Month: December 2014

President Uhuru is bereaved; he lost his cousin, Mike Gathecha, a flamboyant businessman and car aficionado to a tragic road accident on Saturday.

Mr. Mike Gathecha, a proprietor of Juja Capital Centre passed away last Saturday when the car he was traveling in plunged into a lorry. Details emerging now indicate the fallen businessman was a cousin to president Uhuru.

Mr. Gathecha’s father, Peter Gathecha, is president Uhuru’s uncle; the deceased and the president are cousins. Following the death of Mike Gathecha, Kenyans from different walk of life have poured in their sincere condolences to the bereaved family.

Churchill sent his condolences to the commander in chief; down is what he had say:“My condolences to His Excellency the President na familia kwa jumla”

 

Caroline Mutoko has continued opening up about her private life. This time round, the radio queen was talking about moments that took her breath away in 2014.

The past September was a dark month for Caroline Mutoko; death robbed her a loving sister, Regina Mutoko. Even though losing someone is a heartbreaking experience, Caroline has ultimately decided to speak about it altogether.

“You got a 10 years old boy who loses his mom, and he loses his mom suddenly” Caroline started narrating how her nephew stunned her during the trying moment following the death of her sister. “When my nephew had to go see his mom in the mortuary, he made it clear he wanted to go in alone. He wanted to talk to his mom. It was huge!” Caroline explained.

Caroline reveals she was extremely fascinated by her nephew’s courage during the difficult time. She further discloses the 10 years old boy was the one who opened her late sister’s casket for her and placed her mom’s picture on it. “My nephew by large 2014 will be very much be defined by how big he was” uttered Caroline.

Check out the video of Caroline talking about moments that took her breath away in 2014 here:

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Urban centres will have some breathing space as congestion is expected to reduce significantly thanks to the festive season that starts off with Christmas and then the New Year.

Urban homes will be left deserted as villages receive all sorts of people, some setting foot there for the very first time, to share the festive season goodies with their beloved ones.

But one thing that is likely to happen in the villages is these scenes of middle class city dwellers visiting their rural homes, where, surprisingly, despite their posh lifestyle in the urban centres, will be met with facts of deserted and bushy homes.

This photo here is what I am talking about:

 

Christmas is a stone-throw away and many people have braced themselves for the big day. While majority are travelling upcountry to join their beloved ones for the celebrations, others are already partying out.

Machakos County Governor Dr. Alfred Mutua is the latest high profile celebrity to party with his county MCAs.

Mutua organized a wonderful party for the MCAs and believe it bulls died. So did goats and chicken.

This is the way the Christmas mood is set from Masaku:

It’s a beautiful Tuesday morning in the capital city, just eight more days remaining till we bid goodbye to 2014. Yesterday, Esther Arunga dominated headlines as Citizen TV revealed her whereabouts in Australia. Crossing over to trending stories; these are the ten items that made the cut:

#1Esther Arunga Responds to Eric Omondi’s Plea. This Was Her Disappointing Response

#2Citizen TV Receives Severe Backlash from Kenyans for Airing the Plight of Esther Arunga

#3Photos Of the Late Tycoon, Mike Gathecha

#4Ghafla Exclusive: Willy Paul’s Girlfriend Accuses Him of Strangling and Beating Her and We Have the Evidence

#5Young Tycoon And Owner Of Juja Capital Center Perishes

#6Deputy President William Ruto Colourfully Celebrated His Marriage Anniversary. But Here Is What His Wife Made Him Do (Photos)

#7Desperate Nairobi Thugs Stupidly Tried to Rob a Bulletproof BMW. What Happened Next Will Throw You Off The Chair

#8Socialite Huddah Dissapears….

#9Boniface Mwangi Angrily Spills The Beans on CORD. This is Why He Calls Them Cowards

#10In Pictures: Eric Omondi, Janet Mbugua, Kirigo Ng’arua, Willis Raburu and Other Celebs Attend Jacque Maribe’s Birthday Bash

 

Christmas is here with us. Time to party,celebrate,turn up,get loose,get crazy,spend,show love and turn shit up!

