Dear Huddah Monroe, Sit Down And Shut Up, You Are Dumb And Your Fundamentals Aren’t Even Juicy Enough

Today I am getting pinched by the necessity of launching into an impassioned and scathing critique of you. I need to start this letter by informing you of my incessant, relentless distaste for everything Huddah-related. I know you’re incapable of reading and comprehending a message longer than 140 characters, so I hope someone is near you to read this to you. 

You keep broadcasting your stupidity on the internet and we happen to be the unfortunate recipients by default. I won’t even delve into your tweef with a certain irrelevant Capital FM producer who suckles on beer bottles the way a baby suckles on her mama’s titties. You’ve made a fool out of yourself many times but I am not going to hammer statistics into you, as I’m sure numbers are a very intimidating concept to you

What’s wrong with you? I fail to understand what’s so special about you. To this date, I still fail to understand why people even give you the attention. Oh…you are famous because you post pictures of yourself soaking Vitamin D somewhere in Dubai after orgies with multi-millionaires? You are famous because you’ve been oiled up, stripped, Photoshopped, and plastered all over the internet for the entire world to see? How awesome. Let’s all clap for Huddah fellas.

There are many mysteries in the world, from the Bermuda triangle, to conspiracy theories surrounding Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 or how the Pyramids of Egypt came about. What puzzles me the most, is how a foul-mouthed, ill-mannered talentless Kenyan girl called Njoroge becomes famous ‘.

There are many girls out there who are as beautiful as you or even more prettier. The difference between them and you is that they are decent and you are not. Have you googled the world intelligence recently? Do you even know what Google is? It’s this technology thing that people use to find information on topics they find amusing. You get it right? Or do you need a classroom for that?

When did we start worshipping traders of the flesh? Why would someone even pay to have sex with you when they can do so with a more humble clone of you from Karatina for free? Bad mathematics.

You said every girl should have a sponsor (an old rich man to shower her with money) but just admit it Huddah, you are who you are because you are lazy. You are too scared to step off the conveyor belt of conformity and actually work hard. The things you do for those sponsors, we know very well. Is it worth it to clinch old wrinkled cocks just to pocket a few millions? Is that a life worth living? The things you do are uncalled for and overly raunchy

You boasted how your exes were unlucky to have lost you. I tend to think the contrary. I would never sleep with you even if we were both sentenced to life in prison and locked in the same cell. And If I ever accidentally slept with you, I’d shower for three days non-stop then get baptized just to make sure my sins are washed away.

Body image is a major issue among young girls, and you are perpetuating it with altered versions of yourself everywhere. You make young girls so uncomfortable in their bodies. You are the reason many females are living on a diet of water and squats. You’re also perpetuating the idea that women cannot be talented and intelligent. Our daughters don’t even want to be doctors and lawyers anymore. They just want to grow booties and post them up on IG for likes. Thanks to role models from hell like you. You’re a beautiful idiot, and that’s by choice. Your fundamentals aren’t even juicy enough by the way. Your nyonyos look like tennis balls and your behind looks like two gourds placed together.

I am extremely concerned for you that those around you have led you to believe, or encouraged you in your own belief, that it is in any way ‘cool’ to be hawking your punani around the world. One day you’ll get old and no one will want it anymore. It’ll become dry, dusty. Spiders will build cobwebs in it and roaches will roam.  

None of the men ogling you and liking your photos give a shit about you either, do not be fooled. Many’s the woman mistook lust for admiration. If they want you sexually that doesn’t mean they give a damn about you. All the more true when you unwittingly give the impression you don’t give much of a damn about yourself.

You are not a wise bichacho Huddah. Even though I think you’re a try-hard with dumb tattoos, terrible haircuts, and even worse fashion choices, I think you should have enough self-esteem to know you are going down a dangerous path. One day the attention trail will go cold and we’ll see if the oil tycoons and Arabian money-men will even remember who you were.

Anyway all the best……