THE TEN TYPES OF ‘LADS’ FOUND IN KENYAN CLUBS
CALLING ALL CLUBGOERS: THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!!!!
Description: Every office has its coconut on the team: That person with very opinionated(often irrational) stances, whose over the top defensiveness always make for really good office banter. He claims to be giving you sage, sound advice, but is really leading you to the abyss he/she lives in called defensive disillusion.
How To Deal: DON’T ARGUE. NOD AND SMILE.
Last weeks 10 TYPES OF LASSES IN KENYAN CLUBS list was quite the hit. So of course we had to do a follow up on the types of lads you encounter. Following set example above, without further ado:
THE TEN TYPES OF MEN YOU WILL FIND IN KENYAN CLUBS.
MR MARRIED GUY:
Description: This also includes men a longterm relationship (taken but available).This guy is leaning on the bar sipping a double Johnnie Walker Gold label, peering at you over his square trendy specs. He will eye rape you half the night before he makes his move.
How To Deal: Some ladies seek the thrill of being a mistress. Some find it appalling. This is a very polarised area. Its a personal preference. The key rule is to remember: he will NEVER leave his significant other for you. With that information in hand, proceed as you wish.
MR OLD RICH GUY:
Description: They are usually celebrating since their most recent divorce. They lure young women to their table by using massive wealth to overcome their old age. They prefer to attract the youngest women at the club (in all awkward, almost-pedophilic glory). You can see -almost taste- the joy and desperation in their eyes as they try to impress young girls with expensive champagne and promises of trips to Mombasa, South Africa, London or wherever.
How To Deal: Stick around their tables and drink all their liquor. They are quite the harmless bunch. Pretend to be fascinated by their conversation. Once it’s time to go home Do NOT exchange numbers, do NOT have any future contact. Let “he’s old enough to be my father” be your mantra. You will be fine.
MR GOON:
Description: He wears his dark sunglasses the entire night. He lacks social skills and can only talk about a few topics.
He tries to make up for this by saying random loud things that he thinks are funny as the rest of you laugh. (He doesn’t realise you laugh not because he is funny but in disbelief at how dumb and caricature-like he is.)
How To Deal: He is sure fabled to put it down in the bedroom for hours and leave you laying there with your freshly straighened edges sweated out. Just be ready to jump up in the morning and LEAVE. Have an exit strategy for when the neighbourhood boys come busting through the door demanding last months payments for miscellaneous things.
A goon at work doing what he does best. Clowning.
MR HUSTLER:
Description: He introduces himself as a rapper, producer or self-employed. Whenever an event photographer comes around he takes out his wad of cash or holds up his “platinum” necklace or puts on his “Ray Bans” and poses. He’s the only one walking around the club, in Kenya, in a black mink coat. He and his entourage will be sitting in VIP popping bottles or just straight drinking from one. But they MUST do so in a strategic area where they are are in full view of the whole club. His catch phrase is always “You and your girls want to come up to VIP?”
How To Deal:If you want to be in the limelight, this may be your chance. He may put you in a low budget video or let you be his arm piece to a few events. Just remember that you’re always replaceable. And if you care what others think, heads-up: you are just another floozy/groupie. Also be ready to deal with all his b*ll nut-hanging friends.
MR WILD DRUNK:
Description: The wild drunk has inhaled enough liquor to lower his standards drastically and improve his confidence to a preposterous level. Going solo is his style. When all the prime prey has been hunted, this guy is the one who creeps in to nab the leftover, less desirable females. He is easily scared off by even a whiff of an alpha male’s presence.
How To Deal: Entertain him at your own peril. His annoying, stumbling slurry speech will only get worse. Your self esteem must be on a off-chance low to attract him in the club. Exude confidence and he will disappear. Also BEWARE: This one will freeload off of “friends” tables and run out soon as the bill arrives.
MR MALE HOE:
Description: Here is a tricky one for all. This guy is often disguised as the finest thing in the club. He dresses nice from head to toe, straight white teeth, freshly cut hair, and cologne that makes you want to drop to your knees. Only problem is, the game is old. You aren’t the only one thinking/who has thought this. And he could be packing a little something extra in his pants. No, no, no. Not what you’re thinking *NSFW*. This special delivery will have you making emergency appointments to see your gynecologist. He is also known as: The Player/Rico Suave.
How To Deal: Don’t. Leave him for the older ladies/sugar mami. (Cougars and sugar mamas: If you know you won’t get hooked on how fine and seemingly perfect his physique is, go for it!)
