REVEALED: Introducing Your Favorite Kenyan Celebrities’ Ex-Boyfriends That They Never Wanted You To See (PHOTOS)

After releasing the list of the ex-girlfriends that some male Kenyan Celebrities never wanted you to see,now,today,I introduce to you some Ex-Boyfriends that some of yurt favorite female celebrities once dated…But,until now,they’ve been hidden from the public. The ruthless public.

As we grow up,we meet different people…some are sweet,some are nice,some are opportunists ,some are downright stupid while some others,well,we date. And bonk. Hard.

And as some of these popular Kenyan Girls grew up…Before the fame and the money and the Awards and whatever else they gathered on their way to the top,they had some tu-boyfriends. Real shady boyfriends…who looked alot like a rainy evening. Or a broken down Toyota.

To open up the list today is yo girl…the singer,Radio host,TV host and ummm,business lady,Kalekye Mumo

KALEKYE MUMO

Stephen Mutisya

Kalekye is that big mama who hosts that Big Breakfast show on that not-so-big Radio station Kiss FM. Alongside serial alcoholic,Shaffie Weru. Now,before Kalekye was the renown radio host she is today…Kalekye was just another ka-girl growing up in the valleys of Kitui. She was real skinny then. And real unsure of what she wanted in life. Or WHO she wanted.

And that’s how she ended up with this jamaa called Stephen Mutisya Kioko. Stephen used to run a Kinyozi at some corner in Kitui town. And Kalekye and Stephen would spend hundreds of hours at his Kinyozi….listening to reggae music and watching him shave local boys for as little as Ksh.17 per head.

The love blossomed…And to show her how he loved her,Mutisya would even shave Kalekye…Just for fun. And then she’d end up looking like 14 bald eagles on Mount Everest. Love grew stronger everyday…And Mutisya even expended his business to include a massage parlor. Haha…

He’d massage Wamama wa Kitui so much so that Kalekye started growing jealous…The massage sessions would take hours…And the Wamama would emerge from the tiny,dark massage ka-room all sweaty and happy. Kalekye said,”No Way! Ni nalea!” Which is Kamba for,”No Way! Nimekataa!”

Kalekye was right…Mutisya was NOT just massaging these Wamamas..He was also servicing them…And giving them dawa ya jioni. Hence the sweat. And wetnesss.

Kalekye then broke up with this horny Wamama-eating Mutisya Mboy. And left Kitui for good. She briefly dated a witchdoctor before dumping him too for cheating on her with an evil spirit,too.

Today,Kalekye is a famous Radio Host while Mutisya is now the father of 14 kids…six of whom were conceived in the tiny,dark massage parlour. Bailando!

MARYA

Said Suleiman.

Before Marya was this husband-snatching fat ass,she was some little innocent ka-muslim girl growing up like all innocent tu-muslim girls. Wayyyy before launching her career-which wrecked in 13 minutes-and dating rapper-turned-model Mustapha,Marya was in love,too. With this kijana called Said Suleiman.

Said was much older than Marya…Lakini,mapenzi bado yalinoga. They dated for 3 years and it was all fun…Atleast he wasn’t married. And at least there was no Instagram then. Love blossomed for years,Dude took her to many Islamic dance nights,and Marya,in turn,alimpa kumpa.

Trouble started when Osama Bin Laden started becoming popular. And hats when Said stared following Osama’s teachings. And boy,did he follow them…

He started ignoring poor Marya..And would spend all his days researching on this Osama fellow…He fell in love with Osama so much so that,for a minute,he almost succeeded in recruiting Marya to his terror Group. Marya alikataa. And then they broke up.

He formed his own terror network Al-Kaboom! But for lack of funding,sponsorship,proper management and weapons,it went nowhere.

He dissolved it…And went looking for Marya who had by now moved to Nairobi to launch her music career which was over before she got home.

Siad is now a high-ranking official at the Middle East terror Group ISIS. And as for Marya,well,she is still looking for love. In all the wrong places. Very wrong.

HUDDAH MONROE

Huddah wasn’t always the hot-Veeeeery Hot-mama she is today. Before all the glitz and glamor and nakedness and funded foreign trips,the Boss Lady was just a regular ka-skinny girl with an acne-laden face and no butt at all. Not even boobies.

And that’s when this Huddah girl,who was called Kairetu Ka Njoroge back then,fell in love with this kondoo called Martin Kamau Kang’ethe. Martin was quite the beast…And quite the baller.

Huddah,as usual,loved him because he was a baller..And because he came from a home that had a GATE. Huddah na Martro walipendana kweli…It went on and on and on until Marto found a job in Tanzania…And told Huddah,who was still stuck in Eastleigh,that he’d have to leave for work. Huddah didn’t want Marto to go. But the jamaa had to go.

Huddah even told him she’d commit suicide if he left…But guy had to leave,still. And,one day,he left.

Huddah,in an attempt to win him back,went to Facebook to try and search him. And for many years she couldn’t find him. She even tried Twitter…Still,jamaa wasn’t nowhere on these sites. Google too…still,nothing. Tired of looking for him,she started undressing for the internet…Hoping that one day Martin would see her nude pics,LIKE them and contact her. Still,nothing. She kept undressing . And undressing. Until there was NOTHING else to remove. Except her skin…still,Marto was nowhere to be found.

And,by default,she launched a career. And called herself Socialite. And it stuck! Haiiiiiya!

