Dear Davido, No Sooner Had Your Show Started Than It Ended…..It Was Simply The WORST Gig I Have Ever Attended. And For That Reason I Want My 3K Back.

Wewe Davido unakuanga na mchezo sana. Mboss wee. Sasa hiyo ni mdharau gani ulituonyesha? How do you perform for a mere 25 minutes then leave the stage?

What was the rush for? Was Vera Sidika waiting for you in your hotel room? Ama ulikula mtura pale Nairobi West tumbo ikaanza kukusumbua? I personally, thought you had gone to pee or something before being the grave that it was over. Just like that. It’s no surprise that this has sparked a furore of outrage from your Kenyan fans.

I clearly recall the deliciously long silence that followed as the full horror of your dismall cameo appearance dawned. You vanished to the backstage, at which point we all collapsed into curled up balls of disappointment moaning, “No,no,no,no.” It was sad. More sad when I watched the half-dressed ladies trying to maneuver their way through the muddy carnivore grounds in high heels after a less than satisfactory gig. Kindly, tell us what was wrong because there’s a whole bunch of disappointed Kenyans out there. In the words of Elani, “Kwani ni wapi tulikosea, tukaachwa mataa?”

In all honesty, that was the worst gig I’ve ever seen. I remember back in primary school, my English teacher taught me about the idiom ‘No sooner….than.’ She asked me to give an example where it could be applied and I couldn’t think of one. My brain was tired, waiting for break time. So she pinched me. I wish she could ask me the same question now, because I could easily say, “No sooner had Davido began performing than the show ended.”

Ticket prices were inflated yet the show yet it turned out to be nothing but a taste- a bitter taste. Like when a girl allows you kuingiza kichwa tu. I couldn’t even manage to count the number of ladies who braved the extremely cold weather in tight short skirts so that they could look good. In the end, they were left scratching their weaves in disappointment. The palpable frisson of disgust on their faces made me want to weep for them. Their freeze and shine policy just didn’t pay off. They too deserve compensation

It was 1:25 when you showed up on stage, The screams were deafening. We were tired of waiting already. Right next to me was a thirty year old woman, literally screaming her lungs out for you – a mere 22 year old Nigerian boy.

But then you emerged with a whole bunch of people we didn’t know. They all looked like you. . They were like your clones. They were all singing. I couldn’t tell who was Davido and who wasn’t. For a moment, I thought I was watching the series, Orphan Black. I’ve never seen such a crowded stage in my life. I mean, you couldn’t just perform alone?

I understand that you had lost your voice a day prior to the show and maybe that’s why you sounded like an ICC witness. But damn. Your performance didn’t have to be that short. As one Twitter user put it, your performance was only as long as two Franco songs. Or one Ohangala jam.

Initially, there was a lot of air-bruising with so many fists being pumped, The audience was charged up. There were endless screams and squeals. Everyone knew it was going to be huge. But then the songs were never enough, not strong in my book, faceless, facile; walking with a limp – and I was reminded of all that is wrong with trend-chasing clichés masquerading as African hooks. Those songs, utterly unmemorable as compositions, breathtakingly awful in their absurdity and poorly served. Slowly, the crowd transformed from enthusiastic to less than enthusiastic

I don’t doubt your energy Mr. Davido. I am more of a Wizkid fan but I admit your energy is more intense and your passion is greater than his. But when it comes to overall delivery, he beats you by far. Yours is a case of winning the battle but losing the war. In fact, the crowd was more psyched up whne the deejays played Wizkid songs than when you were performing.

There are many things you could have done to extend your performance. Maybe you should have brought two female fans on stage and danced with them 10 minutes. Then you could have told your fans an interesting story about your life for another 10 minutes. Then for some of your biggest hits like Skelewu and Gobe, you could have asked fans if they needed you to repeat . It’s what we and the Jamaicans call ‘Rewind and come back selekta. That could have taken another 15 minutes. 15 + 10 + 10 =35. Add 35 to the 26 minutes you performed and we get an hour. Simple math, That wouldn’t have been such a bad concert would it?

What about the curtain raisers? Can’t we get other artistes apart from MDQ and Fena? The latter showed up dressed like a chef as usual and the former has become too much. In as much as you aren’t to blame for that, you should shoulder the lion’s share of responsibility. being one of Africa’s biggest artistes, you should demand for better curtain raisers for your shows. It’s what we call diva demands. All successful artistes have them. I am sure you’ve never even heard of Muthoni Drummer queen and Fena. All of us who attended the show can agree that the only pleasant acts were Dj Crème and Dj Hypnotica. They were too good that they even blew the speakers. Everyone else was a waste of time. Seems like this was just a giant party with a mandate to make money and not necessarily provide quality entertainment.

And because of all this Davido, I now view you with derision, not envy. I heard that your phone was stolen later on. Even better. See how the gods are punishing you for bringing mediocre to us awesome Kenyans? No wonder most of my workmates didn’t even bother attend the show. It seems like they have ‘disaster forecasting’ powers. They can smell a flopped show before it even happens.

In conclusion, You Davido are culpable of sloppiness and for that reason I want my money back. na sio tafadhali