THE TEN RAVE COMMANDMENTS!
I’ve been to almost every club this beautiful country has to offer: from the most exclusive to the dingiest!
From Sankara and Tribe to Nairobi West’s infamous Discount (specifically Livondo’s). And I have seen a lot that has gotten me wondering about Kenyan’s famous peculiarities. And some of the said peculiarities have had me wondering whether Kenyans know the rules of engagement when it comes to partying and raving.
And with that, we the good people of Ghafla have come up with 10 Rave Commandments that if observed will ensure you have an epic weekend!
#1 Thou shalt not rave with thy girlfriend!
I can’t say this enough; there is no need to hit the town with your girlfriend because I guarantee that she will get hit on and you will go ape. So to avoid such a scenario, let her roll with her pals and you can paint the town red with your lasses!
#2 Thou shall come dressed to impress
Ladies, leave your jeans, jeggings and tights at home. No one wants to see your ugly fashion! Bring out the dresses ladies, come out looking sexy and grown and jeans just don’t cut it! Infact, if you were to try to rave anywhere other than in Kenya, your jeans would get you frozen.
#3 Thou shalt not fight
I don’t understand this, why do people come out to fight? I remember hearing some young lads once talk about how they fought when they were out and I was gobsmacked! Who goes out to fight? What are you, a Neanderthal? No one should fight! Walk away, please walk away! Real men walk away, boys fight.
#4 Ladies, thou shalt buy ye own drinks
I cannot stress this point out enough. I can’t try to hit on a lass only for her to fleece me of drinks. And what kind of lass goes out expecting to have her drinks bought for her? If that’s your plan for the rave then you are what uncle Chim Tuna calls ratchet! You are gutter! F2 Jam Session is more up your alley!
#5 Thou shalt not pass out
No one came out to haul your collapsed self. That is not and will never be the plan. Infact, I dare say that is a hoax! I came out to have fun and should you be lucky enough to roll with uncle Chim Tuna all I’d do is take photos of you then dump you in the car and move on to the next one!
#6 Thou shalt not mwaura
There is nothing as irritating as someone vomiting in the club! Have you ever been having a good time with your team when alas! Someone empties the contents of their stomach on the club floor right next to you? Or worse, on you? That is the beginning of a traumatic night.
#7 Thou shalt not white knight
I believe in being a gentleman. I believe in being the man. I however draw the line at white knighting. I do not get involved in a lass’ drunk drama. I simply walk away. And shame on all the lads who try to pull a captain save a heifer at the expense of their boys: especially if the lass in question is a complete stranger.
# 8 Thou shalt not hit the club with a messed weave or a “kitamba”
Why would you subject the lads to seeing you looking like the hag in Shakespeare’s play Macbeth? Keep your funky weave at home or return it to the bird you stole it from: the bird needs it’s nest back!
And for the lasses who appear in the club in vitambas looking like mama mbogas (not that there is anything wrong with mama mbogas: the brave women who hold up our economy). Do not come with a kitamba on your head!
#9 Thou shalt not fight bouncers
Kenya’s bouncers are mostly violent in nature save for the bouncers at Volar, Brew and Bacchus so why would you want to pick a fight with them? Should the bouncer pick an argument with you, just walk away! Do not engage them, there are a lot of top nightspots so just walk away.
#10 Thou shalt ignore the lasses
Let’s face it brothers, Kenyan women are amongst the most uninviting waste of time in the world! In the UK and anywhere else, the lasses are game. In Kenya however, lasses go out to subject lads to the Sisyphean task of picking them up.
So lads, ignore these women!Go out and have a good one bromancing rather than wasting your money sending drinks over to tables then later complaining about how the lass in question blew you off!
And just to prove this particular point, listen to the track “Chokoza” by Marya and Avril.
But the golden rule of clubbing is do not bother if you are 27 or older. You are too old: you my friend are an old foggey who is better suited for a retirement home! Stay home sipping hot cocoa with a hot water bottle between ye thighs.
