Month: June 2015

Vera omwana wa ingo. Yesterday, my colleague Martin wrote an article titled Vera Sidika Shakes Her Gigantic Bum Harder Than 44 Video Vixens In A Tawdry Jamaican Video! The amazing tropes of that headline were particularly hard to dodge so like everyone else, I quickly opened the link.

Ooh….another candy pill for team mafisi. There you were, shaking your butt the way a zebra tries to shake off a lion that is clinging to its back in the wild terrains of the Serengeti. For a moment, I thought the butt was gonna fall off. Come to think of it…..that wouldn’t have been a problem though. I know you have spare parts anyway. Umejipanga. You probably got them from Dubai’s version of Luthuli Avenue . By the way, I heard you walk around with an extra pair of nyonyos in your handbag too. Is it true? Woiii!!

As a man, I can appreciate the virtues of your perfect posterior but how long will you keep twerking? Every time I see a lady shaking her poop organs, I weep for humanity. The past few years have brought to us a series of harrowing twerk videos, each more lurid than the last. Come on. Aren’t you people creative enough? I know you have unfathomable motives such as advertising yourselves to potential sponsors but please give us something new. Please…..please….please. Enough of the headline grabbing moves.

You are a public figure Vera. How exactly is twerking beneficial to society? How does it make a change? Will you still be twerking when you are 50 years old with wrinkles all over? How about you start a charity foundation? How about you become an environmental activist for example? Won’t that be better news for the world? Won’t that make people respect you more? I understand that not everyone is blessed with brains but you need to act smarter. You need to show that there’s something going for you other than just your body. Otherwise, what’s the difference between you and an animal?

Some might argue that you have a flair for entrepreneurship. You started a salon where you help decorate your fellow ratchets with the hair of dead Mexicans and Brazilians. You also hawk your punani for about 2 million shillings. That’s cool but not impressive

Personally, I am far too enlightened to fall into your fan base or target demographic. I kinda liked you when you were still as chocolate as Cadbury’s. Now you just look like tea that hasn’t been boiled with enough majani. Ok I’m lying. I’ve never really liked you much then either because you always seem EXTRA hoodratish.

Someone can tell that your sponsors have tried to add class to you but no amount of pictures in foreign lands could bring that. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. But you just seem like the epitome of “you can take the girl out the hood…but you can’t take the hood out of the girl” Well, I did like you a TINY bit because you’re a$$ is ginormous, and you know I have booty envy HOWEVER, after seeing you misuse it again and again, I am over it..

I’ve been battling a deep sense of frustration when it comes to current twerk culture, which gets more unpalatable every year. How on earth is it that we’ve become so desensitized that we’ve publicly come to an agreement that the best kind of entertainment women can offer is twerking? Why are great ‘twerkers’ (if there’s a word like that) adored like people who’ve pulled off an incredibly freakish feat. They are accorded a kind of fascinated respect that seems more rightly owed to someone who spent life’s formative years fighting off mutant crocodiles in a vat of radioactive acid

I feel that all men need to stop paying attention to you and your kind but I doubt they will. Blind admiration is an incurable disease

Good luck with your hustle anyway

I was almost forgetting what Daily Nation columnist Njoki Chege had done to Star’s Oliver Mathenge until when I saw this tweet from the man himself.

You see, Njoki Chege is the only woman we have around who would dis you and walk away with it. Her chills garden do not support the production of this rare yet necessary commodity. She is willing to disappoint anyone as long as her thoughts are perfectly put out. I am waiting for the day she will at least land on one of her workmates. I mean someone like Larry Madowo who gets annoyed every time his name is mentioned somewhere in our blog. I know he is already raging after reading this line. Larry please, I had to mention you here. How else would you know you are a bigwig if Ghafla! goes a day without mentioning your name?

Oh sorry, I am losing the point. Look, this story is all about Larry, oh sorry again, I mean Oliver Mathenge, Njoki Chege and Lupita Nyong’o.

 A few weeks ago (probably months), Njoki Chege landed on Oliver’s balls with a thud, bashed him for being publicly proud of his newly married wife and advised him to do one or two things to avoid the ‘shame’ he littered the social media with. (Like Njoki herself has a husband, live alone a boyfriend).

But when everybody thought Njoki had gone overboard, Oliver Mathenge was learning this game step by step. And boy, he is a master in it.

This is evident from the manner in which he has castigated the idea that one needs to part with at least 10K to have dinner with Lupita Nyong’o (Read: Lupita Nyong’o Is Returning To Kenya Again… But You Will Be Flabbergasted By The Amount Of Money You Need To Have Dinner With Her).

