Month: August 2012

Octopizzo has been headlining in most recent shows lately, in Nairobi and the rest of Kenya. He might even just be the artiste to have performed in most schools in only one month. It is no doubt that he is extremely popular among the youth. It might be his music, his success story, or both. Whatever it is, it’s really working for him.

Octopizzo and Muthoni Drummer Queen performed together at the Nokia: Don’t Break The Beat finals, at the SkyLuxx Lounge. Their hit track ‘vile inafaa’ brought the club down. Check out the event in pics.

If you’re a young lad of acceptable raving years of between 21 to 26, you meet lasses all the time aye?

 

And while a good number of lasses we meet at night are balanced folk, there are a couple who aren’t quite as normal as the layers of make-up would have you believe!
Uncle Chim Tuna is here to help you decode members of the female species. Young nephew,  to undertake this dangerous study of the Kenyan raving female’s behaviour, you must clear your mind of any and indeed all of the assumptions and misguided notions you hold as truths.
With that said, let us begin this perilous journey into the psyche of the raving Kenyan female!

 

Time Waster
This breed of female should be avoided at all costs! She appears normal at first glance but upon further inspection, she displays signs of leading men on often luring them with the promise of something more in store. Avoid these. They are just like the black widow spider only these feed off destroyed self esteem and shattered dreams!
They are often spoted in groups or as your uncle Chim Tuna calls them, witch covens. Ignore these pretentious breed altogether!

 

 

Ms. Ratchet
This particular breed of ravers is associated with habits such as engaging in physical violence and/or encouraging the same and this i believe is it’s mating ritual. This particular breed of female is characterised by bad weaves, torn clothes or a bad attitude that is meant to be gangsta and/or natty!
Avoid this breed of raving lass like the plague! This specie will either end up getting you beat-down or engaging in ratchet behaviour. They are also the vampires of the female world because no self respecting man wants to be seen with one of these when dawn rises!

 

Ms. One-Drink-Too-Many
This breed is a rather sad one! They are characterized by an acute inability to handle and contain their liquor and often end up either throwing up, passing out or both simultaneously! And what’s really sad about this specie is that they are often between the ages of 18 and 23 and if you’re in a relationship with one of these, i pity you enyi: they often wake up in strange men’s beds or worse still, they end up making you look like a rap*st as you and yer comrades carry her home or to the car.

 

Ms. The-Make-Up-Isn’t-Working
This one is plain out ugly. The members of this breed share an uncanny resemblance to a warthog! They have loads of make-up on that does little to help them. Even in badly lit clubs and after imbibing copious amounts of alcohol, they are still really aesthetically unappealing.
Funny thing is that these are the lasses with the most bile and pride! They seem to forget that hitting on them is doing one’s service to humanity (nee charity). I am taking one for #TeamMankind to keep everyone happy and content.

 

Ms Independent
These lasses are of the obstinate breed that is 27 to 30, still at the club and complaining about how men these days cannot handle women of her mettle. I am here to perform my civic duty and let you know that men choose not to approach you because you are a pain in the… uhm… Let’s just say you are a pain and leave that rounded off!
It’s not that men can’t handle you; your “love-handles” would actually make that easy… Nay, my nephews leave you alone because the point of imbibing is to get drunk then deal with a hang-over the morning after; not right there at the club!

 

 

 

 

Ms Gold Digger

Nephews, i need you to listen to uncle Chim Tuna carefully when he says that most Kenyan women fall into this category save for two: one mentioned previously (directly above) and one that we’ll be looking at later…
And if a lass at the club expects you to keep buying her and her guzzling ogre friends rounds, run for the hills! Do not compete with these ones! It is actually easier and cheaper to entertain a mistress of the night (though i do not advocate for this).
Members of this breed order for drinks they cannot pronounce let alone afford to drink when they are on their own. This lass will order for chh-a-m-pa-g-n-i instead of champagne and they will do so at Skyluxx (do people still go there? Well, who knows, it was this lasses choice afterall!)

