Month: August 2012

And this was clarification coming from the horse’s mouth. and this addresses the article i wrote about them being in a relationship which you can find here.

Well, according to the comely lass, she and Holy Dave have been friends from back when and share a deep connection as a result. They often jam together.

Having established the sort of relationship they enjoy -platonic ofcourse- she went on to address the kiss in question. Said kiss was simply a peck, nothing more.

I am a man of honour and i was raised to admit when i am wrong and apologise for that. From where i stood, my line was vision wasn’t the best. With that said, my apologies to both Holy Dave and Tina Kagia for the fact and any inconveniences caused thereafter.

 

The Fanta Back To School Carnival will take place on the 1st of September at Simba Club in Kisumu between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. All you need is two Fantas to gain entry into the event.

Besides the performances, the event will feature other activities including rodeo bull, velcro wall, bouncing castle, bungee jumping among other fun activities.

Performing at the back-to-school event will be some of the most in demand artistes in the local music industry right now. They include rapper and entrepreneur Octopizzo, singer, fashion designer and model, Avril, Genge rapper, Mejja and Nebulazz.

The Nokia Don’t Break the Beat East Africa finals will take place on the 1st of September at Club Ichonic (formerly Club Barn) off Ngong’ Road (Racecourse) from 8:00 p.m.

Artistes in the line-up are Bamboo, Keko, Madtraxx, Mwana FA, Octopizzo and STL. The DJs spinning at the show include DJ Joe Mfalme and DJ Creme. The winner of the freestyle battle will get a grand prize of Kshs. 250,000.

Entrance to the event will be charged at Kshs. 800 in advance and Kshs. 1,000 at the gate. The tickets can be found at Fox cinema outlets in Capital Centre, Kenya Cinema, Sarit Centre, IMAX XX Century and at Nakumatt Lifestyle. Online, they can be found at ticketmasters.com.

What happens when one of the most talented all round artistes in the country hooks up with one of the best rappers to come out in the last couple of years?

Dora is making big steps way before she even becomes legal. The 17-year old rapper, singer, producer is already collaborating with well respected rappers in the industry in only her second track.

She features Khaligraph Jones on her sophomore single, The Anthem, which is one of the tracks from her upcoming mixtape, Dare tO dReAm. Last week, she released the mixtape’s intro in preparation for The Anthem. Check it out here.

The Anthem was produced by Dora herself and Arnold Omodho, with writing by the performers, Dora and Khaligraph. The song samples a bit from the Kenyan national anthem, done by Sanjei courtesy of the Kenyan Anthem Commission.

Dare tO dReAm comes out next month. The new release has already reached its download threshold, but you can still have a listen to The Anthem below.

Camp Mulla have grown from strength to strength with their latest achievement seeing them getting signed by Safaricom Live.

But what i don’t get is how they have managed to be this successful when they have done some risky songs about weed. Don’t get me wrong, i like the fact that they are keeping it real and doing fun songs about topics alot of cool kidz can relate with but this is Kenya -a nation as conservative as it is beautiful!
Avril had to lay low like an envelope after pictures allegedly of her surfaced on the internet and did the rounds. Yet these guys come out of their risky moves stronger than ever and with an even more loyal fanbase.
It seems that irrespective of the nature of risks they take on and irrespective of the level of risk the moves they make have, they come out unscathed.

{youtube}W-dZV0T2kO8{/youtube}

 

Think about it, the photos of Avril were not conclusive proof of anything in this age of photoshop yet she took such a beating over them and Camp Mulla do a track such as “S.O.S” but they still nail endorsement deal after endorsement deal.

And here i was thinking Kenya is a truly conservative nation! I guess Camp Mulla have struck the balance between controversy and poking fun at society.

 

Top of the morning my good people! This gloomy morning, Ghafla is here to put a smile on your faces with these 10 things you should know.

#1 These 5 radio presenters are as ridiculous as they come and you love that about them. Check out who made the cut and why here.

 

#2 Ever wondered what where you love raving says about you? Well, Uncle Chim Tuna tells you right here.

 

#3 Jalango sued KTN and then what? Find out whether he won or not and how much was at stake right here!

 

#4 Congratulations are due to Xtatic after she was voted Iggy Artiste by MTV! Read more here.

 

#5 Kenyan public figures denied twitter verification. And by public figures i mean the top-a-de-top who-is-who but twitter isn’t having it! Find out who we’re talking about.

 

#6 Have you ever wanted to feature in a music video of international standards? Bamzigi was shooting his at Kikoy Culture.  Find out more here.

 

#7 Chiwawa turned enterprenuer on us and unleished his brand of mineral water. Details here.

 

#8 Kenyans have a long way to go musically and i have offered some advice on what they can learn from us Nigerians. If you’re a budding artiste or an industry player, this is a must read.

 

#9 These are the most annoying peculiarities associated with 1 hit wonders. Find out what you have in common with the rest of Kenya’s many 1 hit wonders.

 

#10 Pic of the day was one Anto Neosoul so out of element it was funny! Check it out here! Some of that Anto Neosoul Maasai swag!
And now that you know, act like you know and keep it Ghafla!

know and keep it Ghafla!

Usually, Kenyan artistes get into safer and obvious ventures like clothing lines and music studios when it comes to diversifying business. Chiwawa has ventured into a business that even giants like the Homeboyz entertainment group failed at. The rapper has introduced a new mineral water brand.

