Nairobi has hot women. Some have pretty faces, some have big badoinkadoinks, some have massive Tuzo tanks on their chests and some come in the complete package. However, like i read somewhere, some women are like omena, ‘unaskia kutoa kichwa ndio ukule mwili. Basically they have ugly faces but amazing bodies. Those ones are not included here. Na sio kwa ubaya. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but beholders step aside. Sisi apana tambua beholder. Let’s look at the hoods with actual beauties.
Umoja
Umoja has thousands of fine babaes. The only problem is they drink too much and speak sheng. For example, when you are shagging a chic from Umoja, she’ll surprise you with phrases ;like “Katambe….katambe……iende….iende.” When you go to visit her, she’ll tell you “Buda umeniletea mavitu leo?”
Apart from drinking and broadcasting sheng vocabulary, Umoja women are very mentally stable, and aren’t prone to psychotic outbursts. They are much more down to earth and do not suffer from narcissistic delusions of grandeur as a result.
Karen
Karen has goddesses who unscrol before you like a motion picture. At times though, you will find chics with so much lipstick you’d think it’s Peter Marangi who painted their lips with Duracoat. Worse still, It’s like most Karen girls barely even know how to boil water. A home cooked meal to them means Noodles or Spaghetti. Only the older over 30 women know their way around the kitchen. Even worse, most of them don’t like getting out of the house. Their lives revolve around home and work or home and school
South B
They aren’t too sarcastic and won’t hit you with the superiority nonsense that you get from other sophisticated chics in Nairobi. While friendliness can help turn things into something sexual, don’t automatically assume it. You have to work hard in order to get to the panties of a South B women. They are serial friend-zoners. You might treat a South B chic for months and on the day you finally want to confess your love, she tells you she is pregnant with another man and only sees you as a brother
Kahawa Wendani
It’s no surprise that they call this hood the city of angels. Chics here are as hot as my grandma’s pot. The only problem is that they have ‘cockpits’ not punanis. So what’s the difference between a girl with a ‘cockpit’ and a girl with a punani? Well, a girl with a cockpit has had so many men inside her so basically her ‘P’ is a pit for ‘c*cks’. You dig? A girl with a punani just deals with one guy at a time.
Langata
The women of Langata are super hot but super snobbish too. No wonder Langata has the highest masturbation rates for men. Pretty much every negative quality you can think of, Lang’ata women embody it—selfishness, immaturity, narcissism, fake personalities, arrogance, and anger. They tend to be extremely vindictive and they get offended over the slightest things. In short, Langata women are a real pain in the ass to be around. But if you are smart enough to handle one, you’ll experience some of the most intense bedroom pleasures known to mankind. She’ll reward you for your ability to persevere her bullshit
Donholm
This Eastlando hood has some of the hottest members of the female species. I grew up there and had the pleasure of interacting with several. Women from Dony are real and they see the world as it is. They understand sexual economics and human attraction, and their best quality by far is their thick d*ck-sucking lips, something you don’t see in other hoods..
Kileleshwa
In Kile majority of the chics are fat. Not bitter fat but sweet fat. In simpler words, they are yummy momos. What else would you expect from ladies who have been eating hotdogs and burgers ever since they were cute three year old girls? If you like thick career-oriented girls, this may be your heaven. You won’t really meet lots of girls during weekdays since they lead hectic lifestyles. That means that punani only comes out of hibernation during the weekends.
Pangani
Pango, as it’s popularly known, has lots of warm-hearted Ethiopian, Eritrean, Indian and Somali immigrants. While many girls like to wear bright pastel colors and other hipster garb, they don’t typically look like freaks that just stepped off an intergalactic spaceship. Bad haircuts and weaves aren’t as common as in other Nairobi hoods. Most women have natural hair. They are hands down more attractive.
Hurlingham
Chics here insist on speaking English with luxurious linguistic resources to draw upon. It’s like they invented the language. Their words are like logophile clickbaits, whatever they say, you automatically pay attention. The sad part is that they are feminists.. They believe it’s the duty of a man to please a woman in all shapes, manner or form.
According to modern feminist theory, it’s best if a girl bangs a couple dozen cool boys to know what she wants before eventually settling down, but those slutty experiences re-wire her brain in such a way that it can be hard to resist one more go with a bull. Expensive alcohol will be a great excuse to borrow a Hurlingham girl from her boyfriend. Unlike in other hoods, Hurlingham girls are not looking to replace their man. Instead they’ll go for a brief fling that no one finds out about.
If you have regular contact with her (e.g., you see her every day in the coffee shop and happen to drive), it’s easier to pull a robbery than a one-off approach on the street or in the club.
K-South
People think that K-South is a hivi hivi hood because they have actually never n=been there. That’s a misconception. Only people with solid income can afford to live in this hood. And the ladies here are the type to make you take loans in order to please them. They are that sweet. Lightskins and darksins are in equal ratio so one is basically spoilt for choice.
YOU ARE WELCOME TEAM MAFISI. I, your trusted explorer will be back again next week with another dope edition of Ghafla Explores. Call me David Livingstone if you wish…hahaa
