UPTOWN OR SAFARAS, WHO HAS THE BEST TIME RAVING?
Someone on twitter just challenged me to explore the difference between going out to a safara club and a classy establishment.
Well, I first want to issue a disclaimer, I am not elitist. I live my life by the principles explored in Rudyard Kipling’s poem “IF”. Simply put, I’ve been to the dingiest and dodgiest establishments and I have been to the best and most exclusive Kenya has to offer.
From as I said earlier, Livondo’s in Discount (Nairobi West) to Sankara’s Champagne Bar. From bars that smell like piss to bars that are as regal as they come.
And I believe that this has given me an insight as to what to expect from raving like a safara and when going out on an uptown tip.
So here’s a glimpse into what to expect from the two divergent worlds:
#1. The lasses in downtown clubs are authentic; they are after your drinks and/or money and don’t meander about the fact! These lasses came out with bus fare on them (if you’re lucky) and expect you to buy them a couple of glasses of keg to enjoy their company.
The uptown lasses are abit trickier, they can be categorized into two clusters: the safaras trying to get on their come up and the genuine gossip girl types. The safaras in these establishments are pretentious and act as though they have “their own” but they sip a Fanta the whole night. The 90210 types buy their own drinks and when you offer to buy them one, they order a bottle of Ciroc… At Brew Bistro!
#2. The downtown clubs have people dancing and genuinely having a good time. Here people let loose and live a little. That’s why uncle Chim Tuna takes his ladies to keg establishments to see how they’ll act in a laid back setting.
The uppity clubs are chilled out with people pretending to be too sophisticated to let loose and cut a rag. Why this is the case, I don’t know. All I know is that I get odd looks when my man Ed and I dance in these establishments.
#3. The downtown clubs have one too many fights erupting over trivial nonsense. People here seem to love what BoonDocks referred to as “n***r Moments”. A fight will erupt because a patron thinks you were staring at his lass or because you accidentally stepped on him. And the kicker is that even the lasses throw punches! Talk about being ratchet!
Here most of the patrons walk away from fights. Maybe it’s because they have witnessed guns being drawn or because they know better but here most guys simply walk away when they can.
#4. Downtown sisters go out looking horrible. They don’t try at all. Even when they are going out to clubs in town such as Scratch, they’ll be in jeans and tights thinking they look good.
Lasses in upper echelon establishments take their time to look good. And when they step out, their appearance shows. Nothing entices a man quite like nwannem nwanyi looking feminine and sexy!
#5. The music at the clubs that cater to a lower end clientele exclusively play raga and riddims with absolutely no variation and no deejay requests are allowed. Everyone dances in a homogenous style and they all dance with faces that look they’re sucking on lemons.
Here the music is more adventurous. The deejay plays everything hot at the moment but unfortunately, as stated earlier, there is virtually no dancing.
#6. The bouncers are rude, belligerent and violent. They beat you because they feel you looked at them wrong or because you forgot your i.d card. They freeze you by slapping your chest or shoving you around. Truly sad affair.
Bouncers in more refined establishments take the time to talk to you to explain why you’ve been frozen. They are also helpful when approached. And more often than not, the service is with a smile.
#7. Beer prices in downtown clubs is more economical but the waitresses keep rushing you to finish your drink and order more. You can’t just steady sip and have fun.
In better establishments, you are left to your designs once you’ve ordered your drink. It’s as though they know you’ll keep ordering so they leave you to your business
#8. There are too many old foggies hunting the ratchet lasses looking for free drinks in the dingy establishments. No wonder people 27 year olds or older are common place in keg bars.
In upmarket nightspots, no one cares for your money so the old foggies who’s only gameplan is to “make it rain” have nary a shot at getting the lasses because either she, her friends, the youngin in the corner or all of them can afford to make it rain.