Chiwawa’s Minerva is the newest entrant in the crowded mineral water market. In Greek and Roman mythology, Minerva was the godess of wisdom, and has been associated with water in some of the stories.

Chiwawa broke into the music industry in the mid 2000s after a series of diss tracks directed at Kenyan artistes, the most famous ones being against the members of the hip hop group, Kleptomaniacs. He later went on to become a successful mainstream artiste. The rapper is currently in the middle of a comeback after a break.

I can’t think of any other local artiste who started a mineral water brand. Internationally, the most successful one has to be 50 Cent’s venture with Vitamin Water.

Safaricom Live is back, now rebranded as the Niko Na Safaricom Live Tour. This edition features only six artistes, who are slated to perform in nationwide concerts. Niko Na Safaricom Live tour features an eclectic mix of artistes from hip hop stars, singers, a gospel artiste and a comedian emcee. The six are:

Camp Mulla
Jimmy Gait
Size 8
Sauti Sol
Jaguar
Jalang’o

The first series of concerts takes place around the Meru area, with the very first one taking place on the 27th of August. The Meru leg will end with a concert at Kinoru Stadium on the 8th of September.

How do you know your media house is in the ditch? When you keep leaking news anchors? When the only conversations online about you are about your set’s low standards? Or is it when artistes don’t want their images to appear on your network?

In this fame-hungry society, it’s surprising to see artistes fighting to keep their mugs from a national broadcaster. Jalang’o, Otoyo and Mshamba successfully obtained a court order against KTN, barring the ratings southbound network from using the comedians’ images to promote an upcoming comedy show.

Initially, the three were to appear on a KTN comedy show, but eventually shifted to another one on Citizen. But KTN still wanted to use their images in the promos, prompting Kenya Kona Group to move to court over the issue. KTN is expected to file its reply on the 27th of this month.

And once again, the weekend is upon us.

And where shall you be spending your’s hmm? Have you ever thought what the club you frequent says about you?
I bet you will be at Changes aye? And you there, Scratch is your plan right? And your girlfriend wants you to go to Skylux right? Classy one that!
Well, Uncle Chim Tuna is here to tell you what the joint you’re at says about you. Let’s get right into it shall we?

 

Liddos
Ye are a pervert but a proud perv at that! Keep the struggle amongst other things strong! Perhaps you’ll live to see Kenya adopt strip clubs as a national heritage.

 

Scratch
You must be one upstanding gentleman aren’t you? And you have a penchant for letting bouncers touch you in all the wrong places in the name of a security check. Cavity searches anyone?
If you’re a lass, you are into getting groped by random hairy men and/ or having men grind on you after stealthily creeping up behind you. You i am afraid are the epitome of ratchet. But don’t worry, you’re in good company at Scratch.

 

Riviera
You are on a budget but you respect yourself enough to have a good time when you go out. You enjopy good music, dancing and ok service.
If you are a lass, i would ask you to marry me because you understand that not everyone has money but you stick by your safara lad. Sadly, Uncle Chim Tuna is not the marrying type.

 

Tribeca
Where have you left your wife? And how did you get all that Viagra without being in possession of a prescription hmmm? And as Nali said, stop eye-rap*ng that lass by the counter you old man!
If you’re a lass, you are a downright disgrace! How dare you try to party at a retirement home hmmm? For shame! I can’t wait for schools to open again young one!

 

Galileos
You enjoy a good party almost as much as you enjoy fighting! And the bouncers love to indulge you. So by all means Rocky, go out and have another epic fight. And to think you are old enough to become a politician!
If you’re a lass, i won’t even talk about you! I fear your boyfriend will think i’m trying to get fresh get physical.

Champagne Bar
I’m shocked you even know what i’m talking about! You my good man have exquisite taste& the money to back it up. And ofcourse you are used to people catering to your every whim.
If you’re a lass, same thing applies.

 

Molly’s
You’re a cheap one with no shame! You came out to get hammered and you aren’t taking any prisoners! And i am with you right on the money. You have a sense of humour cos you can afford the best but you want time out with the lads. Bromance! *grunt*
If you’re a lass, where’s your boyfriend at cos he dragged you here! Although lasses here always look good!

 

Changes

Nuff sed!

 

Skylux
You have lots of money but no taste. Yeah you can pop them bottles at V.I.P but you do not have the class required to know that the waiters should wait on you hand and foot at the prices your paying!
Either that or you just want to party with the stars and are willing to pay an arm and a leg just to feel like a celebrity.
The lasses come out all decked for all that red carpet treatment but these are the type to waste a lad’s time. They mistake snobbery for sophistication.

Volar
You are clearly from the upper echelon and you want to party with other people whose parents are in your parent’s tax bracket so you are willing to go bundu-bashing just to do so.
The lasses here know a thing or two about style and they are always dressed to the nines! You my dear have style and class and a really short dress on. The security is also above par so you don’t have to worry about myopic lads harrassing you.

Brew Bistro
Brew dudes have money and taste but sadly, not enough to get them the Champagne Bar. But they are working their way there. These guys are laid back and have sidi to spare.
If you are a lass, you have style and grace and you kcan afford to have fun in a truly safe and tasteful environment.

 

Nairobi West Mall
You work hard for your’s and you aren’t about to do an insane thing like spend 10,000/- on a bottle short of it being a bottle of water from the fountain of infinite wisdom!
You are a predictable and boring one but you do know how to have the odd good time.