MR FOREIGNER:
Description: West Africans, Sudanese or Ugandans. They are dressed better than the average Kenyan. They take pride in their gawdy designer clothes from head to toe. They brandish their tables with bottles of
cognac (XO preferably) premium vodka, lots of mixers and a couple champagnes. They step into the club already with a group of video-model looking ladies, to the envy of all, but still openly invite more female company to their table. The more the merrier. “Banangeeee, DRINK!!!!” “ABEG, take take take!!!”
How To Deal: If you have nerve/confidence, this one is for you. You as well as six other ladies will be vying openly for his attention in a 6-hour “The Bachelor”-like battle. But beware of the prize for grabs: You will be promptly whisked away to a swanky hotel (yes, in your night-time clothes, in broad daylight -he will offer to buy you clothes the next day-). Yes: sex is demanded expected. He will leave the next day, and to add salt to injury, will leave a couple hundred dollars bedside and a note informing you of check out time. And just like that, you have become an esc*rt. #PrettyWomanStyle #BOOM
MR WINGMAN
Description: He is part of a duo, who go to the bar with the understanding that they work as a team. One of these males is more dominant and well-versed. Mr Wingman, however, will need help obtaining the attention or even approval of any woman. The dominant male relies on him to act as a buffer to keep conversation flowing (Mr. Wingman makes sure there are no awkward silences), as dominant continues to provide the drinks. Mr. Wingman is never awkward or inappropriately touchy-feely.
How To Deal: The fact that they work with a focus on symmetry (they will only seek out groups of females that equal the number in their own group) makes Mr. Wingman and his dominant friend some of the most fun people to hang out with. Just make sure you and your girl aren’t BOTH interested in the dominant friend. And if you end up talking to Mr. Wingman all night, he WILL ask for your number. Say no, and don’t feel bad… He’s probably in the friend zone with a lot of other girls too.
MR LAME:
Description: Have you ever had a guy offer to buy you a drink? Did you said yes? Did he follow you around the club the entire night hardly saying a word? If you answered yes, consecutively, to these three questions, you have encountered Mr. Lame. He hangs out with about three other guys with absolutely no style at all, watching every female that passes.Then finally one dares the other to try and talk to her. He ALWAYS nervously peppers his conversation with “So, you come here a lot?” “Umm, you want a drink when you finish that one?” “I’m just hanging out with my boys.”
How To Deal: Talk to him if you like, just beware of his immature and irritating ways. You will get tired of him very quickly and probably explode.
MR. WHERE-HAVE-YOU-BEEN
Description: He is the rarest man out there. They don’t go out much: they’re working all the time, have other things going on, or the club is just not their type of environment.He’s not even trying to be the center of attention and he still catches your eye.
How To Deal: Approach him with a simple “Hello, how are you doing?” Now this is the ONLY, I repeat ONLY man in Kenyan clubs probably worth any real time or effort. If he ends your brief meeting with a “I don’t want to keep you from your friends; here is my number. Call me when you get a chance.” he isn’t being suave. He’s actually genuinely being a gentleman. Call him. You won’t regret it.
If it wasn’t for the fact that these last two aren’t singular guys, they would be on the list. Nevertheless, they deserve an honorary mention:
THE PACK
Description: Aka ALL MOST ALL most(?) Kenyan men. Welcome to Kenya. They arrive in great numbers already aggressively drunk. They are usually of the same cultural ethnicity or have been great friends for an extensive period. You can identify a pack by the astronomically disproportionate ratio they arrive at the venue with –example 10 guys:2 girls. They often can be witnessed rubbing their bellies in a primal effort to show off their unsightly extra body fat with pride. They’ve chosen to migrate from bro-central for one reason: hopes to get laid.
How To Deal: Their target female tends be the average looking wallflower waiting for attention. (They have a codename for them: fire-brigade) When they find one of these girls, she is encouraged to bring along friends who are equally average (making it easy for the rest of the pack to feast off this hunt). They expect a girl to drink nothing else but beers with them (Tusker Lite, Smirnoff Ice also accepted). AVOID. You will have a horrible night, and will be constantly appalled/disgusted how primal men can be when in packs. #ew
THE RICH KIDS OF OLD MONEY
Description: They come into the club, fashionably late, already with a medium-small sized group -well dressed, good ratio of guys to girls- and manage to spend excessive amounts of money on any given night. If you see a sparkler parade of more than 10 sparklers, chances are you are in the presence of them. They entice women through their youthful antics, chiseled looks, naughty nature, cultured friends, effortlessly stylish appearance, carefree spending and high amount of ‘designer’ libations around them.
How To Deal: These men have women flocking to their tables on any given night and often wind up at an after party. This is a wild bunch; always down for debauchery. Have fun, but understand, unless you are on their economic/social level, you will never be more than a “Remember-that-ridiculous-night” story to them. Take comfort though, at least their driver will drop you home the next afternoon. So you can take your walk drive of shame ‘premium-style’.
