FINALLY!!: Kenya’s Hip Hop King Khaligraph Jones Meets Kanye West (Wapi Octopizzo Sasa?)

It’s a cold afternoon in New York City and Kenyan rapper Khaligraph Jones is seated on a couch at the headquarters of G.O.O.D Music Entertainment. He’s been close to two hours now and he’s been waiting patiently to meet the CEO, the legendary Kanye West, better known as Yeezus. He’s been informed by Kanye’s ‘bootyful’ personal assistant Sasha that the rapper will see him after he’s done with his current meeting.

Meanwhile, the security guards have been looking at him funny. They still don’t understand what this gigantic African is doing here. His huge physique matches theirs. They wonder how they’ll handle him if he decides to be unruly.

That doesn’t bother ‘Mr Embesha’ though. For everyone who ever dismissed him as a perennially lost, overly beefy , creatively maniac malfunctioning rapper, his recent accomplishments might make them want to re-evaluate that appraisal.

After 30 more minutes, the gold-plated door of Kanye’s office swings open and out comes Kim Kardashian. Behind her is the great Kanye West, pulling up the zip of his Georgio Armani trousers before adjusting the buttons of his red, plaid shirt. It’s obvious; they are fresh from having a quickie. How awesome. Khaligraph Jones, the papa don has been made to wait for that long because Kanye and Kim were having a quickie.

Two hours is a quickie for Kanye. Prior to this, he has been heard boasting that on a good day he shags for eight hours straight. Or better yet, he can shag all day…..all day. Blogs in New York claim that while he was still with Amber Rose, he once shagged her until she passed out. Now you understand why he has labeled himself a god.

So Kim walks away and Kanye shouts ‘Bye baby, see you later tonight.’ Khaligraph can’t help but stare at the shimmering derriere of the reality TV goddess as she vanishes through the corridor. He turns back his head only to see Kanye looking at him with a stern face. Khali smiles and stretches out a muscled arm to greet the ‘Jesus Walks’ creator but the controversial American rapper keeps his hands in his pockets. He doesn’t say a word either. Tension thrives

After examining the Kenyan rapper from head to toe with that smirk still on his face, Kanye walks back to his office and ushers ‘Mr Embesha’ in with a finger signal. The Kenyan rapper is now trembling. He hasn’t trembled for a long time in his life. All his life, he has known no fear. He grew up in Kayole goddamnit. Who would he fear? He has never feared thugs nor the police. He has never feared Octopizzo or haters. Narrators of urban tales claim he once beat up five guys who were trying to rob him off his brand new sneakers.

So Khaligraph has never feared anyone, but now fear is chocking him tighter than the Big Show’s grip. He isn’t sure how this meeting with Mr. West will turn out. His life depends on it. His stardom depends on it. Not many rappers get to sit in the same room with Kanye. And here he is. It’s always been a dream for him. He rapped about dreams of doing business with Kanye in one of his recent tracks. Now the dream is realer than Huddah’s love stories. But it feels more like a nightmare

“Are you shaking dawg?” Kanye asks

“No man, I’m cool” Khaligraph replies with his mysterious American accent. This time, his accent is so intense that Kanye looks at him with that ‘nigga be trippin’ stare

“Take a seat”, Mr. West orders

The controversial rapper then walks over to a nearby cabinet. He opens a safe and pulls out a bottle of Ciroc, together with two shiny glasses. He pops open the bottle and proceeds to pour half a glass on each. There’s a problem though. Khaligraph is a teetotaler. He has never sipped alcohol in his life. Kanye didn’t care to ask. Should Khali turn away the drink? Oh no he can’t. No one ever says no to Kanye. That’s the warning the limo driver gave Khali when he alighted outside Kanye’s office. Jay Z’s BFF doesn’t take no for an answer. Reluctantly, Khaligraph decides to accept the drink. He’s going to drink for the first time in his life. As Kanye passes on the liquor-filled glass to him, his hands are still shaking.

Khali is scared, although neither the clash of principles nor the affinity of personalities portrayed here offers any surprises to him. The introductory banter between the two men, as Kanye probes for weaknesses, is amiably provoking. To every tough question Kanye asks, Khaligraph responds with a passionate defense of his incremental talent. The Ciroc is now beginning to kick in his system and a surge in courage is imminent.

Out of nowhere, the man form Kayole begins spewing out compliments about Kanye’s albums. The G.O.O.D music executive smiles as he is bombarded with congratulatory statements about his glorious contribution to the world. His smile grows wider and wider. That’s how you talk to Knaye –feed his ego. Feed it more

As the meeting comes to a close, Khali asks Kanye for a photo and he’s happily surprised when Yeezus immediately replies with a nonchalant, “Yeah, take it.” Without hesitation, Khali whip[s out his HTC phone. Kanye interrupts .

“Wait, imma let you continue but you need to get yourself a Samsung Galaxy or something dope dawg. Put that back in your pocket. You can use my phone instead”

So the two take a couple of pics that are bound blow African blogs to Baghdadish pieces before Kanye concludes with, “I don’t smile in pictures.”

A contract is signed. A meeting is scheduled for the next day, where Khali will be officially unveiled as G.O.O.D music’s latest rookie. Kanye has been impressed with the tipsy Khaligraph more than the shaky sober one. The Ciroc did him good after all

Minutes later, Khaligraph is standing outside the elevator, patiently waiting for it to arrive from the ground floor of the fourteen story building. Meanwhile, he’s busy trying to log In to Instagram and Twitter to post the big news and mock Octopizzo a little. The elevator opens and who pops out? The baby-faced pop princess Ariana Grande . In a maniacal fit of rage, she asks

“Have you seen Big Sean. Is he in there?”

“No I haven’t seen him ma’am” Khaligraph stammers. He’s star struck. He then adds, “My name is Khaligraph Jones, I am a …….. “. The 21 year old star cuts him short with an outcry

“That stupid nigga Big Sean left me with herpes.”

Angrily she whizzes past past the unknown African (Khaligraph) and on to Kanye’s office

What a day for the Kayole-bred rapper. They said he couldn’t make it, now he’s here. Woo Hoo. The Don Dada

See Also: Etemesi’s Tales | The Night I Slept With Njoki Chege