 As from tomorrow,90% of Humanity will have closed business and started the annual pilgrimage to either the village, tourist destinations or random parties to spend what they’ve toiled sooooo hard for all Year. Money is about to be spent like nobody’s business. Alcohol is about to be consumed like The World’s End. Women are about to go ratchet as hell…And villages are about to witness the arrival of thousands of city-dwellers. Nairobi will be empty. And the World is about to stand still…For 2 weeks. Here’s HOW TO SPEND YOUR Christmas. Complete list From A-Z.

 

A-A Child Is Born! A popular Chorus…Popular slogan…Popular chant1 Hail the Baby Boy!

B-BANK. You are about to witness massive massive queues of people lines up outside Bank ATMs in an attempt to withdraw that all important cash in readiness for a major party that night. Banks will see a increase of people too…there will be crowds and crowds of people in all Banks…either cashing a cheque, withdrawing, depositing, doing sooo damn much. Money is a major issue here. And Banks will be the busiest ever. Especially on 24^th Of December. Its about to get crazy.

C-CHURCH. A Kenyan Christmas is incomplete without that very important trip to the Church. Even folks who’ve long lost their faith in God or long forgotten the direction to the nearest Church will find themselves stumbling into Church, impeccably dressed. Church’s will record a stratospheric spike in the number of throngs and throngs of people vising them. Families will flock in. In humongous numbers.

D-DANCE. Nobody dances like a paid Kenyan. We looooove to dance. Anywhere and everywhere. In clubs,on cars,be the roadside, in house parties, by the street…Anywhere. And with the proliferation of Nigerian and Jamaican Dancehall tunes onto our dancefloors,expect mad scenes of mad dances. From Nairobi to Embu to Kisumu.

E-ENO. Eno is that fast-acting effervescent fruit salts, used as an antacid and reliever of bloatedness,and one of the MOST POPULAR powder-drink used by people who are suffering from a bloated stomach,constipation,uneasiness caused by food and such-like complications. And because we loooove to eat,the sale of Eno sachets will be higher than the sale of Condoms. Expect in Mombasa,Haha.

F-FOOD. Food,food,food will be everywhere. All types of food. From all homes and all corners. We are entering into a food festival. Brace Yourself. And come prepared. To eat. Hard.

G-GOD. We shall surely remember God in sooooo many ways….Because, wherever we will go, His name shall be all over the Place. It’s His Son’s Birthday, duh??! And because we shall be visiting (And staying with our Mothers) expect the mentions of God to be higher than usual. It’s a Religious Holiday, after all.

H-HOUSE PARTIES. Kenyan will do anything to throw a party. We throw a party when we are happy. And throw a party when we a sad. We throw a party when we win. And still throw one when we lose. We throw a party when we get paid. And still throw one when we are broke. We must always find a reason for a party. Especially a House Party. Expect millions of House Parties in Millions of Kenyan Homes this Holiday. Especially if it’s raining outside…And folks can’t go out to a club or sum’n.

I-Hmmmm what does I stand for?? Anyone??

J-JESUS! He is The Son Of God! And it’s His Birthday! He will Be the center of attention this whole Holiday. At least to the bigger part of the Kenyan Population. The rest will be too drunk to remember Him. Too stoned to know who He is. Or too horny to care. Mungu wasamehee.

K-KENYA BREWERIES. You know what I mean. No need to explain. Or expound.

L-LOVE. People are expected to show huuuuge huuuge love over such a holiday. Hugs will be in plenty. Kisses will flow…Gifts will be spread all across…Families will visit,Mothers will be delighted to see their beloved kids and Pastors shall spend days reminding us of the virtues of Love at this particular season. Be ready to be loved. Loved hard. Oh,and be ready to love back a brother too. No homo,though….