Marto,today,still works in Tanzania…As a Dog trainer. And Huddah,well,she has dated Half of East Africa. And slept in more beds than a dormitory. Maisha,kweli,ni mviringo.

STELLA MWANGI-STL

Karikui Wa Matumbi with Wife

Stella Mwangi is that short-haired Kikuyu mwanamke who hides in Norway and sings songs that sound like war cries in Timbuktu. Stella,before her trip to Norway,to teach Kikuyu in lower primary schools,was a regular girl in Maragua…selling tomatoes and maize from her farm. And that’s when she met this guy called Kariuki Wa Matumbi.

Kariuki was an egg vendor. And he had a billion chicken in his home. Stella,in her won admission,loved Kariuki because she loved eggs. Alot. And also because ati he looked like John Legend. Woooiii. And a relationship began…For every 3 eggs,Kariuki would get a kiss. Make it four and we have a hot hug and a kiss. Make it 10 eggs and we go all the way! Kwani iko nini!

This interesting egglationship went on for years…And Kariuki stared getting really broke. His egg selling bizna,too,really floundered…And his chicken steraed growng old and tited and dying. Still,STL wanted her eggs. Shaken,stirred and scrambled.

Kariki couldn’t keep up with his Kikuyu girls love for eggs. And his tu-pesa,too. Lakini STL was determined! “Maya Matumbi Ngumaria nginya ria muico…Njoke ndiyohore….” That’s Kikuyu for,”I will eat tHIS eggs to the last one! Then I dump this jamaa!”

And after Karikui’s biashara went reaaaalllly down…Sterra Mwagi organized with her people for go hide in Norway. And she went. Kariuki was distraught. And his biashara closed down promptly.

Today,Karikui is a married Sunday School teacher at Kanitha Wa PCEA Maragua while STL is still hiding in Norway. Eating her own eggs this time…We hope.

BRENDA WAIRIMU

Sharrif the Sherrif….

Before this kamrembo stared dating the Gospel gangsta,Juliani,and bore a gangsta baby for him,Brenda was just another kamrembo in the very boring villages of Malindi. Growing up among idle people and more idle people. And at 17,Brenda was dating this Coastal boy called Sharrif Sharrif. Sharrif was a true Sherrif…But not truer than Juliani.

Sharrif used to own a beach boy club in Malindi…And he used to rent out beach boys to old white women who’d leave Germany to come and get unlocked by this Coastal boys. And,boy,did they get unlocked. Good and proper. Lakini Brenda hated Sharrif’s job…And used to tell him,

“Hii kazi yako ya kuwatafutia Wamama wazee vijana inaniudhi,…Siipendi kamwe” Lakini the Sharrif Sherrif would tell her,“Usijali mpenzi wangu…Kuwa mpole…Hii ni riziki tu…Wajua mie bado nakupenda….”

The fights went on. And on. Until one day a very sexy Muzungu Mama flew in from Italy. And Sharrif,the Sherrif,though to himself,

“Daaah,Huyu Mama anatesa kweli! Daaah! Huyu simpi kijana mwingine…Huyu namla mwenyewe…” And,sure enough,Sharrif the Sherriff decide to sexually service that Mama. Coz,Daaah,alikuwa moto Babaaa!

And that’s how the break-up happened…As Brenda was walking into Sharrif’s hut (in Malindi they live in huts) to check on him,she met the boy sweating himself silly on top of the 30-year old Italian muzungu.

“E che Latua Ragazza?” the Mama asked,which is Italian for ‘Is that Your girlfriend’…And before Sharrif could stop sweating and answer,she added,

“Lei puo unirsi a noi anche...” Which is Italian for ‘She can join us too’

Brenda walked way..Never to look back.

Today,Sharrif sells little boats in Lamu. While Brenda,well,she’s been through enough exponential potentials.

BETTY BAYO

Betty Bayo is that wife. Yes,that wife. Of that man….Bwana Kanyari,the Director Of 310 Secret Society. Now,Before Betty launched her now-dead music career,and married the Official Religious Thug,Betty was some washed up choir girl in Kiambu…

She spent ALL her maisha in Church…singing for the Lord. And washing the pastor’s office. And carrying his briefcases,too. Maisha was good until she met this other jamaa in the same Church,James Kiogora Wa Gaconde.

Kiogora wa a Choir leader…And also a very very born again jamaa. In between washing the Church and carrying pastoral bags,Betty would date Kiogora…a broke but fervent believer.

Mapenzi yalizidi…they would pray together…sing together…and wash church corners together…All day,Everyday. It went on for atleast 3 years halafu Betty started recording her own music. And launched that smash hit album Eleventh Hour.

And,just like that,Kiogora was dumped. Pesa ilikuwa imeingia…Why stick with this Kiambu jamaa whose best attributes is to clean?

She soared high…And higher…And Kiogora was left behind…crying at Church corner.

And in less than an year,some flamboyant jamaa in a white Range Rover emblazoned ‘310’ came calling…And swept Betty off her feet…into a paradise of conmanship and religious gimmickry.

Kiogora was spurned. And hurt . And broke. And after 3 suicide attempts,he gave up on dying. And on Betty. And started his own Church.

Kiogora is now a married pastor at Niko Over My Ex Ministries. While Betty,well,she’s still too busy counting last Sunday’s offering….

Aaaaaand,we are done! Had fun? I did! Hope You did too…..

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. It’s A Creative Article…Made Purely For Fun. Not Unless You Hate Fun. In which Case,We Can’t Help You.

Ciao….