Pulse Writer Smitta Smitten Tears Into Brenda Wairimu, Marya And Other Female Celebrities!

Pulse’s Smitta Smitten has been set loose and like a dog with a bone, there is no relenting!

This time he’s been set loose on kenya’s top female celebrities such as Marya, Brenda Wairimu, Avril and socialite Huddah Monroe. And in what starts off as an almost innocuous piece, he begins by discussing a recent survey that looked into Kenyan women’s sexual habits in regards to safe sex.

And that bit of the article was brilliant by my humble estimates because he found a way top touch on a sensitive near taboo topic and make it cool… Then he degenerated. He begun to discuss female celebrity figures and sex lives and other trivial subject matters best left to idle yobs jamming in their estates discussing every lass that passes.

Here’s what he said about each of the ladies:

Marya

“Marya just gone <got> thrown out of Kits <Kitisuru> (rumour has it, nothing confirmed) by some cheddared chuda she was allegedly swinging lungulaz to and landed back in our hood of “B” like an asteroid crashin to earth to wipe dinasours. Blah blah blah… <boring bits> …But like a pick up truck on mawes, she’s just gotten bigger n now kaas like she lies back on her haunches and sez lazily “Sawa!”

So basically this yob is enjoying her personal problems and seeing her go through strife on the personal front and like a mean 13yr old girl, he’s laughing at the fact that she is reportedly gaining weight. Yep, this right here is just how deep the article got… You’d think right? Nay, he sunk lower… Kenyan Post would be proud of today’s article!

Pendo

If you don’t know Pendo by now, then you live under a rock and you have a slug for a neighbour… kind of like an African version of Spongebob Squarepants. Pendo is the lass who was embroiled in a scandal just a few weeks ago that was created and amplified by the Facebook page “Nairobi Exposed” which dolls out sewer effluent by the litres! Anyway, after going in on a rather funny Arsenal rant, he dismissed her by saying thus, “Pendo bado hajaiva. Kidogo naona ni mjuaji.” Oh, i forgot, that was how he closed, his first missive was “Pendo yuko na sura ya… Kwetu ushago.”

Straight up, everyone just needs to leave this lass alone. I have seen the toll the rumours about her and Willy Paul have taken on her and seriously, it’s not funny. This is an innocent girl that someone decided out of sheer malice and a soul that only Beelzebub would be proud of decided to slander. The Willy Paul and Pendo story is as fake as a 300/- shilling note! Leave the scum on Nairobi Exposed to the milk maids too stupid to discern between bull*defecate* and cow teats!

Brenda Wairimu

This was by far the creepiest part of his piece. He more or less fantasized about her… Exhibitionist much? And i’m honestly left wondering why he keeps going after Brenda who is an awesome person. Last time he called her Jezebel and Delilah in one breathe and today he says and i quote, “But i spekt tis like one of those action flicks Shirley Genge writes about, “The visuals were stunning but the achshun was no <ho> hum””.

Avril

Here he brought up Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton ill fated Airforce 1 flight in the Oval Office and alluded it to Avril. Then he started again with the sexual references, “So I think Avriliski is like super freakie, like you can duo wit her on a wimbo dat go ” “Menage a trois ma repertoire!”…“

Uhm… I highly doubt any woman let alone Avril wants to be compared to Monica Lewinsky… Then again, what do i know, i’m just a bothersome blogger!

Huddah Monroe

This was by far the worst of them all… Well, it was atleast a tie between her and Marya. he didn’t even deign it fit to mention her name directly but rather to compare her to Size 8 then tear at her. Here’s what he said, “if dat not Size 8 then “who dat who dat?” Certainly not Huddah, the socialite who just coz ya a hood-rat on the loose don’t mean you got the motion sis.“

Ouch! I don’t know Huddah but even i felt the zinger on that one! And this is now beginning to sound like the tale of a spurned lover lashing out from behind a laptop screen then sending the insulting piece to print! Tony Mochama, that would mean that you and alot of the bloggers you hit out at as bothersome have alot in common!

Smitta, now your dede Chim Tuna has a word of advice, sit on this here my lap-o and hold am ears goodo goodo so you hear, “Nibling, get off the creepy sex offender tip. Fantasizing about what sex would be like with a lass in public puts you in the sexual slug category! Bleurgh! You are too smart to be a creep!”