REVEALED: Introducing Your Favorite Kenyan Celebrities Ex-Girlfriends That They Never Wanted You To See (Photos)

Some Ex-Girlfriends are worth hiding. Or putting in a sack and drowning down the Nile. While some,well,we love to not just show off but also date over and over again….years after the acrimonious breakup.

Remember that random girl you dated some 5 years ago? Who looked like a hanging line? Remember that scraggly ka-girl you once took out? And ended up dating her by default? Who looked like a homeless Russian? And remember that girl you had mad mad sex with in college? Everyday? But never really dated her? Or even loved her? Or her nonsense?

Well,That’s STILL your ex-girlfriend. Whether you accept it or not…Like it or not. And whether she looked like a flooded road or not.

And now,today,I shall bring to you a number of Ex-Girlfriends belonging to some of your favorite celebs…

They dated them wayyyy before they became stars…And now we REVEAL them. Not just their names-some of which are comical-but also their faces. And ages…where possible.

Come with me…And let’s explore….

Top on the list is serial womanizer,the El Prezidentte…And the guy who,even though his career went down-reaaaally down-still manages to stay afloat…Either by initiating Instagram wars or by strolling around his neighborhood at 1.30am in his pajamas…Yup,its none other than tha King O’ tha Bling,Prezzo….

Name: Magdalene Waiterero Kamanja

Age: She’ now in her mid-thirties

Now,waayyyy back,before Prezzo become the star he is-is he still?-today,before Prezzo did that earth-shattering Naleta Action single,and followed it up with that other iconic Let’s Get Down,Prezzo was some unknown ka-fellow struggling to sell herbs in his family medicine kiosk,Makini Herbal Clinic. And,while selling those miti shambaz,Prezzo would keep himself busy…With this Magladene girl. Maggy was his life..And his World…And,to show her how romantic he really was,he’d give her free herbs to treat her teeth problems. And many ulcers she always had…As a result of his philandering. Maggy dated Prezzo-then known as Jackson wa Miti Shamba-for 3 years before they broke up.

Reason for break-up? It’s obvious., Prezzo cheated on her. With her own sister,Eunice Wamaitha Kamanja. But,still,she loved him. Lots.

Today,Maggy runs her own herb business. Called,“Matawi Ya Maggy Enterprises” And Prezzo is a World-famous Rapper. And night-runner. Guess everything happens for a reason. 

NICK MUTUMA

Veronicah Kagwiria Njeru

Now,Nick wasn’t even as dangerously handsome as he is today. The boy was bought up in Tigania,Meru-Yes,Yes,-lakini the looks started creeping in soon as his family moved to the Big City. Now,in Tigania,Kijana Mutuma was a regular,miraa-chewing brutha who would hang around his fellow Wamerus talking about nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And that’s when he met Veronicah Kagwiria Njeru.

Age: Mid 20’s…today

Nick and Vero has a fairytale life…they’d wake up early and take walks between Miraa plantations.,they’d hang out around the infamous Nithi bridge counting car accidents and then wind up at Murume Bar to chew chew and chew more Miraa as she drowned endless bottles of Fanta Orange…But every good thing,no matter how drunken it is,must come to an end. And Vero and Mutuma broke up after the kid moved to Nairobi. And became really,really,really handsome.

Veronicah has never gotten over her teenage love,Nick Mutuma who she used to called Kaniki.

Today,Veronicah is in jail for some Miraa-related criminal activities in 2012. While Nick Mutuma is God’s Gift to Nairobi women. Life,is unfair. Very.

BIEN AIME BARAZA OF SAUTI SOL

Ruth Naliaka Marende

Now,Bien is another one…His mad love for women didn’t start jana,No. He’s always been the Casanova…Even in the witchcraft infested alleys of Bungoma,where he grew up. And learned how to serenade women at the paraphernalia market. Before Bien was the godlike singer he is today,wooing women and making them cum from Nairobi to Amsterdam,Bien was in love,too. With some ka-girl called Ruth Naliaka Marende.

Ruth is currently in her late 20’s. Ruth and Bien dated for close to 3 years…And she still maintains,he’s the best lover she’d ever had. Best lover…In and out of bed. Bien would exchange millions of letters with Ruth throughout high-school….And buy her all the maandazi,doughnuts and queen cakes in the canteens over the Music Festivals. And she’d eat them all at a go…and then belch Bien’s name.

The affair was sweet and exciting…Until Bien caught her cheating on him..With the local Posho Mill guy,Simiyu. Apparently,she fell in love with him because he’d grind her maize for free…And there’s nothing as Romantic as making a Luhya girl NOT pay for her Ugali.. Bien was hurt. And left for Nairobi…Never to turn back.

Naliaka today is a mother of 7. Three of whom are called Bien. Love,they say,is stupid. Clearly.

CHURCHILL…MWALIMU KING’ANG’I.

Josphine Wavinya Kioko

Churchill wasn’t always the globe-trotting funny guy he is today. While growing up in the dry-very dry-valleys of Machakos,Churchill met and fell in love with this ka-woman called Josphine Wavinya Kioko. Josephine was the shit. The hottest girl in the Kivaani village, Hotter than the weather…anytime. Now,Churchill-who used to be called Ndambuki back then-loved this Wavunya kagirl to death. To death. He’d make her laugh herself silly and then she’d pay him back with 3 water jugs.