 

So you thought you didn’t have a reason to attend Kikoy Culture? You thought that wouldn’t be your cup of tea? WELL, Bamzigi is here to give you a reason to THINK AGAIN!

Ghafla has obtained the scoop, straight from Bamzigi himself, that the principal photography for his latest release “Mutumia Murugi” is being shot at Kikoy Culture Music Festival this Saturday, 25th August 2012. 

 

Listen to the track below.

 

So the stakes just got raised. It’s not just about the music, its not just about DJ Dinka, its not just about the amazing line-up, its not just about the Kikoy-culture, but its also about your image. Make sure the cameras don’t catch you sleeping! 

 

 

Get the weekend party started right! “Last night we made a moooooooo-vie!”

The Nigerian music industry is way ahead of the pack and even the closest rivals SA have been blown out of the water.

And here we are strictly speaking matters financial. But even on the musical front, we are superior to the rest but i digress.
How is it that Nigerians whose music has such humble beginnings have artists earning more than just a living from their talents? Nigerian acts of reknown aren’t eking out a living like their Kenyan contemporaries and only one word aptly captures the reason for this schism: maturity.
The Kenyan entertainment industry is awash with talent but no real professional direction ergo most artists end up having to take on a 9 to 5. And why is this the case given that there actually is money in the entertainment industry with Safaricom and Airtel pumping in shillings?
Well after a careful annalysis of the situation, Uncle Chim Tuna has come up with a short but incisive list of parallels of where Kenya falls short of the maturity that Nigerians have when it comes to anything entertainment oriented.

Camaraderie
For starters, Nigerians work as a unit. The crab in a basket mentality doesn’t come into play.
When the have issues, they resolve them amongst themselves and very few acrimonious disagreements occur. D’Banj and Don Jazzy’s is a prominent example of the more unfortunate.
However, more often than not, when a nigerian rises, he lifts up another. Are you hearing me Kriss Darling?

Professionalism
The second thing is that in Nigeria, there is a structure that rivals America’s. From the artist to A&Rs to the Record stations these guys have there game on lock. In Kenya, i dare say that save for Prezzo no one else has a stylist. And while some celebrities have good taste and music, they lack musical direction so they end up doing music for 10yrs but never break out into the rest of Africa?
D’Banj hassled then made it and a company was built around him.

Embrace new artists and ideas
Nigerians embrace new music aslong as it’s that fire. Kenyans do the exact opposites. Care to challenge me on that? Have you heard of Coola Gang? HypePack? Kanja? Teflon Crew? Khaligraph Jones? Or how about DORA? Of course you haven’t because mainstream media keeps these guys buried rather than uplift them. Camp Mulla by far Kenya’s most prolific act at the moment had to circumvent the old media to get heard now everyone wants a piece.

Young people should run entertainment
In Kenya, right from the top, the Minister in charge of youth affairs is old. his advisers are old. Radio owners are old and they hire old people to run the stations. Radio presenters save for afew have an old mentality.
The record execs in Kenya are old and yet they are meant to be relevant in a dynamic and fast-paced young industry? How? They can’t even keep up with their own thoughts! They don’t even engage something known as “trend spotters”. Who? Of course you don’t know who they are!
A trend spotter is a guy tasked with identifying emerging trends.

 

Think about it  my good people! Then again, this is just my humble opinion.

How do you get your twitter account verified? It seems preposterous that there is apparently no official way for public figures and celebrities to get their twitter accounts verified (other than paying).

One of the most prominent people on the twitter verse in Kenya, Jeff Koinange, has a solid 103,000(aprox) -the highest number of twitter followers in Kenya-. He trends in Kenya at least once a week when his daily show “The Bench” comes on. He is active on his twitter, clearly using his handle himself (along with his PR team). So I fail to understand why Wyre, whose @WyreDaLoveChild is a comparatively inactive handle, and has significantly less followers has a verified account. Yet other publicly recognised personalities : Jeff Koinange, David Rudisha, Peter Nduati, Robert Alai etc do not have that blue checkmark cloud to the left of their names. No offense to Larry Madowo, STL or Wyre, but I do believe there are bigger BRANDS than those two men and that lady in Kenya right now.

 

 

 

 

Well, apparently, getting a verified account can be a little tricky today, but it wasn’t always so.

Verification is displayed to inform other users that the identity of the Twitter user is real and authentic. To distinguish between the actual person and impersonations/parody accounts

Verification program first started in 2009. Back then, any user could openly apply for a verified account. Unfortunately, Twitter phased out the anyone-can-apply method and now hands out verification badges on a case by case basis.

The problem arises because nobody knows anymore how Twitter accounts are actually awarded verification status. Twitter has refused to provide details on how they go about verifying the identity of the person or business of a verified account.

I believe there are many Kenyan public figures that deserve verification. And for only a handful of our public personalities to be verified is glaring proof that this “pick-and-choose” method is not working. Meanwhile some people’s dogs are getting verified because their owner will spend 15,000$ on twitter ads over a period of three months.

What action can we take as twitterverse to see more of our public figures and big brands who actively tweet get verified? Some have suggested sending a tweet or direct message to Twitter’s official @verified account expressing your need for a verified account. However, this account has only one tweet from March of 2010, so who knows whether or not the replies and messages are being read and monitored by Twitter staff.