M-MBUZI. Nothing says a Kenyan Christmas than a trip to the local Mbuzi market in search of that fat,strong and healthy he-goat. Mbuzis will be slaughtered in huuuuge numbers. Slaughterhouses will be jammed…By throngs and throngs of people dragging along their Mbuzis ready for kuchinjwa. It ain’t Christmas yet until a Mbuzi sheds its poor blood. Just like Jesus did. How ironical.

N-NIECES AND NEPHEWS. This is that time of the Year when You get to see all those little kiddos that Your elder brothers and sisters brought to the World. These Young angels will be all over the villages…visiting Cucu and Guka and going to the local village Church,dressed like little gods and speaking that very sharp Nairobi English. They will be found allover the place. Dancing and playing and crying and looking toooo cute and tooo yummy. Bless them…

O-OKOA JAHAZI. Given that this is the time when phone calls are made incessantly and credit cards are bought almost every 30 minutes,expect the number of people pressing that very helpful *131# button to shoot up to the high skies. And given that most people will be in the villages,where shops can be really far or really under-equipped, the number of people Okoa’ing Jahazi from the Tech Giant Safaricom will hit the Millions. We all need to make phone calls. All the time. Its Christmas,Baby!

P-PHOTOS. We all loooooooooove photos. And given that we live in an age of Smartphones and dumb bitches,expect the number of selfies and family photos to just go insanely high! We will be taking photos from everywhere…In the village,in bed,in parties,on road trips,in church,with our nieces,parents,family,old friends…You are about to enter a photo-fest. Be ready. And have a killer smile. You never know where the photo will end up. You never know.

Q-QUEER BEHAVIOR. Otherwise known as Ratchetness. This is where half-schooled mortals decide to get drunk as hell and,because they are not the smartest individuals alive,or the most decorus,they decide to turn up the party by acting all queer. Dancing on tables,going nude,yelling at nothing, screaming like fools,twerking on their heads,having random sex…blah blah blah. Expect a lot of queer behavior,my friend. Aloooot of it!

R-ROAD TRIPS. Give a Kenyan a car,some money,some alcohol and friends. And the next thing You will hear is “Roadtrip!” Yeaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! We love road trips. Endless ones. You shall be seeing them…driving down to the Coast or Nanyuki or Naivasha or Nakuru or Meru. There shall be endless cars on our roads…All in pursuit of that roadtrip thrill. Bring it on,Bitches!! We’re about to blow shit up!

S-SANTA. Its Christmas. And Santa is the global Christmas Ambassador. Especially for kids. “Hooo-Hooo-Hooo” here cometh the laughter!

T-TREE. As,In Christmas TREE. If You ain’t cutting down that random pine tree in the neighbourhood, to later drag it to Your house and adorn it with cards and glitters and holiday miniature dolls,then Your Christmas ain’t quite complete. But we all grew up with Christmas trees. And we shall never outgrow them. Never.

U-UTENSILS. Hakuna kitu mbaya kama kuosha vyombo za Christmas. Nothing worse!

V-VACATION. The whole meaning of Holiday is to indulge in vacations,anyway. From 3-day trips to Zanzibar,to romantic trips to Mombasa and secret rendezvous to Malindi,this is the holiday of vacations. Hotels are fully-booked. And beaches will be full as hell. Time to vacation,Baby! Kevin Hart-style.

W-WEAVES. Wait and see the amount of weaves You are about to start seeing on Kenyan female heads. Gold weaves,red weaves,long,short,cropped,curly,fresh,expensive,super cheap,crappy and poorly-installed. You will see it all!

X-X-RATED BEHAVIOR. That’s a code word for SEX. Alooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of sex! Provided you use a condom,and try to not have sex with Your friend’s girl. Or Your neighbour’s wife…It shall be well with You. Carry On…And make it sweet.

Y-YUMMY. It’s a month of sweeeeet things. Yummy things. Tasty things. Gorgeous things. From food to music to people to sodas to family,It shall all be a yummy affair! Top to bottom.

