We were all kicked out from High School. For various reasons. Some solid. Some flimsy. But Hey,we got through it. And survived. Or didn’t we?
I,in particular, was sent home a record four times. In just an year. And,finally,after it was decided-and publicly announced-that I had become persona non grata,I was sent home. For good. Never to show again. Ever Ever….
My expulsions ranged from little mischief in class to naughty shenanigans during school festivals to,ummm,sleeping in class.
Who sends people home for sleeping in class? Isn’t that the natural-most thing to do!? Its like sending someone home for thinking!
And,in tandem with that,I shall attempt to break it to You the way You like it; Reasons WHY VARIOUS KENYAN CELEBS WERE SENT HOME IN HIGH SCHOOL.
DISCLAIMER: Cabu Gah can be a Humorist. And this IS a creative article…Not factual.
1. JAGUAR
He’s the Celebrity Philanthropist. And the Celebrity whose got the rare privilege of calling President Kenyatta,’Boy Wangu’. Now now,before Jaguar was selling millions of records(Ok,who am I kidding?)…Before Jaguar was,ummm,Jaguar he was just another school boy. Like You and Me…Jaguar was not Jaguar in school. He was Charles Njagua. Charles Njagua,we have established,for once kicked put of school for selling his own text books. And then trying to ‘vuka border’ ya shuke yao na the neighbouring girl’s school. Charles Njagua was also sent home once for attempting to pay off the school fees of one of his classmates thus ‘undermining the authority’ of the Principal. And lastly,Charles Njagua was also sent home for participating in a music talent search that left 16 students hospitalized. It was later revealed that they had suffered severe internal injuries after listening to Jaguar sing.
2. Prezzo
Prezzo was sent home soooo many times his parents had to relocate to a house near the school.
In school,Prezzo was called Jackson Makini. His nickname was Makindi. Because he loved uji. Hahaha. Now Now,Prezzo,or Makindi,was quite the baller even back in High School. His only troubles with the law started when he started showing up in school in a car bigger than the Principal’s. He’d leave the car parked outside the Administration Block and would also drive himself to Drama/Music Festivals instead of using the designated, old school bus. Prezzo also,numerously,would refuse to water the official blue and grey school uniform,and would show up in class dressed like 14 Black American drug sellers in Chicago. I won’t even touch on how high he always was. All the time. And one day,after a 6-hour closed door meeting in the staffroom,that included all the B.O.G members,Prezzo’s relatives,Government officials,Church leaders and local politicians, it was decided that Prezzo should be sent home for GOOD. And he was. And that’s how he ended up as a musician.

3. LAURA OYIER
Before she was hogging up everything on the menu at the Hotel Intercontinental, Laura Oyier had tried similar broke girl stunts in high school,too. Laura would spend all her time-even class time-singing odd songs to herself and polishing up on her accent. And one day,during a National Drama Festivals event in Mombasa ,Laura checked in a hotel to wait for her Kisumu Boys boyfriend who had promised to join her soon as he’d finished rehearsing with his fellow actors. The ninja never showed up. Just like the Nigerian con. Shock on Laura! She had already eaten up stuff worth Ksh.2,300. And she only had around 230 Bob on her. She was detained in the hotel’s toilets. And after her teachers were summoned,that’s how she earned her first expulsion from school. But not to worry,a teacher from Kisumu Girls paid all her bills. And offered her a place in her school. As a Music teacher.
4. ROBERT ALAI
Alai was NEVER expelled from school. I repeat,Alai was NEVER expelled from school. He expelled HIMSELF. Robert was constantly pissed off with his school; He didn’t like the food,neither did he like the classrooms,or the dormitories, or the teachers or the songs they used to sing at the parade or the watchman. He hated everything. And everyone. He hated the school bus too. And the school cows. And fence. And verandahs. He got so tired of his school that one day,in typical Alai fashion,he woke up,dressed up and walked away. Never to turn back. Ever again. He didn’t stop hating things though. He brought his “Everything Sucks” attitude out here,too. And its working just fine. Ask Moses Kuria.
5. CAROLINE MUTOKO
Caroline Ndinda Mutoko was a good girl. In fact,very good. But she earned her first expulsion from school the day she stopped the Principal from talking right in the middle of her speech. Mrs. Kinyororo asked “What’s the matter with You Caro?” And that’s where all hell broke loose. “Excuse Me Madam,I am NOT Caro. I am Caroline Ndinda Mutoko…..” And just like that,the war started. Both Caroline Mutoko and Mrs. Kinyororo argued for close to an hour. Everything came to a standstill. The assembly was dissolved and even though Caroline Mutoko was suspended,Mrs. Kinyororo never again called her Caro. Ever. Even in her dreams.

