SMOOOKIN!!! Jeff Koinange Interviews Omondi The Urinator In Jail
So award-winning journalist Jeff Koinange was recently arrested for allegedly defaming a Nairobi tycoon on his show. Who ever imagined we’d see Jeff being escorted by police? Well, while he was waiting to appear in court, Jeff caught up with Omondi, the man who had been arrested by Kanjo officers for urinating on a wall.
Here’s Jeff’s smoooookin interview with Omondi……
JEFF: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of THE BENCH….Sorry folks. I meant the floor. There’s no bench today so we are gonna have to sit on the floor. Oh my wamae. It’s gonna be cold. Someone bring a jiko. Tell afande to bring some kuni. Someone get me my Cuban cigars please.
OMONDI: Jeff yawa, Shall we stop traversing unnecessary subjects and get to the crucial matter at hand. Let’s initiate the proceedings with haste because my attorney shall be here to bail me out in the next thirty minutes.
JEFF: Okay Omondi. So tell me, what are you in here for?
OMONDI: Well you see Jeff, there is this group of humans who call themselves kanjo. They arrested me for discharging my urine and projecting it at a wall
JEFF: Goddamn, So you mean they arrested you for urinating at a public space
OMONDI: Correction Jeff, I wasn’t urinating. I was simply relieving myself. Like Professor Bamba says, it doesn’t have to be convoluted. I was merely answering to a call of nature. Just like Tony Gachoka. Where’s the crime in that? This is abuse of jail space. They literally abducted me. They pulled me out of my RAV4 and bundled me in an crowded odour-filled van. I’ve never been so pissed by the way. Naskia tu kugonga mtu ngoto
JEFF: Goodness gracious, it’s already heating up here on….THE FLOOR. Temperatures are rising. The chills are no more. Oh my. So tell me Mr. Omondi, why did you decide to relieve yourself on a wall and where exactly did this happen?
OMONDI: Correction again. It’s Dr. Omondi, not Omondi. You know Omondi is too mainstream donge? I studied at Cambridge, so addressing me with the same noun used to address a normal Omondi is unacceptable. Now allow me to narrate. Sawasawa?
JEFF: My apologies Dr.Omondi, go ahead
OMONDI: Good. All these transgressions I have been subjected to started on Sunday night at 11 pm. I was driving from Thika to my posh residence in Muthaiga. Sasa wakati mi nafika past Kasarani nkaskia mukojo nakasa mimi. I looked right left, looked right then left again but there were no decent washrooms in my vicinity. being the courageous Jatelo that i am. I halted my Japanese machine and rushed to a nearby wall to do my thing. No sooner had I started than two Kanjo offices popped out of the blue and grabbed my Armani coat by the collar. Omera can you imagine they grabbed me by the collar like a chicken thief. Furthermore, they put wrinkles n my coat.
JEFF: But that was a serious offence Dr. Omondi, why are you angry? Don’t you think you deserve all this?
OMONDI: Eii Jeff. Kuja pople pole.Tukianza kuongea about who deserves what, we might end up writing a book like Miguna. My grievances are countless. First of all, upon arrest, these people confiscated my Samsung S6 for no justifiable reason. Second, they wanted a bribe. They wanted me to bid goodbye to my Ksh 4000 so that I could regain my freedom. Ukiongalia mimi nakaa mutu ya kulipa hongo kweli? I’d rather use that 4K to wipe my windscreen. I simply rejected their unsavory demand
JEFF: Great tale brother. So we are going to court together?
OMONDI: Absolutely. Alafu wewe tapea mimi lift kwa hiyo Mercedes yako tukitoka court. I have no idea where my automobile is located at the moment.
JEFF: We’ll see about that brother
OMONDI: It wasn’t a request by the way. I’ve said you’ll give me a lift. Thank you for the interview. You shall inform me when it shall air so that i switch on my 72 inch curve TV and admire myself
N: The above conversation is my humor bit. It didn’t actually occur.