 

Ms Issues

This breed are the type to imbibe an iota of alcohol then breakdown and amid sobs tell you about their cheating boyfriend or their abusive ex! Nephew, do not white-knight! Walk away enyim! This lass will only ruin your chi and your night! You aren’t Dr. Phil so by all means, do not take on her burdens!

 

 

Ms Cockblocker

This is the ugly lass whose sole purpose that night is to ensure that none of her friends have a good time! Gels, this breed is an enemy to both the lads and the lasses because her sole purpose is to sap the fun right out of your night!
Leave this accessory at home! This breed is notorious for setting high standards for the men who approach her friend yet when my nephew sets his nkita (mongrel) looking friend on her as a wingman, she is game for whatever… Problem is, boys hunt in packs, men hunt alone!

 

Ms Cougar
This one doesn’t need your money and infact throws pints your way just to get you inebriated enough to find her 32 year old self attractive and nimble enough to explore but nephew, avoid these types unless you have no self respect and/or you want alot of drama in your life. When her husband finds out (which they all inevitably do), you enyi are a dead lad!
The perks however about this breed is that there is no beating about the bush. They say what they want and do what they must to get you home with them… only to kick you out at 5:30 in the morning and ye left ye car at Volar and yer current location is somewhere in Lavington! True Story bro!

 

Ms. Perfect
Nephew these do not exist in the club and seeing her simply means you should either switch to water or stop drinking altogether! Yer drunk and that is not in the good way!
Your friends should actually slap you sober!

 

Feeling this list? How about you check out the TEN TYPES OF ‘LADS’ FOUND IN KENYAN CLUBS too! 

Octopizzo is one of the busiest stage performers in the country right now. About a month ago, he took classes with one of the most electric live performers in the region, Ohanglaman Makadem. Looks like those skills are not going to waste.

From the Sawa Sawa Festival, Nokia’s Don’t Break the Beat to the numerous university tours, he is definitely one of the hardest working artistes around. All this in between managing his various businesses and recording.

Even the Kenya National Music Festivals have Octo on their sights. The rapper performed at the festival (check out the video here) to a crowd of enthusiastic shcoolgoers. Check out the photos below.

 

Check out the rest of the photos here.

Introducing yourself into the music industry can really prove to be a pain in the neck. especially a music industry like that of Kenya, where you can only feed from lucrative deals and performing in concerts and get nothing at all from album sales. Yes, it is that bad.

It is that kind of music industry where even your own friends will not buy your album, not because they don’t like your music, but simply because they can immediately get it for free on-line. It is that messed up.

So, getting into the mainstream media is kind of a big deal. No, it actually is a very huge deal. It is the only way to ensure that you as an artiste will befit from your music. This is exactly why upcoming artistes line up to collaborate with well known and established artistes and I can’t blame the at all. It is actually good for them if they succeed to do it.

This upcoming artistes, Enax, who we had the pleasure to meet recently and talk about his struggles as an upcoming artiste in the House genre of music told us everything about it. It is with this strategy in mind that he is to do a collabo with hip hop star, Labalaa. This is a really good idea, fusion of hip hop and house music.

This Kenyan artiste is taking his first strides in the music industry and they are about to widen. Check out his interview with us below.

Standard has a new C.E.O by the name Sam Shollei.

All this coming after rumours circulating about the ship being in trouble waters becoming especially pronounced after the departure of Mohammed Ali.

Well, it may be from naught or simply from the desire to keep things fresh but the good folk at the Standard Media Group have seen fit to shake things up a little.

Mr. Shollei who has taken over at the reigns from Paul Melly has moved to reassure the audiences of Radio Maisha and KTN aswell as the readership of The Standard that the levels of professionalism and the standards hitherto adhered to shall be met and upheld.

He went on to praise the progress and achievements made under the leadership of Mr. Melly and urged the staff to redouble their efforts so as to keep the Standard Media Group competitive.

Here’s to waiting to see what the new C.E.O will be unveiling soon. Watch this space!

