GHAFLA EXPLORES: How I Plan To Spend My Valentine’s Day Like A Boss At Villa Rosa Kempinski,.. Where A Room Goes For Sh 2.3 Million A Night

Yes, you heard that right. I know what you are thinking. I must be crazy. Well, you can call me nugu all you want but it is what it is. Just In case you didn’t hear me well then let me repeat. Etemesi is going to spend Valentine’s Day at Kenya’s most expensive lodge – The Villa Rosa Kempinski. You can take a moment and allow that to sink in. Breathe in and breathe out.

Who could have thought it would ever happen? Who could have thought that me, a humble Luhya who loves ugali mzito and chicken could spend love’s golden day in a suite fit for the Duke of Yorkshire? In a bathtub that can fit two Rick Rosses and a bed that can accommodate King Solomon with all his concubines. If I am not the luckiest guy on earth, then tell me who is.

Here is exactly how I am planning to spend the big day

Shuma lazima ilale ndani

Lazima. I mean, that’s obvious isn’t it? I’m still debating on whether to take Njeri, the talkative chic from Embakasi or the shy girl Karen, the chic who shares a name with the mtaa in which she lives. Or maybe I should take AKinyi, she’s always been loyal to me. But I’m pretty sure that I can get a foursome with Huddah, Vera and Corazon if I mention 2.3 million. All in all, it’ll come down to who’s the most obedient. The lucky lady to accompany me will have to be the most loyal. The chic who’ll be willing to say “Yes Papa” when I say “Come here darling.” But the point is, shuma lazima ilale ndani

Tuselfie

Of course I have to take selfies and videos for that matter. I have to post them all on Instagram and Facebook so that all those people who thought I would never amount to something can see. I have to put my life in their faces so that they can feel a waru in their throats. And in all those photos I’ll be wearing an evil laugh on my face, clutching on a vast tumbler of whisky and puffing on a cigar from Havanna Cuba. I’ll be laughing the way mafia don John Goti used to laugh before sticking his victims’ heads into vats of sulphuric acid.

This is a moment that should be well documented. It’s a moment for the history books. A moment for G.H.C, social studies and literature. A moment that will be incorporated into tales for my grandchildren years from now

Collect souvenirs

As a typical Kenyan, I have to take souvenirs. I have to carry all the soaps and lotions from the hotel room when I check out of my room. I’ll take everything including the watchman’s number. You can call it ‘sufficient utilization of resources’ or ‘collection of artifacts.’

So ladies and gentlemen, this is the point where I come back to reality. This is the point where I stop playing with you all. Thank you for taking a ride in my fantasy trip. Unless I do a harambee or sell illegal copies of Fifty Shades of Gray, there’s no way I am going to Kempinsky. This is just my ‘suffere’s dream.’ But I’ll still pass by Mama Shiro’s place and buy fries for one of my admirers. Then we’ll go to my place and watch two episodes of Banshee and that’s it. Romance ni wewe na watu wenyu.