You could also try sending an e-mail to Twitter through their contact page, but I doubt a verification badge would appear on your account within days. Twitter probably receives thousands upon thousands of such emails a day.

So pretty much, we are back at square one. There is no clear way for users to apply at the moment.

If there’s no application process, how do accounts get verified? Some users find that their Twitter accounts get verified automatically (Raila Odinga, Martha Karua). Twitter has admitted that they proactively verify accounts according to the tweets, personality behind the account, number of followers they attract and how many other users may try to impersonate the account/set up fake accounts.

Well in that case, we hope twitter verifies Prezzo, David Rudisha, Jeff Koinange, KTN Kenya, Ghafla Kenya, Daily Nation, Erik Hersmann just to name a few.

 

Do you agree? Should we start a petition? Are they being denied due verification? Which other Kenyan’s twitter account to you believe should be verified by now? Sound off in the comments and let us know.

With the official Kenyan festival season here, many of us are gonna be spending our weekends rolling around in icky mud camping in the beautiful outdoors at a festival this weekend. As a seasoned festivarian, I would love to share my list of essentials that you will need to have a great, trouble-free time at your festival of choice:

ITEMS YOU MUST CARRY.

 

BOTTLED WATER. If festivals let you bring your own drinking water, do it, as water tends to be overpriced inside the gates. If the festival doesn’t allow outside beverages, you can usually bring your own reusable water bottle and fill up at a tap somewhere inside.

LIPBALM/CHAPSTICK. (YES for dudes too.) Any sort of chapstick will do. Better yet, Vaseline. You will be surprised how sad you can be with dry lips.

SUNGLASSES. For obvious reasons. The laser show at night!

PANTS & HOODIE. Keep it simple. Its hot during the day, but cold at night….

FLIP-FLOPS & SNEAKERS/BOOTS. Sneakers/boots for the partying and extreme dancing. Flip-flops for the improptu showers in the middle of nowhere.

MINT STRIPS. Cuz lets face it, you will lose your toothbrush. And no-one ever wants to have that “Eish, your breath seriously stanks.” conversation.

FLASHLIGHT/HEADLAMP. Serious dork factor, but they will be really convenient (flashlight strap around your head on an elastic band) when searching for stuff at night, for nighttime Port-O-Loo trips (the scariest thing ever), for seeing your cup and mixer when mixing drinks, for setting up your sleeping space and all sorts of other things.

TOILET PAPER AND/OR BABY WIPES. No one ever wants to admit to this, but every seasoned festivarian knows to bring a couple of rolls of Velvex from home. Port-O-Loos run out of toilet paper pretty quickly and the replacement rolls are usually the super-thin, super-scratchy, wipe-fifteen-times variety. You might need this to take a “hoe-bath”/“passport”/”hippie-bath” too. Or after a trip to the porta-potty. Suck up the shame and carry them. You’ll be glad you did,was glad to have with me.

TINY FIRST AID BAG. Throw in some pain-killers, some Imodium, a couple Elastoplasts and a disinfectant. That’s all you need. Searching for emergency care at festival grounds is usually more of a hassle than just stuffing these four things somewhere in your bag.

CAMERA. You can’t go to a music festival without your camera! Some festivals have rules about what types of camera you can bring (no movie cameras, etc.), but every outdoor festival lets you take snapshots. Make sure at least one of your friends has a camera on hand. Sidenote: it’s generally in poor taste to snap flash photos while a act is on stage, so turn your flash off at night.

PORTABLE COOLER. Some festivals don’t allow coolers, some do. There’s nothing quite like a chill beer on a nice festival afternoon. If you’re staying for more than one day, they can easily hold left over food too(pizza, chicken) and the long coolers can also double up as a bench.

MASAI SHUKA/KIKOY. Perfect for sitting on, wearing, blankets, ponchos, shade. The versatile African shuka/kikoy is a staple at every festival. 

BACKPACK. Between a cooler and your backpack, you will be carrying just about everything you need for the entire festival. [Ladies, don’t pack your things in a purse/sling handbag. It just isn’t practical at a festival; it’s tough on your back and they generally don’t hold as much as you need. Carry a purse as an accesory, not as your bag.]

 

ITEMS YOU SHOULD LEAVE AT HOME

1. Indian feather chief/Pocahontas headdress (I have seen too many disasters in this)

2. Flannel shirt (NO)

3. Gladiator sandals

4. Body/face paint (sweating + body paint = smelly hipster creature)

5. Kanye-West-esque glow in the dark sunglasses. ( are they even sunglasses? What are those things? Seriously…..)

5. Babies (seriously, I’ve seen babies there. HUH???)

6. Frugalness – just come to terms with it, you’re going to spend way much more money than your strict budget.

7. Your Sony DSLR &?*@^#!!%*?@&;£^)#&£%^&^* camera – I’m sure there is a good reason you had to name all the letters and numbers in your one-of-a-kind camera (like I care). So yes, leave it at home. Your paranoia is completely warranted. Your camera will definitely explode.

Tuface Idibia and Papa Wemba amongst those set to perform at the airtel Finals.

 Papa Wemba, Ay and Tuface Idibia are amongst the stars tapped by Airtel to perform over the weekend in Nairobi at the Airtel Rising Stars Concert. The concert set to go down at City Stadium will also feature Daddy Owen and will make the conclusion of the Airtel Rising Stars Africa Soccer Tournament.