Through his twitter handle, Oliver has wondered why one would spend 10k just to have something with Lupita. Seems this rumour is becoming a reality.

Oliver advises that instead of this, consider using the money to connect your rural home with electricity which has now been greatly subsidized.

Here is his tweet:

 

 

The news of Lupita Nyong’o’s return to Kenya for a second time in less than a month has been received warmly by majority of Kenyans. This is a woman who has done this country proud globally thanks to her prowess as an actress who featured perfectly in the film 12 Years A Slave and went on to win an Oscar for the same.

Lupita’s fame has quickly risen, putting her ahead of many celebrities not only in Kenya but also across the world.

Her return to Kenya comes days after her first visit to attend her younger sister’s wedding which went down in closed doors in Naivasha a month ago.

This time round mentorship and wildlife conservation are top on her list.

And as her visit is imminent, rumour has it that to have dinner with the thespian one has to part with some amount of money. Well, for some, this might be nothing big but for hustlers who would want to hang out with one of Kenya’s finest actresses, 10,000 shillings is no little money people.

This is the amount one needs to part with to hang out with Lupita.

It is still a rumour but once we confirm this, be sure to be effectively informed.

 

 

Nyeri men have gained a bad reputation after their women shambuliad their transformers in wild abandon.

Besides being labeled as victims they have been called wuss among other derogatory names and have become the butt of all jokes. But a Nyeri man is causing waves in America after a video of him attempting to fly a homemade plane made it to World Star Hip hop. A site that brings in 1.1 million unique visitors a day.

The plane crashed a few minutes after take off, but we cannot ignore the fact that this man made a plane from youtube tutorials, just imagine what he could achieve with a course in engineering?

While Kenyans back home are applauding the comment section on World Star is a flurry of jokes from the peanut gallery and racist comments from the prejudiced. Check out some of the comments:

Blac Panther •He really wants to fly out of Africa

 

EL CAHPEHTAWN • This is what all you funky n1gg3rs would be tryn out for if your ancestors would have never illegally came over here on them boats or whatever the f*ck yah wanna call it..

 

Tyrone • Bruh, I fly first class not African class. F#ck that smelly African.

Felicia •That’s why Africans will never come up with anything innovative smh.

Felicia MIDKNIGHTMIKE •I expect at least go a few feet up in the air but sh#t went down faster than an Malaysia airplane smh

BigEast856 •He builds planes for Malaysian airlines

MrNiceCar •They coulda rolled a bowling ball off that ramp and it would have been in flight “for a few glorious seconds”… foh I knew this shit was going to fail as soon as they showed the speed of the propeller.. “The engines roar to life!” What…The…F#ck. Sh#t sounded like an old rusty lawnmower that hasn’t seen oil in 3 years… lol.. Engines roar to life.. smh

pee tosh •You telling me, the wright brothers can make a airplane from scratch, and this nigga has all the knowledge laid out for him on the Internet and he still cant fly????

chuckdeuces pee tosh •he got that african internet tho.. it still looks like a mac from the 80s…

   Mr. Kyser •Trying to gey away from that ebola

 

Laura Oyier likes living in her own world of absurd fantasies. Apparently she is sailing far away from reality each passing day.

She made her debut to limelight with a major scandal that made the whole country scratch heads in astonishment.

Laura Oyier is now synonymous with the ritzy Intercontinental Hotel, for all the bad reasons of course. (Failing to pay her bill.)

As if that wasn’t enough, she was at the center of another high-end hotel scandal. She failed to clear a bill once again at Villa Rosa Kempinski.

Despite all those humiliations, Laura hasn’t been shaken, not a single bit. The 27-year-old keeps on courting controversies at will.

Yesterday she posted what attracted ‘gerra rah here’ kinda of exclamation.

Laura says her pocket-sized butt is getting big yet in reality they appear to be lessening.

                                                          I think my but’s getting big!

 

About 2 years ago, they was a young music group that stole Kenyans’ hearts with the hottest jams and funky street swag.

They marked the birth of a new age in Kenyan music with their fresh sound and with a BET nomination under their belt we hoped that they would bring Kenyan music back to the good old days. But at the peak of their career, the crew broke up, with no explanation and no goodbyes. Leaving their fans groping in the dark wondering what happened.

But after two years, the band reveals to whatsgoodlive.tv why they broke up, and it will shock you why they did it .It was internal copulation like some people thought or someone’s head got bigger than a watermelon.

