ‘her’ regular,antic-filled,drama-
Accompanying Shaniqua for the shoot,was a battalion of over 10 people who,too,had other skits to film,besides supporting and directing Shaniqua on ‘her’ own. I was among the crew…
We landed at the farm some minutes past 4pm…And,work started immediately.
The producers had chosen the location because of its natural ambiance; the sandy soil,hilly background, denudated earth,bushy thickets and meandering roads…It was a deathly silent location…with not a single sign of life…no noise…no people …nothing. Grave silence…
Work began immediately… And 2 hours down the line,it was time to wrap up,undo the make-up,disrobe,gather the filming equipments and head to the van…
And as we were walking to the van,a whole ten of us,we saw a white pick-up hurtling down the road…
And given the nature of the area,the pick-up was blowing up quite a storm of billowing white sand in its wild whirl.
We were all already seated in our white van…all except one person…former Vioja Mahakamani actor Olexander Josphat,also a reputable KTN actor.
The pick-up stopped tight next to our van…and,at the driver seat,we saw an elderly man…His head had a white mash of hair and his face was as no-nonsense as you would expect.
He pulled out a cigarette,lit it and smoked on it…Hard. He then turned off his engine and,dramatically, stepped off his pick-up. Raving mad.
We watched him…in trepidation.
Its around 6.30pm now…And we are in a thick,dark desert …with ruined roads,eerie thickets and a ghostly giant hill hovering over us.
“Nyinyi ni nani and what are You doing on my farm?” He shot at us.
Our terrified van driver attempted to mumble something….
“This IS my farm! Who are You!? Nimwambiwa kuna watu kwa boma yangu!? Who are You?!”
Deathly silence…
The van driver,again,attempted to explain away who we were and why we had invaded his farm…unannounced. Shaniqua,trying to save the escalating situation, stepped in too. With what he thought was an apt explanation…
Mzee wasn’t amused. And at that point,he flicked out his flickering cigarette, flipped it to the ground and,suspensefully,reached towards his right side of his trousers and,all of a sudden,drew a CZ 75 Compact pistol.
Things got thick. Real fast….
I was seated next to Kalasha nominee Edna Nguku a.k.a Zena,an actress on KTN’s popular drama Gavana and I could hear her breathing get heavier…
Edna Nguku a.k.a Zena of KTN’s Gavana.
But before tempers flared and shots rang out,a savior appeared….in the form of former Vioja Mahakamani actor,the legendary Olexander Josphat.
He had been left behind for a while…And then he appeared from the bushes…his traditional Masai regalia typically thrown around his burly body…
“Aaaaaaah!!! Masai! Unafanya nini huku wewe!?” Mzee asked Olexander Josphat.
“Aaaaah! Mzee! Tuliamua kukutembelea bana! Habari yako!?”
Tension was diffused. Sighs of relief rent the air. We had been saved….Our hearts pounded less hard now…
We sat in the van as the two exchanged pleasantries… They leaned against Mzee’s pick-up as Mzee safely tucked away his pistol…bracing for a hearty talk.
And after the two talked for close to 10 minutes,I heard Mzee say,
“Aaaahyaaa….Ingieni kwangu basi mkunywe kitu….”
We all looked at one another ….
“Lakini hiyo masaa si ni mbaya Mzee…” Olexander Josphat said.
“No….si ni saa moja!? Ni mapema…hakuna wasiwasi…leta wageni wako kwa boma yangu…wakapewe kitu….”
I protested. And said that it was late. And that we couldn’t just show up at some strange pistol-owning guy’s place. Just like that.
“Lakini si wanajuana na Olexander….” One crew member offered. “Ni mabeshte…twendeni..”
And after a little five minute mental tussle,we ALL unanimously agreed to follow the man to his home.
My,Oh,My! It was a home made in heaven…a Paradise of Paradises. An abode for the Kings …
The gate was huge and imposing…with white, sturdy pillars sticking out and standing as firm as the Babylonian empire towers. And as we drove into the expansive compound, I saw close to ten cars parked across the sprawling estate.
The Mzee,who had been driving infront of us right into his home,stepped off his pick-up and,walking over to our van,stretched his hand towards an empty parking spot saying,”Wekeni gari yenu hapa … “
We parked. And,curiously, stepped off the van…
“Karibuni kwangu …Mimi naitwa (Name withheld) na hapa ndio boma yangu….Kujeni …Come,sit down…” Mzee said to us,effacing his earlier menacing demeanor.
We walked up a flight of stairs that led us to his spacious,airy front yard. There were antique,wooden chairs arranged beautifully across the front yard. …chairs made of expensive wood and rare materials. Wide,sweeping chairs…reclining chairs,swinging chairs…all manner of exotic chairs…
“Feel at home…Kaeni…Funguo zinaletwa….”
We sank into the comfy seats…..and waited for further instructions.
