“Every Woman I Kissed Sexually Left Me Feeling Wrong and Dirty” Binyavanga Wainaina

Ever since he came out to the world at the beginning of last year, Binyavanga has been dubbed one of the most courageous and most influential homosexuals in Africa.

His bold outfits and even bolder declarations have made headlines all over the world,Ever since he came out to the world at the beginning of last year, Binyavanga has been dubbed one of the most courageous and most influential homosexuals in Africa. His bold outfits and even bolder declarations have made headlines all over the world,

But as he pours his heart out on a Facebook post, one can tell that things have not always been rosy. He talks about struggling with asexuality, love and heterosexuality until an unlikely event happened and it changed his life forever:

This is what he writes:

  In my 20s, I wanted to be assexual. I let my body grow very fat (safe from desire). I become the group rustic – big dreads to hide under, oversize clothes, never shave, a story of huggable bear who never lets anybody close. I decided to love groups, buddies, cliques. Like many queers, become the class clown. Nobody asks you who u are with. U make sure they have no reason to ask you. You put out the vibe that u are beyond sex and loving. U are available to advise everybody. U are a public person, in your room you wank a lot. Alone. I did the work diligently of guiding everybody to not see me as a sexual person a person needing love. I was the highest defender of all closets. I made all those who love me expect little of me. I expected very little of me. It nearly destroyed me. I buried a friend who died of shame ..I would have expired the same way, slowly degraded again and again. Until I was thirty I really thought kisses were dirty. Every women I kissed sexually left me feeling wrong and dirty. So, I told myself sex itself is bad. It was a male escort who kissed me and made me feel I deserved to tingle from a kiss. Imagine that. A French Canadian man in Montreal. Imagine that. Fucker saved my life.