Has your life started feeling like a re-run of a “Busted” by Ciku: It was once so hilarious when you heard it. Then you played it for about ten different friends. Each time still finding it so hilarious. Then soon enough other friends started playing it back for you. But because you don’t wanna kill their joy and cut them off with a “I heard that about three weeks ago”, you pretend to laugh as hard as you did the first time. But its just not funny, or new or fresh anymore. Case of the same-s**t-different-day syndrome.

Well now is the time to take chances. Try something new, Spice up your weekends. Here is a list of fun things to do that we at Ghafla have set out to do over the next couple of weekends. Join us! share it with your friends, make a to-do-list, and let us know how you’re doing!

1. Go for a hike at the closest big outdoor space to you. Get lots of friends, on a nice warm saturday, wear shorts (the tinier the better for the ladies), white vests and sneaks and get hiking! (Check out the weather forecast in advance, avoid disappointment.)

2. Ride your bike somewhere. (borrow a friends, rent one, do it as a date, do it alone…..)

3. Have a sophisticated and chic afternoon drink: Dress in ALL white (not off-white, not striped, not polka dots, ALL WHITE) on a hot day and go have some drinks at an outdoors kind of place. (Do this with a couple friends. Don’t forget to pull out the sunglasses for extra oomph!)

4. Be a bartender at your home ‘casino’: Imagine you are an actual bartender for the day, make some different cocktails, serve in variety glasses. Call friends over and play (preferably with actual bets) card games/board games.

5. Go to a festival (There are LOTS happening right now. Case in point Aug 31-2 at the Rift.)

6. Be a music critic for the day: Tell all your friends to make mixed CDs of their favourite underground songs, and get together one day, (with drinks or food) and listen to all of them together while chilling. (Check the lyrics on Kenyan Lyrics, or submit them if you want to).

7. Have a REAL blankets and wine date. Get a blanket (the Maasai ones work really well), two good bottles of wine, two glasses, two comfy cushions/pillows a good sized bag, get to the closest green grass to you, set up wherever you can and sip some wine.

8. Two words: Roof-top. Party.

9.Have a pool party at a house that has no pool: How? Squirt-guns(Uhuru highway for 50-100bob), water balloons, a sprinkler. All you need is a little space to get wet and fun friends. This has to start early though. And warn everyone to come in their swimsuit…. Cuz EVERYONE will be getting wet.

10. Have a random theme night with your friends. eg. Dress like characters in the Godfather, and go for dinner together to somewhere really casual/laid back. Stay in character and act like its perfectly normal that you guys are in the Mafia and look like you just walked out of the 1930’s. Eat, and then just head on out.

11. Take a roadtrip/long drive with your friends. Not necessarily to stay over-night. Sometimes the best fun is had in the car with the radio loud, sipping from bottles which no-one is really sure what’s in them. (Suggestion: head towards Limuru sides. You won’t go too far, and chances are at lunch time you’ll be in the middle of nowhere surrounded by grass far as the eye can see. Park, get out, turn the music up, sit on the grass, on the car bonnet, eat lunch, sip drinks, get your shades on, play games in the grass, take pictures, attempt to ride the closest cow-LOL- roll down a big hill like a kid, whatever… Then head home before it gets too dark.)

12. Hellsgate. Need I say more? Hiking, biking, picnics, tours…. But don’t dress down. Comfortable shoes, but stylish clothes. Carry your phones: PICS PICS PICS and dont forget to tweet, facebook, and instagram.

13. Make boozy popsicles/icecubes, jello shots or home-made sangria. Of course then enjoy them?!

14. Get all your friends over, make enough popcorn and watch a SUPER LAME movie together.

15. Plan an outdoor date. (They are so much more fun, so much cheaper and guaranteed to lead you to better places than a club.)

16. Get the ingredients to some exotic recipe you picked of the internet, and try to make it from your own kitchen as perfectly as you can. (Guys this is a perfect date idea. Girls this could also work alone or with your girl. Fun if you get it right, funny if you mess it up horribly! Just have some ice cream in the fridge or cookies just in case.)