And while some of us sat,others questioned who really this man was…
“Labda huyu jamaa ametuleta huku halafu atuue man! Walai mi Niko na wasiwasi….huku ni wapi sasa walai…” One of our crew members wondered. But it was all in humor. And we all burst out laughing…
And while we took photos awaiting further orders,we saw a lanky errands boy running over to Mzee…He then handed a bunch of clinging keys to Mzee. And whiffled away.
Mzee,after opening the imposing front door,extended his hand inside saying,,”Karibuni kwangu….You can go in now….”
We all stood up as if on cue. And Lord,oh,Lord….What we beheld knocked us off.
Everything looked opulent from the gleaming wood floors covered in lush Persian rugs to the sheer curtains billowing like mist on the walls,to the ceiling windows that faced a slope and then a sunset. The furniture were old but had a story to tell, so they had to be antiques with
what looked like handcarved workmanship. Each area of the room melting into the beauty of the next with some delicate settees next to heavy bookcases and fireplaces that matted with the walls.
To the far left,a 50″ flat screen plasma TV could be seen tastefully perched on the marble walls..and to the far right,across the sweeping living room,I saw a bar…packed with all and every drink you could ever wish to imbibe.
A huge chandelier hang from the gleaming ceiling from which light was thrown across the room…A huge fridge stood across the room and in it,all brand of sodas and beer cans were tightly packed.
From where I stood,I could see Smirnoff ‘mzinga’ bottles,Viceroy,Flirt Vodkas,Jameson bottles,Macallans,Chival Regals,a Highland Park scotch,a billion-litre Red Label,Southern Comforts,some Baileys,Luxardo sambuca creams and even cheaper brands like a bluemoon,a Kenya Cane and endless supplies of local whiskeys.
“If You’re not a millionaire by 40,You will never be one!” Mzee proudly announced,pouring an expensive drink into his glass.
“Feel at home… Serve yourselves…grab anything… The bar is open…” Mzee added.
Thirsty,we descended on the bar,albeit cautiously,bottle after bottle….and took it all outside…for a evening of unbridled boozed-up pleasure.
“Oh,my lady…I’m sorry …You’re using the wrong glass..Lemmi help You out” Mzee said to the only lady in our group,Zena.
And,three minutes later,Mzee emerged with a glittering Swarovski glass and poured some Saint Brendan’s Irish cream for her….like a gentleman.
We all gathered outside…and,in between drinks and bitings,engaged the Mzee in numerous questions.
He told us that he joined the army over thirty years ago and that he had there wives and 28 children. The eldest of the children is forty. And the youngest is eighteen.
“I will invite You officially now…and because I can see you are almost all men,I will also organize 2,000 girls for You…from down here…”
We all applauded and laughed amid photo-sessions and glass clinking.
Noise went on…drinking went on…and cheers raved on…
It was getting late…but no one was in a hurry…except,of course,the camera men…
He talked on…and on…
“The biggest crime You can commit here is to leave ANY bottle of liquor unattended to…or half-full…Mumalize yote!”
We cheered.
“How big is your estate?” Someone asked…
“Well,its small. I have the smallest farm here…just around 9,000 acres…”
“Nine thousand!!?!? You call that small?!?” I wondered.
“But of course!! My neighbor here …the late General Mulinge has 28 thousand acres!!”
Wow!
We talked on…took more photos..drowned more bottles…
“Oh,this is an amazing place you stay in…So where is Your family?? Don’t they live here??”
“No,this is MY guest house…Only I come here…No one else..Not even the wives…My real house is a kilometer down the road…this is my private guest house…Ya watu kama nyinyi….”Mzee answered as he brought out a packet of Tusker cans.
“Mimi nimeishi kualika huyu rafiki yangu anitembelee na hadi leo hajawahi kuja…I am glad leo amefika kwa boma yangu,…Finally!” Mzee said referring to Olexander Josphat.
Olexander laughed…apologizing profusely for all those failed invitations,citing his busy schedule.
Shaniqua then got up..and,bouyed by a couple Benjamin Prichard’s whiskey tots,delivered an impromptu hilarious performance that floored the whole room…and that send Mzee gasping for air..
“Mheshimiwa,kuna Ice? Is there Ice?” some fellow asked,tottering towards the lush Sierra Carmel mahogany door…
“Ice iko! Hata hamuwezi maliza…go fetch it in the fridge…”
“Scotch on the rocks,Baby!” Shaniqua hollered…..
Night was getting deeper…And deeper…Noise was getting louder and louder…Mzee was getting more loquacious..As was everybody else…
“I have a 5-litre Red Label Johnnie Walker here! Mko tayari?? Ama mumewezwa tayari!??” Mzee announced,heaving the imposing super whiskey in the air…
I don’t remember what happened next. I am surprised I am even alive to write this article…
Am I in Nairobi yet??
BEST.NIGHT.EVER!