Come out in droves to enjoy the celebration of Pan-African music and continental football from some of the lads who will undoubtedly become africa’s next footy superstars! And just as a special treat for footy lover but Manchurians especially: Airtel has managed to land a visit to the country by none other than Peter Schmeichel so you know this will be a big ting!

Battle of the Dance crews pits the best crews against each for supremacy on the dancefloor. The event takes place this Saturday, the 25th of August at Nairobi Cinema between 1:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. Entry is Kshs. 150 advance and Kshs. 200 at the gate.

Between the dance battles, performing on that afternoon will be Eko Dydda, Kevoh Yout and Willy Paul, DJ Slim Sufficient and DJ Joelz. The theme for the inaugural event is Spread Love, Stop Tribalism. Tickets are available at Nairobi Cinema Shop and Nairobi Sports House.

Check out the list of dancers battling it out:

Saints
Reloaded
Priesthood (PHD)
Zionist
DSI
Shrink
BGP
Kristoholics
Dice
Spartans
Spydaz
Flamerz
Kipaji Fiti
Fantagious
FGT
Platinum
Al Pachino
Random
Tremaz
Flava
GSF
Intruders
D-Cerian
Mashid
Flip-Its
G-Clef
Xploders
Rockers

Kikoy Culture, Exoreality, Rift Valley Music Festival…. Seems like festival time is upon us again!!! Whichever one you are going to, READ THIS FIRST!

1.Purchase tickets in advance
Its always cheaper to get advance tickets. Also, a lot of people will face disappointment at the gate. Festivals DO get sold out. So avoid the heartache. And this may seem like its basic, but: DON’T FORGET TO BRING YOUR TICKETS IN WITH YOU!

 

2.VIP Isn’t Worth It
It will be pretty nice, not nearly as packed as the open area. But energy of the people there sucks AND they still sell booze and water for full price. You paid all that money and you don’t even get a discounted rate?! Meh. You’ll probably find a way to sneak into VIP by the second day anyway.

 

3.Sneak in what you can
Stock up on liqour on your way there. Baggy pants, stuffing your shoes, “under-the-balls” trick. They will pat you down, so don’t over do it though. And put them in areas they aren’t going to touch like your crotch or shoes.( you’ll have a blast!!! -except for drinking ball-infused vodka for the rest of the night-). 

 

Not sure what you can pack, what you should pack, where to even start? Read this: The essential checklist for a festival for some tips.

 

4.Be prepared to pay for just about everything.
Parking, service, camping, water, merchandise, you will pay for EVERYTHING. Carry money for yourself. At festivals its every man for himself. (Girls, festivals is not the time for chivalry, you need to be free to buy yourself some water or lunch whenever you want to.) Leave your money sense at home. No one wants to hear you moaning about how much you’ve spent already. We are spending it too.

 

5.Make friends with security
BUT remember that they are not your best friends. They could throw you out in an instant. You can’t trust those dudes. But you can’t function without them! [I know its some sort of big thing at some festivals to bottle the stage acts… DO NOT DO THIS! You will either get thrown out, or karma will make sure YOU get hit by a stray bottle.]

 

6.Toilets 
Familiarize yourself with all the toilet locations when you first arrive. Pack your own rolls of toilet paper, a mini bottle of hand sanitizer and a travel pack of baby wipes. Sounds lame but you’ll thank us later.

 

7.Be Careful What You Drink

a)With friends: You WILL run out of drinks, and bottled water will be ridiculously over priced.You and friends will probably start passing drinks back and forth. Problem: after drinking all weekend you will all return home with a horrible phlegm-y coughs and feeling awful.

Watch your alcohol consumption. It is easy to overdo it when with friends in that atmoephere, but ALWAYS be coherent enough to be safe.

b)With Strangers: Come on. Strangers? At a festival? Spike much?

*DON’T FORGET TO STAY HYDRATED. DRINK ENOUGH WATER!*

 

8.Always Pick Up/Hang Out with/Talk to strangers.
With the exception of the above rule, forget all your apprehension when it comes to strangers. When trying to find your way around, a grunt and “SONGA!” from a KK security guard won’t help much. Some random guy/girl walking by might be headed to the same place. Ask. Chat. Chill. Later you will find their friend brought hookah. Cool! Let’s go smoke some. Well what do you know! You’ve got some fun friends! (and the circle goes on and on) Don’t be shy, PICK EM UP!!!! When you start missing your friends again, get up go on your merry way! Be a social mingler/butterfly.

 

9.Don’t forget to eat
Not eating equals starvation. This equals getting drunk too easily, which equals passing out too quickly, which equals missing half the festival.

 

10.Decide on a check-spot as soon as you get there

Arrange a meeting point in case you get separated from your friends. Agree to have at least one person walk by there say, mmmmm…. every two hours. Your cell service will NOT work. That is a guarantee. Safety in planning kids!

 

11.Get into the spirit of the event.
Dress up(kikoy culture), use makeup creatively, wear a t-shirt with your favourite act’s name on it. Just cuz its a festival doesn’t mean you should look washed out the whole time. You’ll be taking pics, make the effort to look good! BUT PLEASE: do NOT take a glow stick. They were never -and will never be- cool. And never will the Kanye-West-style glasses for that matter -since we are on the topic.