17. Try your hand out at finger-painting/graffitti: Paint + friends + paper always ends up in fun. Just make sure everyone comes dressed appropriately, AND don’t spill paint in anyone’s hair(it will take 3-4 weeks to come out)

18. Go bowling/put-put golfing (or the real golfing too, if that’s what you’re about!)

19. Organise your closet: Give all your old clothes and shoes (that are in good condition) to a younger relative, to a needy friend or to anyone in need.

20. Kitengela. Rolf’s Place, Paintballing. THAT IS ALL.

21. Dress up real nice (guys put THAT oufit on, not jeans, girls wear a lovely floaty dress/super bright colours). Pop into the ‘fancy’ side of town on a Sunday and take random photos around town with your friends. Get a good camera, and don’t be scared to go H.A.M. Think magazine fashion editorial pictures. (One of these pics will probably end up as your facebook cover picture!)

22. Blue Post. Thika. Chania Falls. Make sure you go all the way down on the wood bridge. Carry your camera.

23. Clean your room (be honest, you KNOW it needs a whole day!!)

24. Volunteer at the closest place you can that takes volunteers.

25. (For Nairobians) Go to the Nairobi National Museum. The Museum more so than the snake park. (latter gets a bit crowded) You’ll be surprised how fun it is as an adult! (Not anything like the weird school trip I vaguely remember from class three….)

26. Make a delicious home-made burger (with all those random fillings you like but will never get at steers), get an ice-cold beer. Partake. This will probably go down as one of your most legendary meals.

27. Read an interesting book… No wait. First BUY an interesting book, and go ahead. READ it.

28. Become a youtube star: Make a video with you and friends in it. (Could be a short movie, miming to your favourite new song Camp Mulla song, pranking everyone, reviving Makmende… Any fun ideas) Post it on youtube. (And five years later your reactions to your younger selves will be such joyful shame!)

29. Phone to silent, TV off, laptop away, alone. Calm down. Now, meditate. (Try it. It’s not that easy, takes some SERIOUS effort.) Spend an entire day completely technology free. Can you?

30. Have a home movie marathon for a chronology of movies. (ALL Batman movies ever made. ALL James Bond movies. ALL Lord of the Rings. ALL Harry Potters. ALL Twilight etc.) See how far you will make it, how much you remember watching, how the movies flowed into each other, and how stuff changed/improved over time.

31. Try and watch a classic movie from back in the Black and White days from start to end. Use it to look intelligent next time you are speaking to someone. “I was watching Casablanca three days ago……”

32. Got a laptop? Internet? Get on chat-roulette with your friends. (Two or three people is best) Do something naughty *wink* Catch up with some friends on Skype.

33. Loisaba. Laikipia. QUAD BIKES. 

34. (Perfect for during an out of town trip or in someone’s garden) On a clear night lay down and watch the stars. Try to find constellations-google is your friend- that are out that night. Discuss the meaning of life, and lots of deep things.

35.Watch a sunrise or a sunset from a beautiful view. (You’d be shocked how few people have actually done this). Try Uhuru park, there is this hight point where you can see the ENTIRE skyline of Nairobi’s CBD. One word. AMAZING.

36. GP-karting!

37. Attend or do your own spoken word with friends.

38. Take a FAT book with you to a restaurant. Order just a drink: a coffee, or a milkshake, or a juice and be one of those bookworms you always see reading a book at a coffee shop!!!

39. Watch a Bruce Lee movie AND a Jackie Chan movie in one day. COMPARE.DO IT. SERIOUSLY.

40. Try and meet a new person, and try to start a REAL friendship (sober, during the day, well dressed…. You’d be surprised how few people want to make friends in these conditions!!!! Something about daylight makes friend-making reeeeeal creepy!)

 

Steady, set…… GET GOING!!!!!!

Juliani’s Mtaa Tour is back. This time, it is taking Route 100. The Nina Uwezo Festival leg of the Mtaa Tour will take place on the 18th of August at Kiambu Community Hall between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. Entry to the concert and talent competition will be free.

Gospel rapper Juliani’s Mtaa Tour is an initiative in which he performs in different neighbourhoods and rewards his biggest fans. He will personally deliver album to fans who ordered his Pulpit Kwa Street online. One of the fans will also be picked to win a VIP slot during the concert.