6. BONIFACE MWANGI
Boniface is not new to trouble. In fact,his first expulsion from high school is as a result of a strike he led FOR a neighboring school! Not even in his school! Now Now…Boniface schooled in Maragua. And,in their neighboring school,the students had been complaining of poor diet. And the complaints reached Boniface before they even reached the School’s Principal. And after the girls complained enough, Boniface,who was NOT even a student in Maragua Girls,was the guy who led the strike. And to prepare for the massive strike,Boniface and the girls spent the first part of the night boiling rotten cabbages behind the school dormitories. And after the cabbages were boiled good and proper,Boniface and the girls carried them in 78 buckets. And poured the contents outside the Principal’s Office. The strike started at 3.am in the morning… And ended at around 6.30am after the imminent arrival of the Murang’a GSU squad. Boniface was expelled from his own school. And from the Girl’s school too…where he wasn’t even a student! Suspension from two schools?? At the same time?! Epic!
7. MAINA KAGENI
Maina,just like Caroline Mutoko,was always a good boy. Not so keen in class though…But still,a good boy. But Maina,was suspended from school too. For a very silly reason. Apparently, during his free time,Maina would spend his time asking the female teachers how their marriages were. And what kind of men their husbands were. It got worse when Maina started advertising land at the corner of his exam papers. Enough was enough. Huyu kijana ako na wazimu sasa…It was agreed. And he was sent home. And told to report two weeks later with his whole clan. He didn’t. And that’s how he ended up on Radio. Haha.

8. VANESSA CHETTLE
She didn’t even finish high school. You wouldn’t too if You adopted the habit of showing up at the parade ground naked. She was NOT just expelled from her Girls’ school in Eldoret,she was also expelled from Eldoret County. For Good. You can now find her on Instagram. And in every Nairobi club. Naked.
9.MOHAMMED ALI
Moha didn’t start exposing people and things the other day. It started waaayyy back. While he was still a scrawny form two boy at some local school in Isiolo. In form two,Moha conducted his first exposé titled “GHURURI YA GITHERI” . Ghururi Ya Githeri was Moha’s expose on the tradition of mixing paraffin with Githeri for the boys. He unearthed deep secrets including; Where the paraffin came from,how the tender to supply paraffin was irregularly awarded and how the school cooks,instead of actually using sufficient paraffin on githeri,would instead just add a few droplets of the inflammable liquid and take the most of it home to their wives. And after that exposé caused a stir across the bushy school,Moha followed it up with “JARAMANDIA LA MIKATE”. And in this new exposé, which Moha recorded in a CD and distributed it across all the dormitories,Moha exposed how the school was entitled to eat bread on Monday,Wednesday and Sunday. But they had ONLY been eating bread on Monday and Sunday. Moha also elaborately revealed that all the money to buy bread on Wednesday was being irregularly used by the Principal to erect a 6-storey Business Complex in Wajir. Moha was expelled pronto! And ,after the suspension, he organized another exposé titled “DUGUDWA LA UFUKUZAJI” revealing why he was suspended from school,who suspended him,when he was suspended and the number plates of the Matatu he used to go home. Classic.
10. NJOKI CHEGE
Njoki Chege grew up in Ruai. And attended some village fenceless school in Kamulu. And her class teacher had a Blue Subaru. We all know why she was suspended now,don’t we!?!?
TOMORROW: PART TWO OF SCHOOL CELEB SUSPENSIONS….
Wait for it….And have a good laugh in the meantime….