 

12.Leave your shirt on
Unless you’re on our top 5 lists, or are Jason Dunford/Taylor Lautner/John Allan Namu!

 

13.Check out or start some non-concert activities 
Dances, drum circles, arts and crafts vendors, body-painting, water-balling, bouncy castles… A LOT of things take place at at every festival. Start an impromptu jam, a festival musician might even join in! So don’t be afraid to carry your instrument of choice if you’re an instrumentalist(please no awkward learners though): you might just get a chance to jam with one of your musical heroes! And for those who don’t play, you still get the experience of seeing and hearing your favorite musicians cutting loose(please no awkward kumbaya/gospel clapping though).

 

14.Carry lots of empty plastic bin bags
They have many uses: You can use it to sit on, wear it as a raincoat-poncho if it rains, pee into it-desperate times-, collect your trash in it. Don’t bring chairs or stools:they block people’s view, create obstructions, and you just look douche-y. You don’t have a right to any particular space -festivals are free-for-all. You all need to be laid back/chill otherwise you’ll find the whole experience very stressful.

 

15.Wear comfortable shoes
Make sure they’re closed in. Yes ladies, no thongs, gladiator sandals, strappies and DEFINITELY no heels/wedges/stilletos. They are no good. Your shoes will get irreparably messed up, and your feet will get filthy and gross! Break out a pair of wellingtons, or all types of boots – flat, ankle length, booties, knee-length. Guys, if you’ve ever wanted to wear wellingtons without feeling like a gardener…. Now is your time too. A good pair of sneaks or Converse will serve you well too.

 

16.Don’t overpack or bring expensive stuff.
Just don’t. You don’t need that necklace, your iPod or anything else that costs a bit of money anyway. Leave them at home. They will get lost/stolen, you probably won’t get them back, and none of your friends are going to want to spend half an afternoon looking for your Folex Rolex.Take a bag that can easily stay close to your body and take only the bare essentials. Pack a magazine for those dull in-between moments when one artiste/band/DJ shifts and the next one is setting up. Or spend the time chatting with your friends. Take a roll-up sleeping bag for snoozes. Raincoats, long ponchos (or bin bags) are great (keep your bag dry too). Don’t take an umbrella: they are dangerous in a crowds it’s easy to accidentally poke somebody. Expect to get a little wet. Water won’t kill you. Pack a warm jumper in case you get cold.
Splurges should be things like sunglasses, a hat etc.

 

17.Get Good Pictures
Wear your camera with a strap/in a bag across your chest. Do not use a flash! Half the time, security gets mad when they see flashes go off. At night flashes really only illuminate the back of people’s heads that are directly in front of you not what’s on stage. And they won’t capture all the different colours going on from the amazing light displays on stage and around you. Try this trick instead: Turn your ISO (shutter speed and light sensitivity) up to 400 or even 800. You could even try as high as it goes, and see how that turns out. Then turn the EV (exposure value) setting way down, into the negative number options. It will seem pretty dark, but this is perfect for nighttime concerts. That’s it! No flash makes a HUGE difference. Your pictures will be AMAZING.

18.Try not to be too single-minded about what you do/where you stand/sit.
Part of the festival experience is being part of the crowd. If you stand at the front all day you’ll miss the interaction far back. If you never get up close you’ll miss the adrenaline. Go with the flow. See where the day takes you. Don’t get upset at missing the perfect view, or leaving your spot for the toilet or some food. Some of the best experiences are had further back in the crowd, singing and dancing with total strangers. Don’t get upset if your friends want to do things that you don’t. So much to do, so little time! You don’t have to spend the whole day together. Just always keep in mind your meet up spot.

 

19.Bring your a few of your ‘signature’/favourite snacks packed.

(Keep them in a cool place to keep whatever it is from melting yuck-muck all over your bag.) The fast food stuff will be great. But what happens when you just want your Sour Skittles, or your honey-coated nuts, or your mabuyu? Re-entry into festivals tends to be a b**ch -horridly long lines, hard-headed security, the possibility of missing your favourite act while you’re gone- when all you wanted was some Crunchie!

 

20.Have an escape plan.

At some point, something unforeseen might happen that might just make you want to get out of there as fast as you can. Whatever it might be, don’t allow yourself to get stuck in. If you feel that you need to leave, you should be able to do so in as short a time as possible. Exit plans are best planned SOLO, so that it doesn’t inconvenience the people you came with. But let someone know you’re leaving, don’t just disappear.

 

But most importantly HAVE FUN! Festivals are such a chill, relaxed fun place to spend a last weekend of a season. Go with the flow, enjoy the music, and PARTY!!!

CALLING ALL CLUBGOERS: THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!!!!

Description: Every office has its coconut on the team: That person with very opinionated(often irrational) stances, whose over the top defensiveness always make for really good office banter. He claims to be giving you sage, sound advice, but is really leading you to the abyss he/she lives in called defensive disillusion.

How To Deal: DON’T ARGUE. NOD AND SMILE.

 

Last weeks 10 TYPES OF LASSES IN KENYAN CLUBS list was quite the hit. So of course we had to do a follow up on the types of lads you encounter. Following set example above, without further ado:

 

THE TEN TYPES OF MEN YOU WILL FIND IN KENYAN CLUBS.