They broke up for a  number of reasons really, one they felt that the fame was overwhelming, they were just kids.

Corporates did not make it any easier as Taio puts it  “We had Rolexes and shit, 40 pairs of… whatever. But any corporate, once you sign the contract, they run you in a very – ‘We paid for your services, so we own you, it’s work time, let’s go’ sorta way. And so it was during that tour that it really tested everybody’s strength, mentally, physically”

Also they felt like people kissing their behinds and having all this fake people around them wanting favors got crazy and some of them also felt like they lost themselves.They needed a new scene, an indefinite  break from showbiz madness and to explore their individual talents .

 

 

Speaking to whatsgoodlive.tv Karun says “Camp Mulla was an amazing time in all of our lives, and I’m super glad it happened, for us, and for the fans. So even if it seems to have ended badly, it definitely felt like the right thing to do when we disbanded… I felt like everything that was meant to happen for Camp Mulla had happened at that point, and if we kept going it would just be futile and uninspired actions to re-do what we had done already… There was a huge urge in me to push boundaries and do something different… and that meant a change of scene.”

 

Kenyan military officers did a commendable job two weeks ago when they floored 11 of the Al Shabaab militants who had ambushed their base in Lamu. While 2 of the Kenyan soldiers were killed and a few others injured, their efforts to thwart the attack were highly praised, with President Uhuru making sure he visited the injured soldiers to commend them.

And as we ponder over what to do to avert any further attacks from these Somalia men whose intention is to shed blood and wipe out Christians in Kenya and beyond, a chilling video has emerged showing how the militants attacked the military base.

According to ITV news which has published the video, the whole incident was being filmed by the British militant gunned down by the Kenyan security forces.

Thomas Evans was the man with the camera when the militants approached the military base, and the film shows the militants opening fire indiscriminately as they draw closer and closer.

The video ends when Kenyan soldiers shoot Thomas and the camera drops to the ground.

Al Shabaab are fond of filming incidents every time they attack Kenyans only to produce the videos later as they brag about their heinous acts.

Here is the chilling video courtesy of ITV News. But all credit goes to the soldiers who sacrificed to thwart the attack.

See the video: How Al Shabaab’s Botched Attack On Military Base Happened

 

If you thought we are done with the Malia Obama saga then you are in for a shocker. When we thought it was ending, it was actually starting.

The number of pedophiles yearning to bed the 17-year old first American daughter is growing each day, begging the question: what has come of our men?

It all started with lawyer Felix Kiprono, a man who has gone to class, interacted with beautiful and learned women but has never managed to convince one. Felix offered 50 cows, 50 goats and 70 sheep to have Malia as his wife. He made global news.

Then came this Moran man known as Jeff. He was determined to give Kiprono a run for Malia’s heart and went on to offer a record 500 cows to have the 17-year old as his wife.

As if this is not enough, the hunger for Malia’s beauty has gone to the Caribbean. A Jamaican rasta has come out with one of the most outrageous offers of all time.

According to a Jamaican entertainment blog, a middle aged man has offered 10 acres of bhang (marijuana) to help his 17-year old son have Malia as wife.

The man says he is willing to give the US president the piece of land. He claims he tried to reach out to Obama when he visited Jamaica a few months ago but his security detailed restricted him.

If this is not outrageous, then I don’t know what is.

 

The President’s motorcade has ran over pedestrians during his trip to Kakamega County leaving an old man dead.

Yesterday, the head of state travelled to Kakamega County to grant troublesome Mumias Sugar factory another lifeline.

While local resident were happy with the goodies Uhuru brought them, the President’s trip caused agony to one family in Kakamega County.

An old man and his grandson were ran over by the President’s motorcade at Lutunyi area. The mzee died on the spot while his grandson is said to have sustained serious injuries.

Witness say the incident happened within a fraction of a second and they can’t really tell what caused the two to be knocked by the speeding motorcade.

Citizen TV caught up with the grieving family of the deceased at their home.

See the video below:

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Throwback Thursday is finally here! It’s a chilly morning here in Nairobi City, no incidents of fire outbreak have been reported this morning! Just saying because of late fire has been a thing of the city. Brushing that off, below are trendy articles that we have sorted for you this beautiful morning:

#1Muhoho Kenyatta And 9 Other Kenyan Celebrities Whose Parents Have Powerful Political Connections. Numer 10 Is An Absolute Shocker!

