WEEKEND TALES: How Sexy Vera Sidika Prevented Violence At The AFC Leopards Vs Gor Mahia Game

I have a love-hate relationship with Vera Sidika. Sometimes I feel like I’d spank her massive derriere and watch it shake with excitement yet at other times I feel like if I was in a chopper with her and we were flying over a crocodile infested river, I would push her out.

This past weekend, Kenya’s two most popular soccer clubs AFC Leopards and Gor Mahia locked horns in what promised to be a cracking affair. Vera was there with er clique of bishes. Consequently, the thirst was at an all-time high. Hawkers selling mineral water had a field day. Business was so good that even the Shark Tank guys would have been interested.

Before the big game, word had spread quickly that the controversial socialite would be in attendance. She’s of Luhya decent just like me, so she supports Ingwee by default. A part of me wasn’t impressed by the idea. Was she on a mission to scramble for gigs among the football loving clientele? Maybe it was just a PR stunt aimed towards cleansing her tarnished name. Born Vera Nasike Wanjala in Namweyi, Bungoma county, she claims her support for Ingwee began during her high school days in Namweyi Secondary school. I highly doubt that. I don’t think she even knows even a single player’s name.

That aside, the other part of me just felt good that she was trying to use her bullshitting skills for good rather than for evil.

Unlike on previous occasions, things were different this time. In the past,  clashes between the two giants have been marred with grotesque violence. It’s always been about bragging rights rather than actual glory. A struggle for ‘The Best of Kenya’ title has kept these two adversaries in battle for over a half a century. Games kick-off in a so too do 90 minutes of ear-bursting and nerve-jangling atmosphere.

From occasion to occasion, things have become too heated that pundits have been tempted to compare Gor Vs AFC to Roma Versus Lazio, one of the world’s most violent soccer derbies. The match between Rome’s top two clubs is infamous for flares and fascists. It is perhaps surprising that such a devilish rivalry exists in a city shared with God’s top man – The Pope.

The history is straightforward. The violence started ages ago when Italian dictator Mussolini merged three clubs in an attempt to create a counterpoint to the dominance of Juventus and the Milans. Lazio refused to join. Both sets of Ultras are a violent lot. Note that in 2004 an on-field war between fans led to 13 arrests and 170 injured police. No fan was injured. Only the 5.0

Back home, tensions were building up. I cannot deny it. I was eager to see how Vera would flee the scene if tear gas became an air component. In fact my phone camera was on all the time, ready to record the money clip. Would she have made a quick dash like a Kalenjin runner or would she have thumped heavily on the ground like Godzilla, leaving a quake in her wake? That was to be seen

In the long run, everything turned out awesome. The good thing about Vera is that she is never difficult to deal with. Whereas other socialites are arrogant eggheads, she is humble. She’s sweet to her haters, always retweeting even when they insult her and she stays tender to her admirers.

As she placed her huge butt on that VIP seat, all attention shifted to her. Suddenly the crowd felt as if they had three balls to concentrate on. One on the field and two on a seat. Supporters of the two sides were too busy craning their necks to see where she was seated rather than watch the match or rant about bad referee decisions. K’ogallo divas were busy gossiping how someone had stolen the show.  Players of both teams were working extra hard too, you’d think Jose Mourinho was in the stands. No wonder the match ended in a stalemate. A draw because everyone put on their best game. Everyone seemed per-occupied with something. Quite unusual.

It’s common for the male species to impress the female species and when a female of the upper echelons is present, the desire to impress gets even stronger. Theoretically, that’s what happened. No one wanted to put on their worst behavior. Stones were left unturned and only eyes and mouths did the job.

Rapper Kristoff was the lucky guy seated next to Vera and the n**gga couldn’t stop smiling. It’s amazing what the allure of a woman does to men. From fans to askaris, everyone was  unusually overjoyed. Apart from one or two altercations between players, everything else was good.

In our nation, the game is rife with corruption allegations hence this once great on-field battle has threatened to leave its better days in the past. The presence of influential faces in the stadium is what the game needs right now. Such is essential in adding scent to the atmosphere. Thank you Aunt Vera for bringing peace and thirst to the derby.

ASS-ante sana. As we all get back to work, we wish you luck as you get back to ‘twerk’ too