Juliani is taking a different approach in the field of distribution and adding value to his listeners. Besides performing and rewarding fans, he is encouraging them to stand up and represent their streets by becoming ambassadors of change, be it positive growth, in championing for clean politics, or the environment.

Kenya Airways KQ542 ETD was 0900hrs, early this morning. Slightly cloudy morning, showers, all passengers seated. EXCEPT FOR ONE; three guesses who this was.

 

Prezzo and his entourage are already headed places just less than a month after his exit from his high profile Big Brother appearance. But has his new refound fame already gone to his head? Mr. Jackson Makini aka Prezzo held up their morning flight for one whole hour earlier today.

 

One hour after everyone was seated, Prezzo was ushered in to his business class seat after the delay, and the flight took off without a hitch, ETD 1005hrs. Despite the delay, him and his entourage were quite friendly to everyone on board the flight, and took their time out to take pictures with the crew of the plane after an uneventful flight.

 

I guess when you are a President AND global ambasssador, a plane can wait for you.

 

Look out for more pictures and inside scoop about Prezzo and his trip. Ghafla will be keeping you up to date with everything Prezzo as he trots the globe as our country’s and a global ONE ambassador.

August 17th. Where you AT??????

 

Prezzo, the President, the KING of BBA Stargame stays true to his word. Analeta action. Where in the world is he going now?

 

Our main man the president, flying our flag high, was spotted in the cockpit in KQ (expect any less?). Headed to a very high profile event, to be shown nothing but the best treatment with another DON that we all know and love. 

 

 

Check out prezzo’s tweets regarding said incident:

 

 

Ghafla team is on it of course, bringing you all the exclusives straight from sources close to and around the President of Kenya (as he spreads his rule to the rest of Africa). So we’re gonna keep you guessing, but here’s a hint as to what he and Rozay have in common this Friday.

 

Check out Rozay’s tweets

 

 

ROZAY AND THE PRESIDENT! #BagsOfMoney #CMB and #MMG 

 

More inside scoop coming to you by the hour……

After announcing his departure from Jomino records last year, it seemed as though these two parties would never see eye to eye again. Guess we were wrong.

According to G-Kon, he met with the Jomino management and talked out their differences. All that story about Jomino not working well with the artiste is now behind them. G-Kon has just announced his move back to Jomino.

G-Kon is now back in the Jomino studio and is planning to launch his latest track ‘Wacha iende’ through them. We really hope your relationship works out for the best this time.

One of the articles I was immediately drawn to once I started writing for Ghafla was “The Ten Rave Commandments” by my colleague Chimwani Obiajulu. I was of course drawn in by its popularity, so decided to check it out.

Well at first glance with my top notch skimming ability, I discerened this article was anything BUT boring. And I thought it had some pretty neutral tips. No fights, No passing out, no fights with bouncers. UNTIL I read the whole article in depth…. Seemss to ME like our dear uncle Chim Tuna has been clubbing with one too many ratchet ladies to even write a neutral list!!! Even the commandments that started out neutral ended up bashing ladies (ref commandment #2)! By the end of the article it was all out war on all women clubbing in Nairobi.

So, being that Ghafla has FINALLY got some much needed XX onto the writing team, I’d love to show the ladies some love too. And finally show guys what also runs through girls’ minds. Not according to uncle Chim Tuna (whose sanity is still debatable), but straight from the source. Tongue-in-cheek, I am going to write the SAME commandments, from the complete opposite side.

Mmmmmmmm here we go…. *camp mulla voice*

#1 Thou shalt not rave with thy boyfriend!
I can’t say this enough; there is no need to hit the town with your boyfriend. You’re gonna dress AMAZING, and you’re boyfriend will love it AT FIRST. Then you’ll get to the club and he will realise that everyone else loves it too. And for some strange reason this never results in a “Yeah, look at her and weep, cuz thats MY lady” proud moment, but always results in ” WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HER? DO YOU KNOW SHE IS MY LADY?” jealous moment. So to avoid such a scenario, let him roll with his boys, and you can paint the town red, guilt free, with your girls!