#2Meet Joan Kagwiria,the 22 Year Old Crazy College Dropout Who Wants Me To Make Her Famous By First Stripping ‘Ndethe’ For Me On WhatsApp. (ADULT PHOTOS)

#3Of All The Comments Raised Over Kibera Destruction, What Unbwogable Hit Maker Posted Made Critics Want To Kill Themselves

#4Meet The 10 Kenyan Celebrities Who Come From Wealthy Families! Number 10 Is The Richest Of Them All!

#5Behold: Here Are 20 Kenyan Celebrities Who Were Classmates!

#6Check Out What These Sultry Kenya Airways Hostesses Did To Warm Up The Heart Of Visiting Nigerian Rapper (Photos)

#7Meet The Top Ten Kenyan Celebrities With Accents! Kwanza Number 6 Grew Up In Kariobangi South!

#8First Photo Of Nameless Working At His Other Profession, Construction (Photo)

#9Vera Sidika Shakes Her Gigantic Bum Harder Than 44 Video Vixens In A Tawdry Jamaican Video!

#10Photos Of Nonini’s Beautiful Wife And Cute Son

 

News just in is that one of Milele F.M’s presenters has left the Media Max forte.

Kevin Migongo popularly referred to as Kijana Patpat of Karibbean connection has handed in his resignation and will be leaving Milele F.M in the next two weeks. He will be leaving the show to start his own sound company that will go by the name of his show ‘Karibbean Connection’

Karibbean Connection which runs from 10 a.m to 2. p.m is one of the most listened shows in Kenya

Citizen led the way with their figure-hugging cute little dresses and soon Kenyan female news anchors were shedding the unsightly mannish blazers and stiff hideous skirts for more appealing outfits.

This move however did not come with its share of controversy with numerous people complaining that the outfits were too revealing or seductive and soon a number of celebrities such as Lillian Muli and more recently Sophia Wanuna were slammed for their inappropriate clothing.

With time the news anchors have managed to hit a balance and are getting praised for it. Just like K24’s Karen Knaust who dazzled viewers with this canary yellow dress

Njoya Martin: daaamn!lookin fine,lookin FINE!

Ruth Knaust: I thought I saw a tweety bird

 

Weeks after attending her sister’s wedding, global thespian Lupita Nyong’o will be in the country again in a week’s time, reports Standard Digital.

The sultry actress will return to the country “to conduct a homecoming tour that includes activities that aim to uplift the Kenyan arts community as well as raise awareness on conservancy efforts in the country.”

 

Lupita is also expected to mentor Kenyan students and give a talk about her acting career among several other things.

The actress is also expected to create awareness about the importance of protecting wildlife considering there is an increased number in poaching cases which have threatened the extinction of wildlife especially elephants and rhinos whose horns and tusks are believed to be highly valuable.

Lupita Nyong’o’s return is something anyone cannot ignore considering her fame and achievement in the world of acting.

She is daughter to Kisumu Senator Prof. Anyang Nyong’o.

 

Changing Times is known as the Kenyan TV show that has had the most attractive cast; you would be forgiven to think it was a modeling agency.

It is also known for launching Ian Mugoya’s, Joy Kendi, Lucy Waigera and Brenda Wairimu’s career.
News reaching us is that an actress in the show Jenifer Gatero who also doubled up as a producer of the show has been bereaved.

The bubbly and beautiful lady lost her mother .She announced her mother’s demise with this poignant message:
My best friend, my biggest support system. I always called myself a certified mummys girl. I am having trouble processing that you’re gone…

We rarely do political stories but when they go beyond politics to extra-ordinary levels, they make their way into our blog. Blogs and the mainstream media have been awash with clips and news of a man who worships former premier Raila Odinga.

The man called him Raila the Father, Raila the Son and Raila the Holy Spirit. This comes after the destruction of property put up by NYS in Kibera in protest of a scandal engulfing devolution CS Anne Waiguru.

Anti and pro-Waiguru demos have littered Nairobi and its environs since the turn of the week and this has escalated to include the name of the opposition leader in the quagmire that has rocked this country.

And while both Raila and Waiguru are finding themselves between the rock and a hard place, Kenyans have been airing dissenting views over the same.

Yesterday a parody account under the handle @williamrutoh and which bears the name of DP Ruto tweeted saying: Let them go back to their flying toilets, you can’t help a fly that wants to follow a corpse to the grave. #Kibera”, in protest of the destruction in Kibera.

Photo courtesy: Citizen TV

This has greatly angered a MCA in Siaya, forcing him to strip in protest of the insult and demands an apology from DP Ruto for insulting Raila. Madness, right?