Their love was fun and exciting and sweet and interesting until one day,Wavinya showed up pregnant….And told Churchill that he was responsible. Broke and really really messed up,Churchill decided he couldn’t admit responsibility. He immediately broke the relationship…And ran to Nairobi.

It later turned out that the pregnancy wasn’t even Ndambuki’s. No,It belonged to the local Chief…the guy in whose house Churchill would hide anytime his parents gave him a beating.

Lesson? Chose your Chiefs wisely. Wavinya today is an MCA. At Kanthooni Ward,Maiyakos.

MBUSII

Junior Empress a.k.a Esther Nduku

Now,with Mbusii,it get’s a little confusing. Back,back,at Nyanza Club in River Road,he met and fell in love with this kamusichana who told him she was called Junior Empress. It later turned out her real name actually was Esther Nduku. Now,Junior Empress used to really be in love with her tiny ka-boy Mbusii who didn’t use to have dreadlocks then. They dated and dated for years…Mbusii took her to many many romantic nights at any and all reggae joints in town. He dedicated a million Burning Spear songs to her and even introduced her to Kush. They smoked for many nights…Many nights. They even had matching ‘smoke’ tattoos on their hands…

But the love started growing colder. And colder… Reason? Mbusii got a tea boy job at Ghetto Radio and stopped showing up for reggae nights with Junior Empress.

Junior Empress started growing insecure and jealous…And after many cold months,of Mbusii serving tea at Ghetto,Junior Empress called off the relationship. But not before beating up Mbusii silly. And running away with his whole Ksh.180 bob savings.

Today,Junior Empress is a Slum Volunteer at Korogocho slums. While Mbusii,well,is not serving tea anymore.

DNG

Wawira Wambogo na Mzee….

DNG is that mouthy jamaa who screams every morning at One FM-Assuming he’s still there. Now,Mr. DNG had been in love for a loooong loooong time. With this ka-teenager called Wawira Wambogo.Who was born again. Wawira met DNG at a Gospel parry wayyy before he got born again and backslid. Yes,waaaayyy before he had dreadlocks. And won that KORA Award. Wawira was DNG’s sweetheart for over 3 years. Trouble is,Wawira was older than DNG. But still,they had fun…traveled across Central Province for years,DNG took her to almost all Kigooco gigs and she,in turn,took him to all Keshaz in her kijiji.

The love blossomed…DNG started doing gospel music and nurturing dreadlocks. DNG’s entry into music ,though,made Wawira a little uneasy. Because he started becoming too popular and busy for him.

DNG sang on….While Wawira,the Church girl,sang along,too…In her Church Choir(Kanisa Ya Mitume Church,Thogoto)

The relationship wouldn’t last long,though. Because DNG,after winning the KORA Award,and some tu-cash,went secular. And all the love stopped!

DNG started taking beer,hanging out with REAL Waremboz and getting some real serious pun@ny utchea. Wawira was spurned. And,one day,malizanad with this kichwa ngumu boy who’d turned his back on Jehovah. And she never looked back…Much to DNG’s happiness.

Today,Wawira is a Pastor at Ushuhuda Wa Bwana Church in Nanyuki. And is married to her pastor husband,Pastor Boniface Mwangi. –Not related to the street pastor,though. And they have 3 kids…One of whom is called,Ok,I am kidding. Haha.

WILLY PAUL

Wendy Anyango Aoko.

Mr. Willy Boy,a.k.a Burna Boy,a.k.a Bahati The Second didn’t start fallin’ for women jana. No. Brutha’s been a babe magnet for years now…Never mind that he’s just 22. Or younger. By 13,Mr. Willy had already jinyakuliad this kamrembo called Wendy Anyango Aoko.

Wendy was 12 by then…But she had the ass of a 32 year old Mama in Alego-Siaya. Willy’s love blossomed…With his ka-High Schoolgirl who would sneak from school to come see him and help him steal-oops,sing-songs.

They spent many months together stealing and singing and copying other children’s style of not just singing but also walking and eating and dressing.

Willy was still hard-headed even then…And not even his kamrembo would cool him down. Wendy,though,struggled with her boy. Who,even at 13,was already showing signs of celebrity.

Mapenzi yalinoga…Until Willy moved to Nairobi. And left his crime partner back in Bondo. Auma tried calling Willy million times and he’d never pick. Or call back.

One day,Auma the little girl traveled to Nairobi to meet her Bae…She met him alright,but he was in the arms of another ka-socilaite…Gettin’ some honey.

Auma got mad and threw little rocks at Willy Paul’s car,Gor Mahia style.

Willy turned back,rushed over to her and told her,”One day,I’ll sing a song about You…”

And that’s how we ended up with VIGELEGELE…in which willy sings,”Hata wewe Anyango…Nimeshaonyeshwa nia Yako...”

Today,Anyango is an Instagram Model and a college student at Zetech College…While her ex-boyfriend’s a notorious land grabber…sorry,melody grabber…If you know warrai mean…

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. It’s A Creative Article…Made Purely For Fun. Not Unless You Hate Fun. In which Case,We Can’t Help You.

NEXT WEEK…We Bring You The Ex-Boyfriends Of Your Favorite Female Celebrities. Wait Up On it….Aaaand Have a sizzling weekend!