Z-ZZZZZZZZZZ. Time to sleep is here. And because You are not expected to wake up as early as You usually do,and can actually sleep all day if You wish,there will be millions of sleepy heads allover the Country. People will be waking up as late as 10am. Or 12 midday. Or not waking up at all. All day. Till January 3^rd. When they will finally report back to the jobs they pretend to love. And resume waking up at 5.30am. Urrrrgh.

Aaaaaand with those very very few remarks,(Ok,Kidding ) HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. Aaaaaand DO NOT go broke. While trying to impress…….

 

 

 

The guy that Kenyan Women voted as the ultimate Kenyan hunk ,Ian Mugoya several months ago is the Kenya Version of Kanye West. Allow me to say at this point that I don’t follow Kanye west as religiously as some of you do, however I know  several things about him that you are probably not privy to.

 Like the fact that he has 10.3 million followers on twitter and follows only one person, His internet breaking quintessensial Kim Kardashian! okay who has a Million followers and choses to follow only one person? Hasn’t he got any friends that he deems as worth enough to be followed back on Twitter? But he is Kanye West, and person of his status can follow whoever or whatever he wants. 

Now we come to the Kenyan Version of Kanye west, The Ian Mugoya, notice the use of the article “the” you only use that on really important people- He is not just any of your average riff-raff, He has attracted quite a following on Instagram but just like Kanye.. He Follows no one on Instagram.. no one.. 

 

 

I can say without a doubt that Sura Yako was one of the biggest songs this years and it catapulted Sauti Sol into the African Music Hall of fame.

It has won them countless fans and rave reviews from high-browed music critics. The song is played at weddings, birthdays, get-togethers, literally every occasion in Kenya.

Anyhow, Sura Yako is not only big in Kenya but in Tanzania too. BBA Winner Idris recently released this video of him jamming to the song with the caption “Releasing my CHAPATI album soon thatnx to Sauti Sol. Hahaha”

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Yes, it was a time when the second most powerful individual in Kenya renewed his marriage vows with his best half on Sunday in Eldoret.

Deputy President William Ruto celebrated his marriage anniversary with his wife Rachel in a colourful ceremony that was held at the Ziwa Inland African Church (AIC) in Eldoret.

Present was Ruto’s family and friends and the two cut cakes and fed each other to rekindle what they did a number of years ago when they moved in as husband and wife.

As the two fed each other, the ever smiling Deputy President could not avoid blushing as his wife made him do. That, however, did not make him avoid the cake. He ate it joyfully and did the same to his wife.

Here are some photos from the ceremony:

A group of thugs met the shock of a lifetime when their well calculated efforts of carjacking a BMW X5 failed with success.

A group of carjackers devised a way of carjacking a BMW SUV as it entered a compound; the thugs appeared to have done some research about the vehicle because their perfect timing wasn’t a coincidence at all.

Having known what time the BMW would be approaching the gate, the gang arrived ahead of the vehicle. They positioned themselves in front of the gate waiting for their prey to come to them. All this while, their gateaway motorcycles were crisscrossing all over the gate waiting for the action to happen then disappear into the oblivion.

The black BMW finally surfaced coming into a halt as the driver waited for the gate to be opened. Within few seconds, two thugs approached the vehicle from either side pointing their pistols at the driver. They tried to force themselves in the vehicle by opening the doors but they remained shut.

Noticing their victim wasn’t complying with their commands, the thugs then tried to break the windows. To their surprise, the BMW’s windows remained intact despite relentlessly trying to break it. The driver reversed the BMW and speed off from the scene.

The two thugs remained perplexed wondering how on earth their victim had successfully escaped from their jaws despite having cornered him. (They were so stupid to realize the BMW was armored.) The thugs were confused and at the same time annoyed; their efforts in planning the carjacking had gone to a terrible waste.

The carjackers quickly rushed to their waiting motorcycles and fled the scene before any alarm could be raised. (They must be cursing the owner of that bulletproof BMW.) Can’t stop laughing at the stupid thugs; anyway check out the video here:

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