 

#2 Thou shalt come dressed to impress
Guys, leave your jeans, your work suits and ties, your brand T-shirts (Tusker, Ghafla), your Steve Hightower trousers and your cargo pants/shorts at home. No one wants to see your ugly fashion! Bring out the straight leg or tapered pants guys, come out looking sexy and grown and branded tees just don’t cut it! Infact if you were trying to rave anywhere other than in Kenya, your branded tees would get you frozen.

 

#3 Thou shalt not fight
I dont understand this, why do ppl come to fight? I have been around some ladies and had to duck a glass or two. Ladies, who goes out and fights? What are you, a Kenyan guy? NO ONE should fight. Walk away, be the bigger person. Classy people dont fight, trash does.

 

#4Men, thou shalt buy ye lass/prospective lass drinks
I cannot stress this point out enough. You can’t try to hit on me in a club and expect me to stand there till my throat spontaneously combusts from dryness. If that is your plan, then you sir are what I call TRIFLIN! You are foolish! F2 Jam Session is more up your alley.

 

#5 Thou shalt not pass out
NEED I REPEAT WHAT HE SAID?

 

#6 Thou shalt not mwaura
AGAIN, NEED I REPEAT WHAT HE SAID?

 

#7 Thou shalt not damsel in distress
I believe in being a lady. I believe in being feminine. I however draw the line at being a damsel in distress. Stop starting drama then waiting for your male companion to finish it off for you. Like said before, classy girls do NOT fight. Handle your alcohol. And shame on all you lasses that pull a hold-me-back-from-this-b***h at the expense of everyone elses fun. Especially if everyone else has already started rolling their eyes and acting like you are a total stranger yet you know them VERY WELL.

 

#8 Thou shalt not hit the club with a jacked up weave/kitambaa
Unfortunately, this irks me as much as it does men. DON’T step up in here with your hair looking like a clay helmet, with a weave that reeks of four week old cigarette stubs, with uzi dreads, with those half-lines/half-weave, half-spikes/half-lines, half-curly/half-straight or any other hybrid hair do-s.
And for the lasses who appear in the club in vitambas, I’m thinking of starting a mass movement where we just yank off those things on the dancefloor in protest. And let it disappear in all the sweaty bodies and moving feet.

 

#9Thou shalt not fight bouncers
AGREED

 

#10 Thou shalt ignore the lads
Let’s face it girls, Kenyan guys are the most unappealing waste of time in the world! In the Europe, West Africa, Central Africa, South America anywhere else, the lads are LUSCIOUS. In Kenya however, lads go out to subject the lasses to the Danaidean task of suffering their lame pick ups.
So lasses, ignore these fools! Go out and have a good one with the girls rather than wasting your money on exoensive shoes, outfits and hairdo-s for men who never appreciate your effort and expect a one hour chat after purchasing a single glass of wine.

 

And just to prove this particular point, listen to the SAME track “Chokoza” by Marya and Avril.

#BOOM #mwanaume ni effort

 

And lastly, If you are 27 or older, GO OUT!!! You my friend are an independent young person who is better suited for the club scene. Not in daddy’s car, not using pocket money, not in silly undersized clothes, you my friend have reached the perfect age to really enjoy yourself. Treat yourself. Don’t stay home, take trips to party for just the weekend. Close out clubs so those youngins won’t bother you and have a private party for you and your friends. Have a midnight pool party at your apartment block and…. (the rest would be NSFW). Get to a club and purchase drinks by the bottle for you and your crew. Book a flight and go to all the famous world party destinations you’ve wanted to. Avoid those youngin sufferers and go to more high end establishments. You’ve earned it. Enjoy it.

 

And THAT my friends, is how the cookie crumbles.

I just realised it’s been a while since I went out dancing with friends. Dancing. Not sitting, sipping drinks, some people stepping out for a smoke, standing up a little when its your song, standing in the corner, moving a bit while at the bar placing an order…. I’m talking full on DANCING! So I got to talking with some friends about it. The conversation turned from going dancing, to the funniest things seen on dancefloors, to the types of dancers you see in that mess of sweaty, bumping, grinding and jumping crowd. I’d put myself as a #1 with a bit of #2, and I definitely have been a #6 once or twice! Check out this top 10 list:

Feel free to add any other types you know in the comment section, and most importantly, tell us which category you fit into!