 

MR MARRIED GUY:

Description: This also includes men a longterm relationship (taken but available).This guy is leaning on the bar sipping a double Johnnie Walker Gold label, peering at you over his square trendy specs. He will eye rape you half the night before he makes his move. 
How To Deal: Some ladies seek the thrill of being a mistress. Some find it appalling. This is a very polarised area. Its a personal preference. The key rule is to remember: he will NEVER leave his significant other for you. With that information in hand, proceed as you wish.

 

MR OLD RICH GUY:
Description: They are usually celebrating since their most recent divorce. They lure young women to their table by using massive wealth to overcome their old age. They prefer to attract the youngest women at the club (in all awkward, almost-pedophilic glory). You can see -almost taste- the joy and desperation in their eyes as they try to impress young girls with expensive champagne and promises of trips to Mombasa, South Africa, London or wherever.
How To Deal: Stick around their tables and drink all their liquor. They are quite the harmless bunch. Pretend to be fascinated by their conversation. Once it’s time to go home Do NOT exchange numbers, do NOT have any future contact. Let “he’s old enough to be my father” be your mantra. You will be fine.

 

MR GOON:

Description: He wears his dark sunglasses the entire night. He lacks social skills and can only talk about a few topics. 

He tries to make up for this by saying random loud things that he thinks are funny as the rest of you laugh. (He doesn’t realise you laugh not because he is funny but in disbelief at how dumb and caricature-like he is.)

 

How To Deal: He is sure fabled to put it down in the bedroom for hours and leave you laying there with your freshly straighened edges sweated out. Just be ready to jump up in the morning and LEAVE. Have an exit strategy for when the neighbourhood boys come busting through the door demanding last months payments for miscellaneous things.

A goon at work doing what he does best. Clowning.

 

MR HUSTLER:

Description: He introduces himself as a rapper, producer or self-employed. Whenever an event photographer comes around he takes out his wad of cash or holds up his “platinum” necklace or puts on his “Ray Bans” and poses. He’s the only one walking around the club, in Kenya, in a black mink coat. He and his entourage will be sitting in VIP popping bottles or just straight drinking from one. But they MUST do so in a strategic area where they are are in full view of the whole club. His catch phrase is always “You and your girls want to come up to VIP?”

How To Deal:If you want to be in the limelight, this may be your chance. He may put you in a low budget video or let you be his arm piece to a few events. Just remember that you’re always replaceable. And if you care what others think, heads-up: you are just another floozy/groupie. Also be ready to deal with all his b*ll nut-hanging friends.

 

MR WILD DRUNK:

Description: The wild drunk has inhaled enough liquor to lower his standards drastically and improve his confidence to a preposterous level. Going solo is his style. When all the prime prey has been hunted, this guy is the one who creeps in to nab the leftover, less desirable females. He is easily scared off by even a whiff of an alpha male’s presence.
How To Deal: Entertain him at your own peril. His annoying, stumbling slurry speech will only get worse. Your self esteem must be on a off-chance low to attract him in the club. Exude confidence and he will disappear. Also BEWARE: This one will freeload off of “friends” tables and run out soon as the bill arrives.

MR MALE HOE:
Description: Here is a tricky one for all. This guy is often disguised as the finest thing in the club. He dresses nice from head to toe, straight white teeth, freshly cut hair, and cologne that makes you want to drop to your knees. Only problem is, the game is old. You aren’t the only one thinking/who has thought this. And he could be packing a little something extra in his pants. No, no, no. Not what you’re thinking *NSFW*. This special delivery will have you making emergency appointments to see your gynecologist. He is also known as: The Player/Rico Suave.
How To Deal: Don’t. Leave him for the older ladies/sugar mami. (Cougars and sugar mamas: If you know you won’t get hooked on how fine and seemingly perfect his physique is, go for it!)

 

MR FOREIGNER:

Description: West Africans, Sudanese or Ugandans. They are dressed better than the average Kenyan. They take pride in their gawdy designer clothes from head to toe. They brandish their tables with bottles of 

cognac (XO preferably) premium vodka, lots of mixers and a couple champagnes. They step into the club already with a group of video-model looking ladies, to the envy of all, but still openly invite more female company to their table. The more the merrier. “Banangeeee, DRINK!!!!” “ABEG, take take take!!!”

 

How To Deal: If you have nerve/confidence, this one is for you. You as well as six other ladies will be vying openly for his attention in a 6-hour “The Bachelor”-like battle. But beware of the prize for grabs: You will be promptly whisked away to a swanky hotel (yes, in your night-time clothes, in broad daylight -he will offer to buy you clothes the next day-). Yes: sex is demanded expected. He will leave the next day, and to add salt to injury, will leave a couple hundred dollars bedside and a note informing you of check out time. And just like that, you have become an esc*rt. #PrettyWomanStyle #BOOM

 

MR WINGMAN
Description: He is part of a duo, who go to the bar with the understanding that they work as a team. One of these males is more dominant and well-versed. Mr Wingman, however, will need help obtaining the attention or even approval of any woman. The dominant male relies on him to act as a buffer to keep conversation flowing (Mr. Wingman makes sure there are no awkward silences), as dominant continues to provide the drinks. Mr. Wingman is never awkward or inappropriately touchy-feely.
How To Deal: The fact that they work with a focus on symmetry (they will only seek out groups of females that equal the number in their own group) makes Mr. Wingman and his dominant friend some of the most fun people to hang out with. Just make sure you and your girl aren’t BOTH interested in the dominant friend. And if you end up talking to Mr. Wingman all night, he WILL ask for your number. Say no, and don’t feel bad… He’s probably in the friend zone with a lot of other girls too.

