Perhaps most unsurprisingly,Robert Alai Onyango,the self-professed techie,coder (whatever that is),blogger,crusader of human rights and virulent anti-Government activist has thrown his hat in the ring,and declared his interest to vie for the Embakasi West Parliamentary seat come 2017.
This is not an announcement he had to call a glitzy press conference to make. He didn’t have to expressly issue out an official statement on the issue. He,like always,banked on social media to drive the narrative home by uploading several photos of himself meeting with Governor Kidero (a man he has spent copious amounts to time castigating savagely) and also immersing himself into the politics of his neighborhood in Nyayo Estate,attempting to emerge as the voice of the neighborhood before spreading out his tentacles to be the chosen voice and representative of the entire Constituency.
No one is shocked that Robert Alai harbored political ambitions. This is a man who had carved out a notorious career bottom-feeding on political scandals and locking horns with pretty much every City and village politician.
A man who acts like the de facto CORD spokesman and a man who has notoriously bashed the last three regimes with the potency of a jilted lover.
Alai is no Kenyatta fan. That we all know. And as far as Raila goes,in Alai, you find the staunchest and most unapologetic supporter (even fanatic) who swears by the name of the son of Jaramogi.
Superficially,Alai appears like quite the clean gentleman,not messed up or riddled with the filth and murk typically associated with Politicians. He’s all cool,straightforward,very level-headed,quite passionate about proper governance and very opposed to illicit political deals and corruption.
And that alone might be his first undoing. Among many others.
Alai seems to have,finally,matured as a figure that can be taken seriously were he to vie for a seat. After many years in the bunkers of political blogging,and endless Court duels and random incarcerations,Alai seems to have grown the teeth needed to weather the very volatile situation that Politics quite is.
And to many,it seems like a prayer answered and surely,his biggest supporters and fans cannot wait for the man to go for the seat. They’ve been urging him on on Facebook endlessly.
But let’s face it,Robert Alai Onyango Is Unelectable. Period.
Say what you may but the blogger doesn’t have a snowballs chance in hell of assuming office. And there’s a myriad of very solid reasons for that.
Number one,
1. He’s too ‘Clean’ For Politics
Kenya is NOT famous for the most squeaky-clean politicians. If anything,Kenya is notorious for having some of the most violent,uncouth,toxic,genocidal,criminal and unscrupulous men in politics. Half of the gentlemen in Parliament right now are hardened political criminals with some of the most dubious reputations and the shaddiest of personalities. Very few are clean and fettered. Alai seems to be the Kenyan politician anti-thesis. He doesn’t possess the dirt and the scum needed to be a politician. He’s virulent, alright but that’s just online. He isn’t as vocal,fluent and ready to get into the mud fight as half of his opposers would be. Kenya hates clean politicians. That’s why Peter Kenneth’s and Mohammed Abduba Dida’s presidential bids couldn’t just take off. We like them dirty and deadly.
2. Financial Muscle
You don’t run an election by banking on Google adsense. Elections, especially in Kenya, are a purely financial affair. You’ve got to have some very deep pockets to win seats around here. And this is not Alego – Kisumu we are talking about. This is Embakasi West – a seat smirk in the middle of Nairobi. And an area that has produced some of the toughest and wealthiest political honchos. You don’t run an election on a Toyota 110. You need an army of roaring range rovers to impress the masses in this town. You need to buy out the masses and spend a fortune. You need to dig deepest into your pockets. And we all know Alai isn’t worth the chair you’re sitting on. He’s going to be facing off stiff competition from Babu Owino,for instance. And let’s not pretend we don’t know Babu’s financial wizardry. With Alai’s frail bank account,he’s already lost the marathon.
3. Poor People Skills
Alai has zero people skills. He can barely construct a sentence in public and those who know Alai will tell you that he’s a very private,silent and shy individual in person. He lacks the oomph,the charisma,the chutzpah,the cadre,the mettle and the charm to be a politician. Don’t be fooled by his online proficiency. In person,Alai is as good as dead. He’s cold, unengaging,weird,incoherent,private and rather silent. He’s absolutely pathetic at human relations and we are told he’s mostly a very lonely individual. He’s got zero skills at forming alliances and keeping them. He’s a one-man battalion. And a very weak battalion at that.
4. Lack Of Networks
This one is related to what we’ve just dissected above. Alai is not a man of the people and a man in favor of forging alliances and keeping them. He’s mostly a man who prides in his own assumed intelligence and a man notorious for biting the hand that feeds him. Political alliances and networks also demand secrecy and an ability to corporate even in shady deals something that Alai seems irredeemably incapable of. Alai seems like the fellow that will sell you out in a minute and publish all of your political secrets out to the public by Sunday afternoon. No one would trust Alai in their circle. Not politicians. He’s not the type to keep dirty underhand deals or himself. Not even the type that would want to be associated with them. His political network is in shambles. And that’s a sign of a dessicated campaign machine.
5. Internet Popularity Does Not Equal Voter Popularity
If there’s a duo that quite understands this particular fact,it’s Martha Wangari Karua and Peter Kenneth. Prior to the 2013 General Elections,none of all the Presidential candidates had the sort of Internet popularity that the twosome enjoyed. Long before the actual elections,Peter Kenneth had already been crowned President on Facebook. And Martha had already been inaugurated as the First Female President on Twitter. Both had fanatically crazy supporters on social networks. But then the day of truth came. And it quickly emerged that 90% of the chaps on the Internet weren’t even registered voters. Just a bunch of crazed fanatics swept away by the euphoria. Kenneth and Karua,both brilliant politicians and highly Honorable individuals,went on to perform dismally at the ballot. Alai needs to remember that. He could be the King of Twitter. But that should not blind him into thinking that the popularity extends to the voters – not unless it does. It’s one thing to use your space on Kahawa Tungu analyzing the sexual relationships of politicians. And another thing to actually win an election. Vying for a seat is not like running a Gynecological clinic.
6. Arrogance
You need a special kind of drug to match Alai’s infamous arrogance. Those who have had the misfortune of interacting with the man will tell you of what a viscerally arrogant man Alai is. This is a man who imagines he’s a god. And likes to operate like one. Unlike his number one nemesis Uhuru Kenyatta,a man of great humility and charm,Alai isn’t the type to impress the masses. He’s the type to scorn the masses and even insult them to their faces. He seems very impatient and impertinent. Very aloof and churlish. Not even his Idol Raila Odinga is that mannerless. Masses cannot be won over by a nasty attitude and a yawning bank account. You can’t lack all the essentials of a City politician and still get elected.
Unlike Mike Sonko,Hon. Waititu and even the likes of Bishop Wanjiru and Hon. Shebesh,Alai lacks the ingredients that bake the cake called City Politician.
No charm. No money. No charisma. No public relations skill. No connections. No networks. No political will. No scandal . Not an iota of skill.
Just a malevolent Twitter account. Good luck,brother. You need it.