1. The Person Who Actually Knows How To Dance And Is Making Everyone Else Look Bad.
No matter how terrible the DJ, there’s always one person out in the middle of the dance floor who looks like they are auditioning for “Can You Dance”. They might be naturally gifted, they might have practiced endlessly infront of their mirrors, they might been in a dance group/class for 15 years–maybe all three–but as entertaining as they are to watch: ultimately we all just want them to sit down.

 

2. The Ironic Dancer.
This person doesn’t have the slightest bit of confidence in their dancing abilities so they carve out a niche for themselves as the fun “club clown.” They might do the helicopter, slide or azonto to make you a laugh, but inside they wish they could effortlessly sway their hips to the beat like their friends.

 

3. The Awkward Guy/Girl Who’s Trying Not To Look Uncomfortable.
Unlike the HOT Guy/Girl, this person knows they can’t dance, but for the sake of their friends or their significant other or their pride, they make a half-hearted attempt. Steer clear of them, they are prone to random fist pumping and jerky movements. They are responsible for most accidental spilt drinks, and they account for about 60% of people at any given club.

 

4. The Hot Girl/Guy Who Sucks At Dancing But No One Has The Heart To Tell Them.
He/she looks like John Allan Namu, like Tero Mdee , but the person dances like Kajairo. I’m sure as hell not telling anyone anything. Are you?

 

5. The Couple Who Might Be Having Sex On The Dance Floor.
Dancing at a crowded club can be kind of stressful–it’s hot, sweaty, people are pushing, throwing elbows–so when you spot an empty corner of the dance floor, you always wanna rush there and claim it as your dance territory. BEWARE: that corner is empty for a reason. There’s probably a suspicious substance on the floor. OR there is a couple humping each other against the mirror, and there will soon be a suspicious substance on the floor.

 

6. The Girl’s Night Out/Birthday Girls/Bachelorette Party.
Composed of 5 to 20 women. Once this group hits the dance floor, every member merges into one feathered, sequined creature that winds and steps to the beat in unison and screams “This is our sooooong!” about EVERY song. Steer clear.

 

7.The Aggressive Song Requester.
APPARENTLY this person doesn’t have access to a car OR home radio, own an iPod, a smartphone or mp3 player of some sort. Because their ONLY goal when going clubbing is to dance right next to the DJ booth, screaming requests for ONE particular song over, and over, and OVER. But what’s usually so baffling is these people are never requesting some obscure Ukoo Fulani Mau Mau track they really want to hear for at least ONCE IN THEIR LIFE in the club. They always want to hear the biggest pop/dance track of the moment. “Play ‘Starships’! Play ‘Starshiiiiiiiips’!” Chic, wait 10 minutes. “Starships” WILL be on the playlist. And it has nothing to do with your annoying persistence.

 

8. The Person Who’s Dancing To Their Own Song/”White” Dancer
This person is alone, eyes closed, so feeling it, gyrating to a rhythm that no one else can hear. A well educated guess says that riddim is called “E****y”, but you really can never be sure. Maybe they genuinely have no sense of rythym!

9. The “Look! We’re Lesbians….. Except Not Really!!!!!”
Believe it or not, just grinding with your girls used to be a SURE way to grab attention on a crowded dancefloor. Then “Bend-Over” came out and now you’ve gotta engage in some SERIOUS PDA to even get noticed. Men out there, don’t worry, there are always a few desperate teens prepared to rise to the challenge.

 

10. The Roving Grinder.
Ah yes, everyone’s “favorite” club attendee. This guy roams around the dance floor, casually bobbing his head to the music in between grinding on random women. It’s not too clear if his goal is to set a personal grinding record, or if he’s actually a misguided hopeless romantic who believes that someday one of his victims will turn around, look into his expressionless eyes and say, “I love when creepy strangers rub their penises on my back. Let’s start a relationship.”