Fredrick Ouda, Central Gem MCA says that it is very disrespectful for one to abuse Raila.

Source: Citizen TV

 

The national women’s volleyball team, Malkia Stars, made headlines over the weekend when they floored Algeria at the Safaricom Indoor Arena in Kasarani to scoop their 9^th continental title and qualify for the FIVB world cup.

These gorgeous ladies got everyone, including those who have never even known this sport existed, associating with them in one way or the other, with many Kenyans declaring how proud they were thanks to the ladies’ heroics.

Perhaps this explains why NTV’s Larry Madowo has claimed that some individuals went to Kasarani over the weekend not to cheer the ladies to glory but to have a look at the thighs that emanated from the micro shorts they wore.

“Thousands of Kenyans descended on Kasarani on Saturday to watch the Malkia Strikers take on Algeria. Admittedly, some were there for the view of pretty ladies in micro shorts.”

Janet Wanja and Jane Wacu are the most spoken about ladies in this squad and perhaps they are the inspiration behind the flocking of the arena.

Larry said this in his column in the Daily Nation.

Kenyans are known for funny things you know. And this claim by Larry might not be far from the truth. 

NTV’s Larry Madowo is successful in as far as his career in news anchoring and penning dope articles on newspapers are concerned. But there is one area he is yet to milk.

Did you know Larry Madowo is also an actor? This is one of the little known facts about the celebrated NTV anchor that most people don’t know about or rather haven’t paid attention to.

Larry made his debut in acting when he was featured in a Kenyan movie dubbed ‘Unprotected’ which is yet to hit screens.

See also: Larry Madowo Stars In A Movie! Can He Beat Lupita?

The daring anchor recently gave his fans a hint about where he draws inspiration from for his sprouting career in acting.

He revealed Paul Ogola, the Kenyan actor featured in latest Hollywood TV series, Sense8, was his friend.

The NTV anchor was giving him a pat on the back for sufficiently representing Kenya on the international scene.

My friend Paul Ogola is INCREDIBLE as Jela in the Netflix series Sense8. Congratulations for representing Kenya so well on the international scene. You might remember him from Nairobi Half LIfe

 

With 518,000 followers Cyprian Nyakundi is arguably one of the most popular bloggers on Twitter.

He describes himself as “an Activist and award Winning Blogger, a registered noisemaker who pens unique Kenyan banter and has an interest in all things very controversial!”

Well it seems his controversies have caught up with him as telecommunications giant Safaricom has sued him for defamation. This is following a defamatory article on his blog, a 15-part series named ‘How Safaricom steals from Kenyans with third parties’

We learned of the said lawsuit after a notice was posted in the local dailies through its lawyer Ogetto, Otachi and Company Advocates.

 

In  ‘Part 1 of 15:How Safaricom Steals From Kenyans’ Nyakundi is accused of portraying Safaricom as a fraudster that obtains money and profits in form of airtime from its subscribers through nonexistent subscriptions.

In Part 2: Nyakundi is accused of accusing the telecom giant of  infringing on its clients privacy.

Check out the rest of the lawsuit:

Source:Silas Savali/Facebook

“Remember to keep your standards, morals and stilettos high…” Reads a plaque on a matatu I boarded yesterday. The idea that heels transform drab to fab is simply preposterous. There is quote I have recently found a liking for, “even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can never make chicken salad  out  of chicken  poop”- High heels are not a fix for elegant. 

 Since time begun, we have had complains about wannabe Nairobi parading their amature-ness in heels and embarrassing themselves on the city streets. 

Like this lady on this viral video whop has been the subject of all heel-jokes today. Check video below. Laugh at her awkwardness not her misery. (we are good people remember) 

 

 

Nitarudia kwa mara ya mwisho…Kama huwezani na heels vaa tu rubbers za ngoma ama bata bullets

 

Homosexuality has been a burning topic in Kenya and Africa at large. Many have been lost between accepting it and condemning. While some have been advocating for the rights of homosexuals, majority of Kenyans are yet to embrace this practice that they believe is exotic and awkward.

While efforts to have homosexuality legalized in the country are made by a section of Kenyans, Nairobi Senator Mike Sonko has come out to strongly condemn homosexuals.

Speaking to a congregation, the Senator condemned the practice in the strongest terms possible, stating that no one within our confines is ready to embrace homosexuality.

He went on to warn his fellow politicians who are advocating for the same that they will face the wrath of Kenyans and that of God who condemns the practice.

He says that religious books do not allow homosexuality and so no one should embrace it.

Here is the video: