REVEALED: The Results Are Out! Here’s What Your Favorite Kenyan Socialites Got In High School…(Mean Grade)

Kenya’s entertainment scene is inundated with all manner of shisha-smoking,barely-clad,body-baring and globe-trotting social misfits collectively called ‘Socialites’…Never mind that,unlike real Socialites,the likes of Paris Hilton and Olivia Palermo,who are bound to inherit billions from their family enterprises,our socialites weren’t born into wealth. And won’t die in it either.

Ours is just a collection of attention-seeking,social media-mad narcissists who will flaunt anything and everything they’ve acquired-nay,traded-like there’s no tomorrow. But going by their lifestyles,there really may not be a tomorrow.

But it’s time to separate the proverbial wheat from the chaff.

Whose tha Baddest? Whose the illest in this game? Whose the bestest!!? And whose plain sick in the head and needs psychiatric rest?

Come with me. And let’s rate these “Boss Ladies”. (Insert laughing emoji)

VERA SIDIKA

PHYSICAL LOOKS: Maaaaan,she can really rock it! Nose? Check. Eyes? Check. Lips? Check. Body? Check. Girl be winning. Like Mayweather on a fuckin’ fight night. But she wasn’t all this attractive. I mean,before the surgeries and shit,she used to look like a tractor in Chaka Ranch. How many marks for her looks? 95%.

ASS: Ain’t an ass badder than Vera’s. Yup,I said it. Her ass is seriously on fleek. JLo ain’t got nuthin’ on a sister. Marks? 98%.

HAIR: Boss,You don’t even want us to get started now,do You? Quick fact: She owns a Hair Cafe. Worth hundreds of thousands. Surely,she must be rockin’ the BEST HAIR in this city! Hair= 96%

ACCENT: Not fake,Not American and definitely NOT Luhya…thank God. It’s,ummm,Nairobian. Not so bad…70%

BALLIN’: Kid,we all know this toto can ball,No? Fuck,we do! Ball hard. Like a muthafucka in Paris. But not Zari Hassan hard. Not even close. Marks? 75%

FASHION SENSE: Sharp as a razor blade. Or sharper than. Nuthin this sister wears is messed up. Girl’s a walking fashion show. She’s got it. And she is it. 90%

BUSINESS ACUMEN: This woman is a business,man. Quite the entrepreneur…And quite the business guru. When she’s not showing up for surgery appointments,she’s busy running her many biasharas. Very smart. 100%.

LIES: Too many! She’s such a pathological liar she’s a politician by default. Marks? -80%. Yes,negative 80%.

Total? 95+98+96+70+75+90+100= 624. 624-80=544.

CORAZON KWAMBOKA

PHYSICAL LOOKS: Nuthin to see here. Your local tea vendor at Mama James Kiosk actually looks better. And no,No amount of surgeries can solve shit. So don’t even hold Your breath. She ain’t all that…Lookwise. Marks? 55%

ASS: Girl got ass. No arguments here. And she ain’t even shy…Naaah,she flaunts it like a jet parade on a National Holiday. Take it or eat it. 95%. Solid marks.

HAIR: Her weaves are worse than Narok floods. Please…Let’s not even take too long here. 33%.

ACCENT: Being a Kisii sucks. Big time. Girl talks like a tired banana farmer in Nyaribari Chache. Woooiii. A pity. A huge pity. 45%

BALLIN’: Hmmm,She needs a crash course on what ‘Ballin'” even means. Cuz honestly,the only thing a sister is spending is her energy. Not money. Why lie. 60%.

FASHION SENSE: Booooooh. She wears a dress for every occasion. And sometimes,it’s the same dress. And when she’s not wearing a dress? She’s wearing nothing. Quite fashionable. 53%.

BUSINESS ACUMEN: She’s too busy taking photos to sit down and start a business. Leave alone run one. But even if she wished,she still wouldn’t have the money to start one. 13%. 

LIES: She just told us that she bought a regular,Moi Avenue watch for Ksh.1.1 Million shillings. Priiiiiisss. Dangaya Sossion. Marks? -90. Yup,negative 90.

Total=55+95+33++45+60+53+13=354. 354-90= 264

VANESSA CHETTLE

PHYSICAL LOOKS: She looks like your drunk sister at 3am Saturday morning. On her way home. 60%

ASS: Next please….20%

HAIR: She ain’t got no hair…And even when she has it,she still doesn’t have it. But lets give credit,her short hair’s really on fleek. On fuh-leeeek. 85%.

ACCENT: Talks like a regular Nairobi girl at a binge party. No embellishments. No twengs. And no nasal tinges. For keeping it real? Girl scores a 50%. And I’m too generous here.

BALLIN: (Insert laughter) 40%

FASHION SENSE: Quite trendy she is,I must say. Quite trendy and chic and urbane. Aaaaand,quite sexy too. She scoops a 70%. Very easily.

BUSINESS ACUMEN: She’s 20. The only thing you can invest at that age is your energy. On a dance floor. But she can start a shisha-hiring biashara. And name it Moshi Ya Vanessa Investments. Overall? 20%.

LIES: None I know of. Unlike most of her compatriots,at least she tries to keep shit real. Clap clap. Marks? 95%.

Total=60+20+85+50+40+70+20=393. 393+95= 440

HUDDAH MONROE

PHYSICAL LOOKS: Most beautiful of them all. And sexy. And hot. And gorgeous and sensual. Ulalaaa….she’s a goddess. 98%.

ASS: Not so big. And still,not small at all. Quite the package. Infact,the ass I would personally want in my girl. Petite,yummy,tight as hell and tantalizingly packaged. Brutha,come take a bite. Marks? 95%.

HAIR: Whatever she puts on her head always wins. Whatever. Heck,she’s rockin’ the slickest hair style rynow…short and funky and badass. But for trying to shamelessly jack Amber Rose’s swag,her marks fall all the way to 70%.

ACCENT: A little not so real. And a little Nairobian. Still,cool and funky. 70%.

BALLIN’: Boss,girl be living larger than Your whole community. She’s been to more countries than the current Pope. But in all those countries,she’s sinned more than 100 death row prisoners combined. What am I saying here? I am saying,Girl balls hard. HARD. 95%.

FASHION SENSE: Veeeeeeery on point. Cute dresses,naughty pants,funky tops,breath-taking gowns and awe-inspiring jewellery. A real Marilyn Monroe descendant. 90%.

BUSINESS ACUMEN: She spends more than she earns. And faster than she earns…And we all know how she earns. No business head here. 20%.

LIES: Too many. Too damn many. Aaaarrrrgh! Marks? -85%.

Total =98+95+70+70+95+90+20= 528. 528-85= 453.

RISPER FAITH

PHYSICAL LOOKS: Gai Fafa. 40%

HAIR: Kuweni serious tafathali….42%

ACCENT: Can she even talk!!?? 36%

BALLIN’: Not unless you’re talking football….26%

FASHION SENSE: Do we really have to do this?? 38%

BUSINESS ACUMEN: Not unless she’s investing her problems in the Lord,she ain’t done nuthin’ worth nothin biashara-talking. A very solid 13%.

LIES: She wish she could…Even the “I am now Born Again” lie didn’t work! You know you are pathetic at lying if even the Salvation Of Christ can’t save You! -20%

TOTAL=40+42+36+26+38+13=195. 195-20= 175.

JUDY ANYANGO

PHYSICAL LOOKS: No comment. 15%

ASS: This is the ONLY area where this girl gets more than a sentence…Cuz Girl got ass. Not so yummy but still,ass. Wouldn’t want it near me but still,ass. Credit,is due. 95%

HAIR: Her weaves so bad she needs to be in jail. 16%.

ACCENT: Hambari gani? 27%

BALLIN’: Come ye Children of the World,and let’s have a laugh! Hahahahahaha. 28%.

FASHION SENSE: Keep coming ye Children of this dirty World,and let’s keep having a laugh. Hahahahaahaha. 16%.

BUSINESS ACUMEN: Nothing I know of. Girl can’t even run a poultry farm. 17%.

LIES: Lie about what? To who!!?? She gets an % for NOT lying to the public…About stuff she’s bought or places she’s been or people she’s ‘dating’

Total = 15+95+16+27+28+16+17=214. 214+40= 254.