 

 

MR LAME:

Description: Have you ever had a guy offer to buy you a drink? Did you said yes? Did he follow you around the club the entire night hardly saying a word? If you answered yes, consecutively, to these three questions, you have encountered Mr. Lame. He hangs out with about three other guys with absolutely no style at all, watching every female that passes.Then finally one dares the other to try and talk to her. He ALWAYS nervously peppers his conversation with “So, you come here a lot?” “Umm, you want a drink when you finish that one?” “I’m just hanging out with my boys.”

How To Deal: Talk to him if you like, just beware of his immature and irritating ways. You will get tired of him very quickly and probably explode.

MR. WHERE-HAVE-YOU-BEEN
Description: He is the rarest man out there. They don’t go out much: they’re working all the time, have other things going on, or the club is just not their type of environment.He’s not even trying to be the center of attention and he still catches your eye.
How To Deal: Approach him with a simple “Hello, how are you doing?” Now this is the ONLY, I repeat ONLY man in Kenyan clubs probably worth any real time or effort. If he ends your brief meeting with a “I don’t want to keep you from your friends; here is my number. Call me when you get a chance.” he isn’t being suave. He’s actually genuinely being a gentleman. Call him. You won’t regret it.

 

If it wasn’t for the fact that these last two aren’t singular guys, they would be on the list. Nevertheless, they deserve an honorary mention:

 

THE PACK
Description: Aka ALL MOST ALL most(?) Kenyan men. Welcome to Kenya. They arrive in great numbers already aggressively drunk. They are usually of the same cultural ethnicity or have been great friends for an extensive period. You can identify a pack by the astronomically disproportionate ratio they arrive at the venue with –example 10 guys:2 girls. They often can be witnessed rubbing their bellies in a primal effort to show off their unsightly extra body fat with pride. They’ve chosen to migrate from bro-central for one reason: hopes to get laid.

How To Deal: Their target female tends be the average looking wallflower waiting for attention. (They have a codename for them: fire-brigade) When they find one of these girls, she is encouraged to bring along friends who are equally average (making it easy for the rest of the pack to feast off this hunt). They expect a girl to drink nothing else but beers with them (Tusker Lite, Smirnoff Ice also accepted). AVOID. You will have a horrible night, and will be constantly appalled/disgusted how primal men can be when in packs. #ew

THE RICH KIDS OF OLD MONEY
Description: They come into the club, fashionably late, already with a medium-small sized group -well dressed, good ratio of guys to girls- and manage to spend excessive amounts of money on any given night. If you see a sparkler parade of more than 10 sparklers, chances are you are in the presence of them. They entice women through their youthful antics, chiseled looks, naughty nature, cultured friends, effortlessly stylish appearance, carefree spending and high amount of ‘designer’ libations around them.

How To Deal: These men have women flocking to their tables on any given night and often wind up at an after party. This is a wild bunch; always down for debauchery. Have fun, but understand, unless you are on their economic/social level, you will never be more than a “Remember-that-ridiculous-night” story to them. Take comfort though, at least their driver will drop you home the next afternoon. So you can take your walk drive of shame ‘premium-style’.

House fans in Nairobi this weekend are going to be spoilt for choice. *Cue music* Exoreality presents HARDROCK SOFA. 

Exoreality is a three-day festival, kicking off on Friday August 24th, 2012 at 1800hrs to Sunday August 26th, 2012 at 0600hrs. Revelers can camp as they enjoy the best in music and entertainment from top house DJs from Kenya and across the world. Brought to you by DC10 Entertainment, he event will be headlined by Hard Rock Sofa, the critically acclaimed Russian duo known for their eccentric house mixes. DC10 seem to making good on their promise -bringing the illest parties with the biggest DJs to the country.

And here’s a fun twist: There is a theme: Light up the night with LED. House Of Electro will be onsite selling to revelers LED tshirts, shoelaces and other merchandise to keep revelers turned all the way up during the night-time sets.

The festival grounds will feature:

The DJ line up for the event:

 

DJ	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
HARD ROCK SOFA		0030-0100	0000-0200
ELEC_TRIO	2100-2200	1900-2000
FACTORY DJs	2200-2300	2200-2300
DONNACIA		0000-0030        and  2000-2100
SEAN PEEVERS		0300-0400	0400-0500
LA DAVE		0400-0500       and  2100-2200
KUMI	2300-0000		0200-0300
PROTEGE		0100-0200	0300-0400
BOOGIEMAN		0200-0300       and  1100-1200
LECTRONICA CIRCLE		1600-1700
SZESZ	1700-1800
ATRIEU		0500-0600
KOOGI			0500-0600
NOVIA		1500-1600
Y-NOT		1400-1500
DROM		1200-1300

 

Available in advance are:

• VIP All-season tickets for Kshs. 5,000 (comes with a free LED shirt and free camping pass).
• Normal All-season tickets for Kshs. 2,500 (comes with a free glow-in-the-dark beanie). 
• One-day/one-night tickets for Kshs. 1,500 (comes with a free wrist-band).

Available at the gate are:

• One-day/one-night gate tickets for Kshs. 2,000 (comes with a free beer). 

Camping passes will cost Kshs. 500 per person.

 

For more information on Exoreality, go here.